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TOPIC: Will I Get Over the Abuse?

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 5 days ago #65974

Hi,
Basically, in a nutshell, I was emotionally, psychologically and physically abused by my ex. She used to bully me about everything from not being confident enough to the how short I am and the size of my manhood, to my long term health condition. She also got pregnant on purpose and told me it was an accident. A big part of the abuse was brainwashing so I didn't realise what was going on. My counsellor has confidently informed me that she's a narcissist and a psychopath. It took me two and half years to 'wake up' from this brainwashing and I got myself the hell out. My ex then stopped me seeing my daughter, which lasted for six months before my solicitor had got a contact centre in place and then I took her to court, and now I see her once a week out of the community, progressing to two days with an overnight in September. I am very unsatisfied with this given the abuse I was put under. Anyway, as you can imagine, my ex has easily moved on from our relationship, which ended one and half years ago, and found another guy very quickly, 6ft 5 or so, and no doubt with the huge penis she always wanted. To be honest he seems like a nice, friendly guy, and very polite, so I can see her doing the same thing to him. But I'm stuck in a state of anxiety, depression and stress, which has had a severe impact on my physical health. Not a day goes by where my ex isn't in my head, both good and bad memories, and with flashbacks of the abuse. I am registed with the local domestic abuse service who have given me 15 hours of counselling, of which I am halfway through. I am better than I was - I don't spontaneously break down in to tears anymore - but as you can probably tell, I am still in a very dark place which my ex is controlling.
I guess I am just posting this in a desperate attempt for support, and to find out if anyone has been through a similar thing, and to find out if it ever gets better? Will I get through this? Will there be a day when I can pick my daughter up from ex's house and not feel totally nauseous when my ex comes to the door? Will these flashbacks ever disappear? They are so haunting and crippling. And will I ever love someone again? Because right now I don't see that as possible.
Cheers,
Rich

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Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 5 days ago #65976

Im in a very similar situation to you although you sound further ahead contact wise, maybe because of your childs age? my situation is largely in my blog if you're interested.

Im told we will, and I tell people I treat they will, WE have to believe that, but this has been damaging to your ego (I mean that in the psychological sense not the daily mirror sense) and this will take time to recover, be kind to yourself. I too have flashbacks at times, I wouldnt say flashback as Im finicky for words but memories cwertainly of her throwing stuff at me after hitting me and telling it was no wonder my mum used to hit me too...Its awful mate. Of course she has another guy, thats how they batter you, mine was beautiful and constantly reminded me who was still asking her out, to "keep me on my toes" - can you imagine what a girl would say to another girl about a boy saying this? Getting another partner is no declaration of her 'rightness' you're still a bloke somewhere in there (Ive heard this myself and dont mean to sound harsh) and you know how we'll override common sense for a decent looking lass, its much easier for a woman to 'pull' than a man as we are pre programmed to fuck! Its all about subjugation, set your boundaries, Im finding this really hard and especially as everyone in the system seems to promote talking and communicating with her and agreeing stuff etc which largely means do as she says because shes primary carer etc. Its horrid.

This is a summary

Hello again,

I've just been talking to a good friend of mine who has told me she thinks I am domestically abused. I'm not so sure?
I am male, 6ft 1, 16 stone and previous high level athleticism.

My partner and I have a beautiful 5 month old and I couldn't bare to leave child anyway.

So basically what we have just been talking about is this, sorry but they're essentially summaries off the top of my head, some pre and some post baby;

this relationship started out amazing, this beautiful funny woman was interested in me, we spent three months in bliss, I thought Id found 'the one'. She wouldnt let me tell my or her friends anything about the relationship and wanted to tell me who I couldnt be friends with on facebook, such as someone I had previously slept with, this didnt work for her however, her past boyfriends and most recent were all on, I needed to get a grip as everyone had a past.

My partner is from an affluent background and I'm from a council estate. We met and got a house together, we were arguing one day and she stated that she could buy me out of the house 'like that' and clicked her fingers, 'and do you know what that's called? "class"', I said 'daddy more like' and she punched me on the back of the head as I turned away.

Whenever I disagree with her about a topic, particularly on her mother undermining me with our child, I'm told to get a grip and sort my **** out. Its her grandma and she has as many rights as I do. She will not tell her mum to stop etc When I refused to accept this I was told I could either 'get on with it' or I could get out of the house. When I said I lived here too she said the police would remove me anyway. We are engaged to be married and she wants a pre-nup to stop me 'getting my hands on her money'. I have been organising the wedding for us I run by her what the choices are though.

We don't have a joint account, everything comes out of hers and I have to pay her a deposit every month. I recently discovered I'm not on the council tax bill when I was unable to vote.

We only ever spend time with her family, mine are marginalised and when I bring this up she says "they never invite us anyway", her family don't she invites herself, and we have been invited, she just finds reasons not to go, in 4 years shes seen my mum twice. When my mum visited the baby, she went out and left me on my own. Usually saying, what does she need to be there for? theres no pictures of us on facebook only her and the baby, she told me to put one of us all on mine though. Consequently I dont ever really see my family anymore and my friends are the same as she thinks they're bad influences as I usually have 'more to say for myself' when Ive been out with them. So I just avoid doing or saying anything about her families behaviour as its just easier to be honest, happy wife, happy life!

I have a 'qualified' job having been the first member of my family to go to university and she says "you think you've "overcome the odds" and its ********, you're only an 'x'. you went to a **** university anyway, mine was better for job prospects.

She calls me fat a lot, then says she'd never actually call me fat if she meant it? and adds that I used to dress better etc, Ive put on my daddy baby weight thats for sure but its only a stone. I lost weight when we got together, but then she told me I looked old and needed to gain some.

When we argue I regularly get thrown out of the house when I dont agree, I've slept at my brothers, the office and in my car on an industrial estate. She tells me this is my own fault and if I wasnt such a ******** there wouldnt be any problem. Usually after I return and apologise we have about a week of calm and affection.

Whenever we go out, I always have to pay, she sometimes orders stuff on my behalf, or arranges a hotel away with me that I then have to pay for, if I say I cant afford it I don't care about her, this has got me into debt. She works too, currently on maternity leave. I'm writing this from work. Then when it comes to new things she wants Im usually quizzed as to where all my money has gone. The only frivolity I have is about 12 cans of beer fri and sat night. On one occasion she bought cakes for her brother and sister in law, niece and mother and I had to buy my own, at the till for 69p. On another occasion her own brother challenged her as she bought everyone a drink (same bunch) and I had to go to the bar on my own (pre baby).

I spent £500 on her for her birthday and she wanted nearly all of it back to the shops, she even showed her mum in front of me so they could both laugh, the following year I just got vouchers and was told how unoriginal I was. I never seem to get it quite right, but I think thats just me in general to be honest.


I recently told her I wanted to separate and she told me Id never see my child unless I went through court and that then she'd take so much from me through CSA I couldn't afford it anyway. I love my child immensely, I dont know what else to do other than just grin and bear it for us all and hope it improves. Her and our friends think she is amazing happy go lucky character and its beginning to make me wonder if all this is within my own head and I really do need to get a grip? She's never like this with anyone else and certainly not publicly, she often quotes this as to why this is my problem, I want to seek help to see if it is me, but Im afraid if I do it'll definitely be my fault by virtue of going to seek help, I really dont know what to do for the best. I mean I could easily hit her back and 'win' so I cant be being bullied per se, but I'm worried where this will end up with me without my child and my home.

My friend thinks Im in denial and 'worries about me' but I was only speaking to her to help me understand what Im doing so wrong to make our relationship so hard. Am I being an idiot with her? Am I expecting too much? Do I act stupidly? get annoyed about the silly?

This was of course before leaving and now Im treated like I left the baby and need to subjugate to her, Im out now an din my own place and she makes all sorts of claims about me to everyone and its awful.

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Ive been through it like most on here.

Remember to say "it could be worse" is equitable to telling a happy person they could be happier. People feel what they feel.

I have some knowledge of some stuff.
Last Edit: by Twiston.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 5 days ago #65977

Thanks for the reply. I agree that we have to believe we are going to get better if there is any chance of it happening. It's just very hard. Especially when you see your ex once a week in the house you used to live in, it brings everything flooding back each time.
It does sound like you have been in a very similar relationship, and you were definitely right to get out of it. From what I just read, there are no doubts that she abused you, and it was not all in your head.
My daughter is two and a half now, I started seeing her again last November. Hopefully your contact will increase as time moves on.
My ex also made it out to everyone that I walked out on her and didn't give a damn about my child, and started spreading horrible rumours about me to make me look bad. As a result, Cafcass took her word on some of it and I am not seeing my daughter as much as I should be. This is just them continuing to be controlling and manipulative.
I was also kicked out of the house in an instant if I so much as had my own opinion on anything, and spent many nights on the sofa for the same reason, too.
Characters like these, to me seem out of this world. I have began to see my ex as a cartoon character, because her behaviour has and still is so exaggerated and irrational, it's hard to see her as a real person.
From what I have learnt about narcissism, your ex sounds like she falls in to this category to me. I find this guy's videos helpful in understanding why my ex acts in certain way, and learning to understand that it's not my fault. They might be useful to you too: www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH
Rich

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Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 5 days ago #65993

I can relate to you guys so much - same thing.

We need to remember, these things aren't our fault.

My ex and her mum would regularly laugh at me. I'd get told off for getting the hump with it.

That's just 1 thing. To be honest I could copy paste what you wrote and it would be fairly accurate.

But it's not our fault.

I'm about to rent a house. Get my life on track. I'll be skint for 6 months. But I've been skint for years. At least now when I come home I can sit down, relax and not worry about what's going to happen.

My ex no doubt will get with someone soon- might offer him my sofa and a beer, poor guy will need it!

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Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 5 days ago #66008

I think the same thing about my ex's new partner. He has no idea what he is in for and I feel sorry for him. I want to tell him, but he wouldn't listen, understandably - he's head over heels for her just like I was, plus I don't want to get involved. I am thankful that I don't have to deal with my ex on a daily basis and remember, like you I expect, how much stress and tension there was 24/7.
There's a lot of guys who are abused by women apparently. I didn't realise it at the time of being in the relationship because the media only ever tells us about the women who are abused. There needs to be more media coverage for us men, it would help men being abused realise what is going on and get the hell out. Because, like us, they are probably thinking that they are being silly because 'men don't get abused by women'. And the other thing is that because it's considered such a taboo by the media and is not spoken about, so many women get away with it, and carry on doing it, because there's not much stopping them.
My ex's mum joined in too. I am shocked to hear that I am not the only one that has happened too. It baffles me why anyone would do that. I remember politely asking my ex to help me clean and tidy the flat we were moving out of and she went ballistic, telling me it was the man's job and the woman should be looking after the baby, she lost it and verbally reduced me to crying wreck on the floor and then kicked me in the stomach. Then in a panic, she rang her mum to tell her what she had done and asked to come over straight away to help sort it out. Her mum then came over, but instead of sorting out her abusive daughter, started shouting at me as well. Mental...
The following user(s) said Thank You: Twiston

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Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 4 days ago #66022

thats called an enabler - my MIL asks questions like "shall I let him hold him" which indicates something, but when she says no, she just goes quiet.

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Ive been through it like most on here.

Remember to say "it could be worse" is equitable to telling a happy person they could be happier. People feel what they feel.

I have some knowledge of some stuff.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 4 days ago #66037

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Not only is she an enabler, but it's highly likely that her daughters behaviour has been learnt from her. I think the dynamics of your exs family life as she was growing up would be very revealing.

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 4 days ago #66039

You all are now FREE, to act, speak, think and be yourselves without being controlled, criticized and judged by this type of woman.

The mere fact they do not play a large part in your life, in itself, will help the healing of you and you will get over it!

A certain amount of contact with them cannot be avoided because of the children but the more distant you become from them the clearer the picture will be of how they control and manipulate. As a consequence you can develop coping strategies when dealing with them which will also help you to avoid the hurt they cause and your confidence will increase dramatically.

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Last Edit: by MotherofaFather.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 2 days ago #66105

Its really hard to believe... guys why are you taking so much tension in life?? Its not a big deal. Enjoy every moment in your life, because each moment is special .

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Last Edit: by cmuwanguzi.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 2 days ago #66108

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SumitaSofat

I think that's a really harsh and unfair comment, it's also not helpful to our members who have been open to sharing their experiences in order to help others and get advice on their own situations.....

Guys, I think you're amazing for sharing your experiences, keep posting and we will all try and help and support you where we can.

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Mum and Step Mum, supporting my partner through the Family Court maze. I feel passionately about children having a right to a relationship with both parents and am currently in training to be an MF.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 2 days ago #66126

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SumitaSofat wrote: Its really hard to believe... guys why are you taking so much tension in life?? Its not a big deal. Enjoy every moment in your life, because each moment is special .


I don't think you get the impact that a narcissists behaviour has on their victims SumitSofat and I suggest you do some research on the subject!

Tension is a fact of life unfortunately and can take a terrible toll on someone's quality of life....it's a very big deal for some so perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to judge in future.

I can only echo 1626s words...it takes courage to share bad experiences, that's what makes this Forum so special.

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Will I Get Over the Abuse? 4 years 2 days ago #66127

To SumitaSofat quote you, " It's really hard to believe... guys why are you taking so much tension in life?? Its not a big deal. Enjoy every moment in your life, because each moment is special.

SumitaSofat, do you realize the purpose of this sight?
I WILL TELL YOU. It gives information and support to help fathers get access to their children.

Why do you SumataSofit find it hard to believe guys are taking so much tension in their life??
I WILL TELL YOU. These fathers have "lost" their children for no good reason. They are being denied access to their children because the mothers are utterly selfish, are in a position of power and want to control the men to make them suffer. The children suffer in all of this too. They also use the children sometimes as weapons to get more money from the men. Most of these fathers don't see their children for months and THAT IS WHY THEY ARE quote, " TAKING SO MUCH TENSION IN THEIR LIFE." They are not allowed to be fathers and they love their children dearly!

Why do you say SumataSofit, quote, "It's not a big deal,"
I WILL TELL YOU, it IS a big deal. Have you any idea what you are commenting on? The loss these fathers feel is akin to bereavement. Not being able to have contact and see their child/ren is as as serious and traumatic as it can get !
,
You say SumataSofit, quote, "enjoy every moment in your life."
What a stupid comment you make SumataSofit. How can these men and their extended families enjoy their lives when the most important part of their lives, the children, are not allowed to be in their lives?. To reiterate these men are isolated from their children FOR NO GOOD REASON!

You say SumitaSofat, quote, "each moment is special."
I WILL TELL YOU, each moment is very, very special when you have your child/ren with you BUT when you don't have your child/dren it is a never ending period of utter torment, heartache and worry.

These men and their families suffer dreadfully at the hands of totally unreasonable women, the mother's of their children. I question whether you have the ability to understand, I don't believe you do.

To write as you have on here, I believe is irresponsible of you, it shows a level of ignorance unsurpassable and a lack of empathy which is astonishing considering your initial message proffers advice for the good of man.

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Last Edit: by MotherofaFather.
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