At age 11 it is difficult to stop the kids replying etc without impacting on your relationship. How long are the calls for and how many messages are we talking about and for what duration is there a message exchange? Is she or the kids just checking in? Are the kids positively sharing what they are doing with you with your ex?
One suggestion I have seen on the forum is to have a rule around mobile phones eg at dinner, evening movie etc but then that should also include you so no mobile phones between 7pm and 9pm and none in bedrooms. However once the kids to get to 11+ it is difficult to enforce this as they will also want to be keeping in contact with school friends and cousins etc and if you try to prevent that then the kids may not even want to spend any time with you.
TBH in time as your kids grow up do you not want to be in a position where you can ring and text your kids with freedom? Including on days when they are with your ex? If you say something to the ex now you may burn that opportunity forever as you will not be able to say in a few years that the kids are older now so can decide when to call/text you and vice versa etc as they will remember that when they were 11 you prevented them from calling/messaging/replying to your ex.
Just my thoughts.. I know it can be frustrating but as kids grow up and modern tech etc what we want and believe we should have by way of boundaries become blurred.
We are talking about 30 mins every day and they go to their rooms to talk so I’ve no idea. Texting is through out the day. Phone calls and text are instigated by her.
I have rules about phones which the kids seem to stick to
When I ring them they never seem to answer and a text reply is rare
I take what you’re saying about when they get older.
I feel that the mother is always wanting to be at the forefront of the kids minds. Some of the text I read from her to them are a bit babyish themed “I miss you so much and can’t wait to see you”, this after 1 day of them being with me, kind of a subliminal guilt trip!
Totally get what you are saying and it does seem unfair on you.
However, the fact that the kids keep coming back to you is a huge positive and who knows the 30 min calls could be checking in, the kids could be saying positive things which is a bonus etc.
Also when you think about how much we are all glued to our phones (11 year olds more so as they may be new to even having a phone) 30 mins per day is not excessive.
As your kids get older and into early teens then being in their rooms, tech, mobiles, online gaming, seeing their friends will all be more important to them than spending actual meaningful time with you... i know a father who has 2 13 yo boys, he sees them (I use the word lightly) every other weekend Fri to Mon. He picks up from school Friday, back to his, they eat, have a chat and then kids go to their rooms to play fortnite.. day out Sat and then back to fortnite... sometimes they have their friends round or go to the park without father to play football.. initially the father got upset by this as the kids didn't actually spend meaningful time with him..until he realised that he had achieved what he wanted during all the time he never saw them when he split up from ex which was to create a home away from home for the kids with him..the kids saw his place as an extension of their home with mum... not another place that they have to go to or are forced to go to... he realised that he had created a home for the kids where they felt safe, comfortable, grow, develop, seek support and advice etc etc..
The time to worry about is when the kids don't want to come to yours, feel forced to do so by a court order and spend those 30 mins saying how much they hate being there and dont enjoy spending time with you... when this becomes the case then if the child is 10+ there is very little one can do...
Hope this helps...i would just say be careful not to rock the boat..especially legally...