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TOPIC: How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation.

How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation. 4 weeks 13 hours ago #108247

  • Twwidd
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This post is horribly long and I apologise.Please trudge through and help if you can. I want to re-open my child matters case and request the court order my wife to provide a forensic psychology report among other things from her medical history such as referrals to anger management in order to show she is the abuser (she has made her own unfounded allegations and without proof I fear she is very convincing whilst I am not). I wish to do this as she is now using my children instead of objects to continue to hurt me emotionally rather than physically (physical incidents became rarer after the children were born) and I fear they are being harmed by the effort (they were never witness to physical abuse apart from my eldest who only saw me take a couple of kicks when he was a baby and I pretended it did not hurt for his benefit (he did not seem to notice)). The court did grant leave to either party to return within 12 months if arrangements did not work....but will they re-visit the facts? My wife was able to recruit CAFCASS to her side pre-hearing with her allegations. Mine were omitted from the report.

In February I accepted some rough and some smooth from a magistrates family court. I agreed to leave a good job, my home, family and friends in order to travel to Wales in return for greater contact than was being offered (3 out of 7 nights instead of alternate weekends).

My wife misled the court in the form of CAFCASS and my barrister (+ presumably her representative) in a number of ways (beyond false allegations backed by a letter from a domestic abuse charity drop-in centre stating she was a victim of abuse obtained in my absence on the basis of her testimony alone and unexamined).

I had proposed the move wait 6-9 months to allow me to find a job/ house and maintain contact. She claimed she needed to move right away because her father had retired and needed to sell the house she was living in (having purchased the house she lives in now 250 miles West of here already). He has not retired and the local home is not for sale as yet because he uses it during the week. She said there was pressure on the school placements she had secured for the kids in Wales (the school is in fact under-subscribed). She said she needed to move in order to be with her mother so she could get a job (she has not applied for one yet (perhaps to improve her settlement in the ongoing divorce?)).

The court ordered alternate weekend contact in Wales and regular telephone contact. Also half of school holidays. My wife has made it very difficult to maintain any kind of contact and has used the difficulties of Covid to her advantage. She has insisted calls take place at 5pm (when I usually am on a motorway) and has resolutely refused efforts to make them easier for the kids (e.g. stories at bedtime). She has informed them I have cancelled contacts which are not agreed (having said she would stop doing this she continues). I also believe she has not only monitored, but also sent emails from my 9 year old son's account fishing for information/ ammunition. Today, when I called on the video link, my son was almost like a hostage. It was clear my wife was holding the device and he kept looking up at her for re-assurance/ answers. He was particularly worried when I thanked him for his email and asked if he had seen the stop motion videos I had sent (which last week he had requested).

I may have fallen into a trap which enabled her to alienate them further last week on Thursday. This is going to sound waffley (sorry) but has the threat of police involvement in it so please read on. Three times since lockdown I have collected the children for long weekends (Thurs-Fri) and last time they said they wanted to stay (great) because they didn't want to get back in the car for a 7 hour journey (sigh). I told my wife about this as I dropped them off and suggested I would seek an alternative such as staying in a hotel and taking them out. I emailed her later the following week to say I was looking into this. She responded there were strict local travel restrictions in play (i.e. you can take them to kent, or stay in closed down local Wales within 6 miles). I responded that I had discovered the rules were to relax in the week and asked to see them on Thursday as I was viewing houses + interviewing. She did not reply to this except to say she would tell the children I had cancelled contact. I asked again about Thursday(still nothing) then a day or so later I asked about something else (had she received an email) she responded a couple of times so I mentioned the missing email was about Thursday. No response.

Thursday came and I missed the 5 O'clock video call time due to being in the interview and received a message asking what had happened. I texted her to explain and say I was 20 minutes away and asked if the children were able to come out and have a very brief catch up/ hug. No reply.

Choosing between driving all the way back to kent and missing the chance they might be available and simply popping round, I popped round. I parked on the driveway (still quite far from the main house) and sent another text to say I had arrived and ask if the kids were free. She responded they were in the bath. I offered to wait. She asked me to leave the property. I left and messaged her I had done so. She replied she had called 101 who had said if I don't leave they will come to speak to me. Obviously, I did not get to see them.

I wonder what she said to them/ near them before calling the police. Remember she has made allegations of 'gaslighting' and 'coersive control' whilst having had full control of our finances and all decisions relating to property and parenting achieved through years of physical, psychological and emotional abuse. Was popping round a terrible mistake? It now feels like a trap. I have suffered 12 years a slave and am now being portrayed as the monstrous slave master in order to be further hurt at a distance.

My daughter is always on her tablet wearing headphones when I call and so never wants to speak and hasn't done for many weeks (previously we played games like guess who or I would pretend to be one of the toys she left here).

I have all relevant emails pertaining to contact which I think show her as being obstructive and unreasonable. I can show she misled the court about the need to move so abruptly. I would like a chance to ask the court to issue an order to release the relevant medical data (she discharged herself from services in 2010 against advice and I also stopped using the police after this time as their interventions seemed to me (not in my right mind) to be making her worse not better). Previously my barrister asked for this, her representative suggested the court would not understand it and offered a summary by the GP. What was was then requested by her solicitor was current diagnosis and medication. I need the reports which summarise interviews in which she describes some (by no means all) of the physical and emotional abuse in order to show her character in its true light.

I hope that this evidence (if the court is likely to release it) along with emails proving she has been unreasonably inflexible and generally obstructive, coupled with the children's recent attitudes to contact and even the events of Thursday might enable me to prove she is causing them emotional harm in order to hurt me. In an ideal world I would like to become primary carer so that she is less able to control the situation and harm the kids and I. She suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and her actions are fully in line with and to an extent explained by this chronic disorder.

Can I achieve any of this and if so how? Sorry this message is long. You may wonder why I stayed with her or even married her. I have been manipulated very heavily and skilfully. I tried to escape a few times but always with dramatic and unhappy results. I could have tried harder but persuaded myself she was unwell and was either recovering or would recover until it was too late.

Now I have left her (asked for a no fault weedy divorce in Aug 2018) she is divorcing me on the grounds of behaviour, has taken my kids and is trying very hard to destroy me financially. These were the fears I held but thought a court in possession of the facts would prevent this outcome. Was I wrong?

What can I do?

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How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation. 4 weeks 13 hours ago #108248

mate this is a carbon copy of my situation which has been going on for 7 years and I'm experiencing all the same issues, my ex has bpd, anxiety, depression, bi polar ect you can't win with people like that you have to go back to court as I am doing for the 3rd time.

what was written in the last order?

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation. 4 weeks 13 hours ago #108249

Sorry you will be wasting your time and a lot of money returning to family court. sorry its not what you want to hear but least its been honest and someone not wanting to see you spend over 10 thousand and not getting anything in return.

Only way is to enjoy your time with children and do everything the legal way. if she dont allow contact by all means breach her , but dont re-visit the past and decisions that family court have already made. i imagine you are very angry but it is mentally draining fighting the system. maybe theres ways you could eek out some more contact so you see children more. if you were closer u could get an extra night every other weekend if you can do school runs etc

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How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation. 4 weeks 12 hours ago #108250

I don't think you will be wasting your time with court at all, it doesnt have to cost a fortune £215 if you self rep, use a mkenzie friend, use advice from here and only use a solicitor in the important bits.

Not going to court will let your ex mess you around for ever more, I'm going back to court for the 3rd time and hopefully the last I wouldnt of had the past 5 years with my girl every weekend if I din't go to court and get the orders I have.

yes its stress full and a ball ache its tough and mentally challenging but you WILL get to see your child and it forces the other parent to play ball.

with no court order in place the ex can stop you seeing your child at anytime, make your life a misery and that of your childs.

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation. 4 weeks 12 hours ago #108251

you need to read everything albeit long what was posted by twwidd. I can see by your reply that you are unaware he has already been to court . Also family court have already made a judgement that he is unhappy with. So my advice stands that he is wasting his time returning to family court to tackle what he is unhappy with what happened last time.

MR SLIM however your case is different . i havent had a proper read as yet but get the indication its an ex partner who looks for ways to stop contact , looking for loopholes and just anything to be awkward and not co-parent and breach orders.

i had 6 years of dramas and i can assure you a lot worse than you have experienced but very similar still in what has happened contactwise and i have returned to family court on a regular basis throughout. there have been 2/3 times when long periods of no contact has happened and had to go throught the family court process self representing through most of it generally

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How to reopen child matters case - parental alienation. 4 weeks 12 hours ago #108252

Warwickshire/ slim, I think potentially a combo of your suggestions is required here...

Twwidd - there is no point digging up old ground just to try and get a judge to find against her. You have already been to court re this and feel she misled the court by lying etc.. You could spend time and heartache and achieve nothing (even if you got all the reports there is no guarantee a judge will see things differently or even if they do change the order re access as the children are settled and no judge will want to disrupt that) . Therefore you should enjoy the time that you have with the kids. After all on the Thursday your ex did chase you to see why you didn't do the 5 o clock call and in this instance I would say you should have nothing that could overlap and cause you to be late (interview) .. We know exs will use any excuse to deny contact including being a little late.

So you need to move to the area, find somewhere to live, get a job and spend some time with your children... You may find that this also helps your kids to engage with you on calls but also look at what you do with your kids on the calls that are in line with their interests etc... Plus being nearby means you get to actually see them.. As children grow up their priorities change to seeing their friends etc and as you haven't been nearby the routine of seeing you has been lost..

However where you ex doesn't play ball and stick to the order then absolutely take her back to court to enforce it..

Only you can make the decision about what you want to do, everyone on here has different experiences and advice to give.. However do not try to take action to try and get some sort of victory over your ex, it changes nothing and you will not feel better.. This is one battle within the war that you may feel you have lost but there are many more battles to come which you need to focus on (kids growing up, needing your fatherly support etc)..

In time if you stick to the order, create a routine, build a relationship and bond with the kids then hopefully they will challenge their mother to see you more... This is where your efforts should be focused...

In relation to your own experience of Domestic violence, I am sorry to hear that.. If you want to deal with that legally then it's not the family court but the police you need to go back to.. However keep in mind that if you do this your ex may cut off contact and until police complete investigation you may not be able to get access.. Do you want to lose this time with the kids? Only you can decide on taking the risks etc..

Finally I always say to myself to look at the worst case scenario and can you handle it... If things take their toll could you walk away from your kids?

We all speak from experience on here.. I actually have a DV conviction and nearly went to Prison and was prepared to walk away from my kids and my ex so as to avoid any further allegations or breaches.. But I'm lucky, I get video calls and see my kids once in a blue moon.. My aim is to build up contact etc etc..

Good luck with things...
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