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TOPIC: Might Never have a Son

Might Never have a Son 2 years 11 months ago #84833

So I'm writing out my thoughts and it's going to get long-winded. I'll tell you when you can skip ahead.

When we were dating my partner and I had a slight disagreement on how many kids we should have. I wanted two or three (at least one of each gender, if the first two were of one gender then we'd adopt the other gender) my wife wanted at least four. We agreed to get as far as two and then discuss. I felt confident that at least I'd at least get one of each, so no problem. The fact that I'd have more of a connection with a boy than a girl made a son more important to me, but missing out on either side of the coin would have been disappointing to me.
(You can skip to the last paragraph now)

Three years ago my first child was born. A little girl. And although I always wanted my first child to be a son, I love her immensely and I have since (before) she was born. The whole process changed my wife during pregnancy and for the year after. From my point of view the change in my relationship with my wife was the hardest part of having a child. The birth was hard and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't traumatizing, but ,despite all that, as a family we overcame it and we were happy.

We were happy except for the fact that she wanted to go through it again. She wanted to try and have a natural birth and try have a boy for me. I truly did not. I wanted to have the snip and never be responsible for that amount of pain again in my life. I still wanted a son, but I wanted to adopt a little boy and leave it at that (I know it's not that easy). However, I said that if she was willing to go through it again, then my guilt would have to step aside. So we did it...

She miscarried... It was horrid... Clearly more for her than me... But she wanted to try a third time... Regardless of my feelings I couldn't argue... We got pregnant again.

There was some bleeding, and some panicking but another girl was born to us 6 months ago. The behavioral changes in my wife were milder, but definitely still there, even now. The birth itself was easier but far FAR from perfect and it came with a return to the hospital with a mystery infection that I feared would kill my wife. After the amount of physical pain she caused and due to the fact that she wasn't as easy a baby, I didn't have the same instant connection with the newborn that I had with her older sister. I have grown to love baby 2, rather than it having felt love at first sight, but I'm happy to report that we are now on the upswing.

So with all this in mind (two daughters and a fair amount of trouble in) I asked what are my wife what are her current thoughts on adoption. She said she doesn't know...She fears that she will go crazy being alone with the kids for that number of extra years! I am devastated. I feel that I have already gone to crazy and back again three times for her. It's not that I have any negative feelings towards my daughters, but I have always wanted to have a son. I have always wanted both, and I have expressed that to her. I feel as I have endured all this out of wishes that were 80% hers, and now she's unwilling to give me the extra part that was important to me. I think I badly need to chat this out with someone before I literally go insane... Is it just me or is this amazingly unfair???

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Last Edit: by Charlie1485.

Might Never have a Son 2 years 11 months ago #84876

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With your youngest only six months old, I wouldn't get so stressed about this issue right now, give it some more time and broach the subject again in another six months or so... let the mother settle into having two kids, getting a good routine going and the baby sleeping all night and her attitude might change.

All the best
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Might Never have a Son 2 years 11 months ago #84960

I suppose you are right. I'm just a bit hurt how it is never, her putting herself aside for something that is important to me... But perhaps it is best broached in 6 months time, as you say.

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Might Never have a Son 2 years 11 months ago #84968

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That's one heck of a decision to be making when your current ones are so young. I would say the same as Mojo and give it some time.
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I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.
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