TOPIC: Advice needed please

Advice needed please 1 week 5 days ago #86454

Hello, need some advice please . My ex wife and I seperated 3 years after she had an affair. Divorce was issued in Jan of this year. I now have a new partner and we are living together. Problems I have are as follows :

1. Ex sends me a lot of abusive messages , I sometimes ignore them and I am never rude on my replies - what can I do to stop the messages?

2. I asked her to be civil last week face to face , she has since got worse.

3. Last weekend I took our daughter camping, she was texting me the whole time...it ruined my time.

4. She is also not threatning to come to my house to take my daughter if I am not there and she is left with my current partner. She is also threatning to start contacting my new partner.

On this point can I also advise that ex had to meet my new partner before she would allow our daughter to spend time with us all, she did that and stated she "approved"

5. Ex is not telling me of any hospital appointments for our son, he has a bad knee currentlty that he requires treatment on.

My ex thrives on trying to cause me problems... I can swear that I have never caused her an issue, after she had the affair I moved out with just my clothes, I signed the house and car over to her, I just wanted to be away from her as she caused me so much pain, I just want to be civil and live a life that I do not get any grief any more, I am lost and dont know what to do.

Any suggesitons please?
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Advice needed please 1 week 5 days ago #86455

Hi there Jayhill,

Sorry to hear about some of the nonsense you're having to go through at present - I know personally it can be a difficult balancing act of choosing which messages even warrant a response, and which will cause more frustration - it's great that you're keeping a level head about how you respond.

My personal and humble advice on the matter, which I'm sure you're doing anyway is to respond to all child focussed messages (or aspects of them), and leave out any response to the bitter, antagonistic parts.

Re: legal remedies for abusive messages, you could potentially seek a non-molestation order. Just note that your ex may claim each message has a child focused element to it, and a real sensible question to ask yourself is what type of a headache you may receive going forward by taking a legal route. Again, just my 2 pennies, but if you can take these messages in your stride and ignore the parts that are of no consequence, in a lot of cases the other person will get bored of receiving no response to those types of message.

Regarding unimpeded quality time with your kids, you could just keep things very simple with a message of where you're going during your time with your children BEFORE you go, and end the first message with the fact that you'll have limited availability to phone/email etc, but that any urgent updates you'll share ASAP. At a minimum, your ex can't then expect responses throughout the time you're away unless it is for urgent matters. We are all entitled to quiet enjoyment time with our kids.

Point 4 - I'll leave someone more experienced than I to comment on - I would assume that if your daughter is comfortable with your new partner, and your ex 'approve' this shouldn't really be an issue?

Point 5 - do you have parental responsibility? This would really be a matter of law and not too difficult (in principle). In my own case (similar regarding not being updated on medical info), I sent an all encompassing message to my ex - explaining that I would prefer if she would provide my contact details directly to the GP surgery to be kept in the loop as a secondary contact, but that I could also reach out to the GP directly via PR.

Depending on the GP/surgery it can be easier in principle than in practice to get the ball rolling, and ultimately you want to have a good relationship with your child's medical professionals, so trying at least once via your ex would be a good idea. I am sure it is not just me who may have experienced this from a GP, despite having parental responsibility - 'why can't you ask the mother about what I said, what was discussed etc.'

You sound like you've got the right attitude to it all though, and certainly, one that you need to keep for your children's sake.

Hope it all gets sorted,

Concerned Daddy.
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Advice needed please 1 week 5 days ago #86460

Thank you for the reply, that is very helpful, thanks for taking the time to write back. I do try and only limit the replies but it gets to a point where I have to reply as ex starts to bring the kids in to it all.

I approached her last week in front of the kids and said can we draw a line under it all please and start fresh and answer was no...

I think as from this point today I will actually ignore all her messages unless important in regards to the children, I text back last week and stated that if shes comes to my house causing trouble ( she did once before and locked herself in my house ) or starts harrasing new partner then I will have no option but to call the police, something I do not want to do but feel I will have to start standing up to her in that way.

In ref to daughter staying with new partner, she is fine with 100% , she speaks her mind and she is 11, I was only going to collect my son from his girlfriends house, they were together for about 30 mins. The odd thing is that we have just had a holiday together and she did not try and stop that.

Thanks for the support and kind advice.
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Advice needed please 1 week 5 days ago #86476

I think you are on the right lines with the option of calling the police. When your daughter is with you, she has no right to intrude on that time. With the messages, you can either get a cheap phone and give her that number, and you can then read the messages at a time to suit you (all in one go, when you are prepared for it), or use an app to block or hide her messages on your existing phone. I'm not sure about Apple, but certainly Android phones give you a lot of flexibility.
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Advice needed please 1 week 4 days ago #86483

Hi

I agree with all the above.

Definitely worth considering a separate number and email account for your ex to contact you.

If you ask someone to stop messaging you and they don't, you have a case to contact the police on grounds of harassment, although this often adds fuel to the fire. Just trying to ignore most of the messages is probably your first best bet.

Try not to raise anything with her in front of the children, in case it escalates and she sees that as free reign to cause a scene with them there.

If you think she's likely to do this, you can leave your phone in your pocket on record to cover your back.

Ultimately, with no court order in place, if she chooses to stop contact, she can, which is very frustrating.

She sounds very controlling - asking to meet your partner first is a classic.

With PR, you can contact the GP direct regarding medical information, she's not obliged to provide that. Although, you might find she will if she thinks you will contact the surgery directly to be informed of your son's care.

It sounds like you are handling this very well so far, but it does have the signs of becoming more difficult for you.

We are here if you need support. Wishing you the very best.
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Advice needed please 1 week 4 days ago #86493

Hi Jay,

I have no expirience with this myself but It could be worth checking out a guy on youtube called corey wayne. He has a ton of videos on situations like this, worth a shot but if not I hope you get everything sorted.
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Advice needed please 1 week 4 days ago #86496

Thanks to all the replies, very kind of you all. I think if it continues I wil get myself a cheap mobile phone and give the ex that number, I can then turn that phone on and off as I choose to stop it runing my time with the kids. I am hoping she meets someone else and then her focus can be on other areas of her life....and not just trying to runing mine.
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