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TOPIC: Sex as a single dad

Sex as a single dad 4 months 6 days ago #96719

Hi,

This has been bugging me ever since I split up with my ex 5 years ago. I've googled to no end, but can't seem to find a decent answer, not for fathers in this position anyway.

I was wondering what people's views were on a dad having sex with someone he is dating (not in a committed relationship with). Part of my brain says 'yes, that's fine, you have needs like anyone else', the other part says 'no, how dare you even consider it, you're a father, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself'.

For me, I can't do a relationship right now, and haven't been able to since I split up with my ex, due to health issues, as well as feeling that this whole thing, being in and out of court, mediation, and my life having been flipped upside down, is both too much for me to deal with on top of a relationship, and wouldn't be fair to bring another person into. Ultimately, my health is the main problem. Just maintaining a friendship is difficult for me.

But what do I do about the fact that I am human, I have needs, and I feel like a monk these days? I have dabbled with Tinder and there's been women that have wanted that. But it makes me feel so dirty. I'd much prefer to be in a relationship but it's just not an option, and the thing is, if I don't ever get out of this relapse with my physical health, then I am looking at the rest of my life with no partner, and no sex. Do I just have to face up to the facts that I might not have sex again for a very very long time, if ever, or am I being too hard on myself?

Would love to know everyone's thoughts on this. I am having a moral dilemma to say the least. And just to clarify, I am not saying any other single fathers who are actively having sexual relationships are dirty (for some reason, I feel it's okay for others to do it, but not me), I am just projecting my own thoughts towards myself.

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Sex as a single dad 4 months 6 days ago #96724

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...I think talking about your human needs is about the physical side of things, but sex isn’t just about physicality, there’s an emotional and a moral side to it too, which you’ve also picked up on.

We’re all different and there’s not a one size fits all answer to this question. Forget about what other people think about casual sex, it’s how you feel about it that matters.

Intimacy between two people and the decisions they make as a couple is deeply personal. There is no right way to be.

Some people are fine with casual sex to meet their needs, some people are uncomfortable with that and have difficulty separating physical and emotional sex.

None of us knows what the future holds, sometimes it’s best to concentrate on the now, it sounds to me that you are still healing from the pain of your past relationship, might some form of counselling help you at this point, finding some emotional release might just help you with this dilemma too.

I’m pretty sure there are people who’s health isn’t great who may be disabled, that have a fulfilled sex life, be that with a loving partner or more casually. I think getting yourself in a better place mentally would help you find a way through your dilemma and get some of the questions you’re posing yourself, answered.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Sex as a single dad 4 months 6 days ago #96734

Thanks for your response. I was aware after I posted that this might be a bit of a sensitive topic for some to reply to.

You're absolutely right, I have been in out and out of counselling since me and my ex split up 5 years ago (until a free service had finished and I had to find another). I'm now on another waiting list for another batch of free sessions. Hopefully my personal independence payment tribunal will come sooner rather than later I can facilitate ongoing sessions if I get awarded it.

It's totally a moral and emotional issue for me, and you're right about there not being a one size fits all solution. Although, how much easier life would be if there was haha. I have lots of stuff I need to work through with a counsellor really.I guess I feel people find my health hard work for them, and it also confuses them on the best of days (I have invisible illnesses, so I look completely healthy which makes things tough), I think ultimately I want to be in a relationship, and have done for a couple of years now, but it doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.

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Sex as a single dad 4 months 6 days ago #96738

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It might be a good idea to cultivate new friendships right now... and allow something more flow from that in its own time. join a club or take up some form of activity, maybe a dinner club or an evening class.

Perhaps see if there are any local Gingerbread groups in your area, Gingerbread are an organisation that for single parents that organises events and is an opportunity for single parents to get out and meet new people.

Best of luck

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Sex as a single dad 4 months 3 days ago #96807

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I agree with mojo - don't get fixated on relationships, but join groups or activities where you will meet other people and just get comfortable getting into friendships with other people. You may meet someone there, but if not, you are just getting more used to mixing.

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Sex as a single dad 3 months 3 weeks ago #96969

Hello SF87, I was looking here for advice and sharing my situation but I rang so true to me I though I would add my thoughts but didn't want to take over your thread so created a new one.

If you value waking up every morning, content, happy to be a father, guilt free and generally good I cannot scream enough "NOOOO" or at least serious think "is it what you want"?

www.dad.info/forum/relationships/50843-why-oh-why-did-i-do-this

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