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TOPIC: Struggling again

Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109696

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Hi Guy's

Quick recap, after 5 years seeing my child every weekend, contact was stopped in march completely, ofter 8 weeks received a call from top saying child was screaming constantly, picked child up who explained top wouldnt get out of bed and play with her.

2 days later childs sister drew all over top's face in permenant pen, pulled her hair, slapped and punched her to wake her, she phoned the Police who went round and found the Top out of it with the house an absolute state with drink and drugs evidence everywhere. it took them 20 mins to wake top.

police submitted a report to SS who contacted me 2 days later, i looked after child for 3 days so top could tidy house, child told me her and sis cook own food as top never gets out of bed, child told me both kids were forced to take sleeping tablets.

I told ss and the police i was going to collect child as normal and keep her which they agreed with, went round to collect child top spat in my face tried to close the door and rightly or wrongly went in and took child without hitting no one, got attacked from neigbours, they vandilised car, threw car seat and keys down road, got child back to mine, police came round 2 hours later and took her home, that was 4 months ago.

had cafcass interview last week and received safe guarding letter today which stated top has threw the kitchen sink at me, allegations of assault, DV, controlling ect all the usual.

cafcass recommended no interim contact, pointed towards fact finding and said previous contact was no longer suitable.
yy
I literally collapsed to the floor and have been crying all day constantly, I just cant belive I'm going through all this again, I understand why so many dads kill themselves, walk away or get locked up of end up battering top.

I'm not going to do anything stupid and have been on the phone to samaritans all day just for someone to talk to, a few friends have been great but I have been cut off by all my family as they say I should just walk away.

Things have never been so dark I dont know how I'm going to get through the next 4-6 months without seeing my child, Ive got an enforcemnt hearing in a few weeks.

I just looking for support really and some kind words, please go easy on me and can anyone advise on a way forward for me and how I should tackle the next hearing.

many thanks

Slim

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109697

hi slim,

sorry to hear your going through a rough time. i had contact cut for over 3 months at the start of lockdown and just calls. if this is taking a huge toll on you, I would suggest shelling out a bit of cash and hire a barrister for your next hearing, to help out with fact finding, and to fight for interim contact at least. I had hearings earlier this year. I had barrister on standby as I expected it to go to final hearing. it didn't happen.

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Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109698

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Thanks mate, I got made redundant a week after the incident and I'm signing on benefits for the first time in my life, I'm on a government scheme setting up my business so money is really tight at the moment, a barrister is really out the question unfortunately.

Obviously this is the 3rd time to court for exactly the same reasons it just feels like theres no hope this time its awful man

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109703

Hi Slim,

This is awful to hear and I am sorry your kids are going through such a horrific time. I know how you feel when you talk about giving up and walking away, it has crossed my mind plenty of times, but you are here to fight for your kids, and that is the best thing you can do. You know they will appreciate it in the long run. A quote my dad always reminds me of is "Short term pain for long term gain" and i stick to that. it is hard right now, but it will get better and by the sounds of your situation, it dont think it will be long until you have more contact than she does.

Keep fighting, it will be worth it in the end

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Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109707

MR SLIM wrote: Thanks mate, I got made redundant a week after the incident and I'm signing on benefits for the first time in my life, I'm on a government scheme setting up my business so money is really tight at the moment, a barrister is really out the question unfortunately.

Obviously this is the 3rd time to court for exactly the same reasons it just feels like theres no hope this time its awful man


I been court twice in just under 2 years lol. if nothing stupid happens, I predict I will be back there in few years time when kids will want to spend more time or move in with me.

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Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109719

Oh Slim, you have helped so many people on this site, it is dreadful for you to be going through all of this trauma.

I don't know what to say to you other than please remember, "there isn't anything in life that stays the same" and I am certain over a period of time your situation will change for the better. Your child is older now and has a voice. Can she be referred by the Court or Social Services to a Child Psychologist for them to do an assessment of what life is like when living with her Mother and what it is like living with you ?

Looking at the positive, you have a record of the police visit to the Mother and their referral to S.S. of what they discovered on their visit which will be of help to you.

I believe your family should not tell you to "walk away" as they do not walk in your shoes and feel the emotions you do.

Keep talking, it's good therapy but choose wisely a few trusted, level headed friends whom you can confide in. Keep 'phoning the Samaritans as and when you feel the need.

You know you need to eat regularly, exercise a little (I expect you feel totally exhausted) and sleep which is so important.

At present you are in limbo, heartbroken and feeling an enormous loss at the moment but this situation is temporary. Concentrate on yourself for the next few weeks, it is difficult to do I know but if you can manage to do that, the black cloud hovering over you at present will gradually go and the sun will begin to appear.
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Struggling again 1 month 5 days ago #109722

great points from MOAF. I don't know how old your child but if e.g age 10 and over, court/cafcass should take childs wishes/feelings into account.

even going a week without seeing the kids is tough. i try to keep myself occupied with studies,exercise. talking to family/friends. netflix bingeing :) doing lot of DIY work at home. well overdue. hang in there and don't be disheartened by whatever cafcass wrote.
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Last Edit: by Bill337.

Struggling again 1 month 4 days ago #109728

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MOF I've been balling my eyes out reading that, so lovely and you're right in everything you say, it's sooo much easier helping others out than yourself, I went to see a mate who I helped and he said look at them two kids sat there, they wouldnt be there if it wasnt for you which is nice.

Since I was suicidal 5 amazing friends have rallied around bigtime, they've been repairing me over the past 4 months, I've just started trading today in my new business which I've been building since I got made redundant, I've been doing loads of charity work and managing a big community project so thats been keeping my mind off things.

I've also been eating well and just started up Karate again which has been brilliant to release the anger.

Speaking with the Samaritans has sort of ran it's course so I've found more of a dedicated male counciling service who have been unbelievable.

I've found a decent MF today also so I'm feeling a little better about things after getting completely screwed over and ripped off by a right scumball.

Nice one bill I used to miss my child mon - fri when I didnt have her, although I havent seen my child I have made the break from TOP it's been horrific living under her black cloud for the past 7 years, no more.

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

Struggling again 1 month 4 days ago #109732

Hello Slim, I can't offer any practical advice about your personal situation, but I would like to just encourage you and remind you that you will always be a dad. It is so obvious from reading your post that you love your child so very much. You've had such life changing events including redundancy so you are bound to have lots of emotions and feelings at this time. Hold onto to all the help that is offered. Have you seen your GP re some counselling ? Do you feel able to talk with someone who specialises in the trauma that you are going through? Here's some little things that you may or may not find helpful, but I wanted to try and do something positive.
1. Remember the memories of good times you have spent with your child - keep photos nearby, try to smile if you can at these memories.
2. Keep a journal - if you like writing, write your feelings down. It may help to get some of the upsetting thoughts out of your head and onto paper.
3. Don't give up. There are people who will listen and will help you - both here and like you said The Samaritans.
4. Be kind to yourself - do something each day for you. It doesn't have to be expensive or cost anything. I like to go for a walk just as the sun is setting - I find it calming.

Just a few ideas - please keep in touch with people here.
Kind Regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer

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Struggling again 1 month 4 days ago #109734

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Thanks Clarinet,

Much appreciated for your kind words, I think I had to hit rock bottom again to base reset and it made me realise I do need help, I did just that yesterday and contacted my GP who have put me in touch with a dedicated support service, It come about I did struggle throughout the Lockdown as I had a super intensive job on the front line.

I had a complete breakdown yesterday, worse one yet, I'm humbled how a few close friends rallied round it really helped as one of them took me straight into a DoJo and I kicked and punched my way through it which in turn made me get my first decent nights sleep this year.

I've instructed a decent MF this morning recommended by a lovely person on here and they have given the whole situation a bit of clarity, I do have plenty to keep me busy my new business is picking up nicely, im involved in a massive charity project and I'm back to the Karate tonight.

Thanks again

Slim

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

Struggling again 1 month 4 days ago #109735

i would recommend road trips. visits to coastal areas. very relaxing and peaceful. will help clear your head.

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Struggling again 1 month 4 days ago #109736

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Hi Slim

Sorry to hear all this is happening, One thing I will remind you, when you first came onto this forum, you were pretty much at rock bottom at the time, and you progressed in leaps and bounds - you were one of the success stories on here. So from that experience, you KNOW you can come back from rock bottom, you know it's not easy, and you know it's worth it for the sake of your children. Be a success story all over again.
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