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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66527

  • COYBIG
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Hi Guys,

1st post so be gentle!

Currently going through a 'separation' at the moment, things haven't been great between us for a couple of months but nothing like we haven't worked out before, nothing major at all just the usual small things most couples go through on a regular basis. We have two children together and she has two children from a previous relationship, four children in total of whom I absolutely adore would do absolutely anything for.We have been a great couple for a few years now, engaged looking to get married in the near future, never in a million years did I see this coming...

In the last few days, out of the blue, my other half said her feelings have changed towards me and can't see us working it out and she thought it was best I moved out. I said lets see if we can work this one out, but she point blank refused. Stunned, i got my things together, accepted her wish said goodbye to the kids. I can easily say that is the most gut wrenching things I have ever had to do (I would not wish that upon anyone)

She sent me a message a few days later saying she has maybe been too harsh thowing me out not giving it another chance but she said that may be down to the guilt she is feeling, she said the time apart may help her come to her senses and make a decision!? I just don't understand...its just leaving me with false hope. I think her decision has already been made if I am truly honest.

I am an emotional wreck at the moment, I have this stupid false hope that everything is going to be fine and I will be back home with her and the kids, her feelings have changed and I don't think I can change that and we are finished as a couple, but I am just hanging here, floating through life at the moment not knowing whats going to happen. Surely if she wants me there I would be there and not posting this.

I cannot comprehend the thought of not being home with her and the kids and it is literally tearing me apart: I'm not focused on my job, not being productive at all and my head spinning. I avoid speaking to people as I feel like constantly crying. I have felt physically ill since this has all happened, I have hardly eaten since I left.

I seen the kids last night for the first time since it I left, she said I could come and see them before they went to bed. I was buzzing yesterday afternoon with excitement to see them, great to speak to them and spend sometime with them. She hardly spoke to me during my visit, cementing my worst fears, she just sat and looked at her mobile phone. Couple hours later I said goodbye and away I went.

Its just a horrible existence at the moment, I have to be strong for the kids but mentally I am sinking/failing big time. Anybody been here before?

Thanks for reading, sorry its a bit long... just be good to hear from people who have went through this before, Am I being too soft just waiting for her to make her mind up? I just don't know what to do!

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66528

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Just realised I have posted this on the wrong page! can someone help?

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66535

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Hi there,

This time must be very hard for you, and for the children too. I think you are doing the right thing by giving her the space and time she has asked for...as upsetting as that is for you.

You are absolutely right, it's so important that you stay strong. But not just for the kids, for yourself too. Taking care of the basics, eating and getting enough sleep will help, if you're not eating its bound to make you feel ill.

It might be a good idea to have a word with your boss about how you're feeling, he will be able to cut you a bit of slack.

I don't think you're being too soft waiting for her, as long as you aren't contacting her, it will give her time to realise what she is giving up. Give it a little more time and perhaps next time she contacts you, suggest that you both try couples counselling to try and sort this out. Here's a link to the Relate website, it's worth considering.

Best of luck

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66536

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What section would you like me to move your thread to?

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66538

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Hi Mojo,

Appreciate you taking your time to read and respond to my post.

I have done my best and not to contacted her, as tempting as it is to try get some answers. Its horrible being in this situation considering I have not done anything majorly wrong. If I had done wrong I would put my hands up and accept I screwed up.

Time is going to be my friend here I think - I am mentally preparing myself for the worst now, I need to get rid of this false hope that is dominating my thoughts at the moment.

I dont know what section would be best to move to Mojo - could you move to relationships? Many thanks!

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66546

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...I think your being incredibly strong, especially as its come out of the blue.

It's a good idea not to build up your expectations, try and remain somewhere in the centre...there's nothing wrong with a little hope that things might work out.

I forgot to give you. The link to Relate

www.relate.org.uk

I've moved it to the relationships section, hopefully you. Will get some responses from members that have walked in your shoes....chin up.

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66595

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I know it may be hard, but at the moment, try to find other things to occupy yourself - take up a sport or hobby. As well as being good for you, if your fiance sees that you're actually more independent than she realised, she may be more inclined to make a decision about the relationship either way, rather than leave you in limbo.

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66647

Well welcome to my life last April 2014. Myself and my Wife were not getting on since about the November and drifted apart.

On the first of April she text me (I had been working away for a week and came back that morning) she wanted a divorce. Then basically a similar situation to where you are now. Looking back I would have done a lot different.

I didn't not over out until the end of July. That I think helped as I maintained contact with the kids every day and managed to get my personal things together slowly. We just avoided each other for those few months. We cried and spoke about how simple and easy we will make it. Big mistake as this week im in court to stop her removing the kids to new zealand (turns out she was cheating on mean and shes out there next week to get married). Two court actions later, 20k in legal fees and bitter feeling later I can see she lied and did whatever suited her from the beginning.

So if I was to do it again this is what I would do.
1) Try - if you want to stick together (and the grass always looks greener) then try. Get a professional mediator. At the least it may clarify what the issues are.
2) Get a Solicitor. It will cost but this will save heart ache in the future. If you do split get a Clean Break Order. Its a court order and will stipulate how you split the finances. I did one, last week we sold the house and she wanted to negotiate the settlement, thankfully it was set in that agreement. Thsi has nothing to do with the kids just your assets.
3) Kids first - whatever you do, every approach and action for the courts should be for the benefit of the kids. As a dad thats how you want it but they are not concerned if your ok, only the best options for the kids. Record anything unusual and keep a short note in a diary.
4) Don't take pity. its easy to give and give as you dont want friction, dont be horrid about it but if there are lines and limits then set those now - or your be bending backwards to help her when she may not be doing the same.
5) Trust me you don't know who she is - I was with my wife since we were 19. We split at 38. i though she was a normal human. Turns out shes selfish, manipulative and uses the kids to get what she wants. Base your actions on calm rational reasoning as if this was a stranger then you wont get hurt any more.

I am very bitter and thats the part that hurts. My ex is now asking if I would not go to court as she cannot afford it, but she still wants to remove them from the country. Shes can however afford to take the kids on a 3 week holiday to New Zealand to get married to the bloke she has met in real life 4 times, to which they have met him for 2 days. In the middle of a court order for jurisdiction restrictions. This was the woman who sat down and hugged me at the start saying we will be best friends and do everything for the kids together. Bitter and twisted but for a reason - please be careful and consider what you do regardless of how hard or harsh it seams.

Ultimately you need to be in a good place to be a good date. Financially, accommodation wise and socially so you can enjoy the time with your kids and give them a safe and enjoyable time with you. It took me a year before I could relax a little and for the first time enjoy their time with me. I just hope the court make the right decision now.

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66662

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Thanks for that advice - excellent. The only thing I would alter is point 3 - don't only note down anything unusual, note absolutely everything down.

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66677

Welcome Coybig, Sorry I am arriving at this late.. but as they say better late than never.

It is very important as Mojo said that you look after you. Where are you staying, and is it somewhere you are able to negotiate spending time with the children?

If you can spend some quality time with them through his period that would be very good for them and for you.

Time may help it is definitely worth thinking about going to relate if you are both considering giving your relationship another go.

A great article on our website that may help you think through your conversation with your partner is - Fighting fair - www.dad.info/relationships/long-term/fig...ng-your-relationship

Please continue to talk to us, we are hear to listen, let us know how it is going and please look after you and spend as much time as possible that you can with the children. It will help.

all the best

C.

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Having worked with fathers, male carers and their children for over 14 years, I believe greatly in the value that fathers bring to their children and equally the value that children bring to their fathers.
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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66775

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Hi Mojo,

sorry for the delay in getting back to you, thanks for moving my post - really appreciate your help.

As of now we are finished however she did say that her feelings may change in time in the long term (she is not making any promises) but in the short term she cannot see us working out - really is heart breaking but it has been really amicable, I go see the kids every 2-3 days so I get to see them as much as possible. My mental well being has perked up over the last few days - work has been really busy allowing me to really focus on something and not let my self get down. Living with my parents just now before I find a new place has also been a god send, they really look after me and I cannot thank them enough.

thanks again mojo for your kind words - I cant believe the response and support I am getting.

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Has anyone been through this? 3 years 8 months ago #66881

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Try to keep it amicable, even if it means making a few compromises, it's much easier for all of you if you can avoid court or mediation. Just be aware that if either of you finds a new partner, that can make it more difficult, so if you can prepare for this in advance (ideally by talking it through), then you might be able to avoid any additional strain. Well done on your positive attitude :)

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