At present, I'm waking up with knotted stomach though sleeping ok, cant concentrate, making food and then not feeling like eating it, close to tears all because I wanted to scratch an itch sexually, now I wish I could turn back the clock 2 weeks or so.
So, I was in the same boat split for 6 years from my ex. Spent years dreaming this image of a quick shag no harm done. Been on and POF for a couple of years, look at the pictures, dream up and image, had a couple of one time only coffee meets over the past couple of years and coming away thinking a relationship isn't going to work for me. I have a bit of a busy life and struggle finding the time to commit time and energy to a relationship. Stick to the porn and meet the needs that way.
Fast forward a year or so and I start talking to an older woman nearby (via POF) and we start having a skype chat based relationship. General day to day stuff mixed in with innuendo. We've actually been talking a year by this point (2 weeks ago) where stupidly I suggest meeting up for a coffee or something.
I was aware that she was married but hubby was an bit of a drinker and they sort of lead separate lives and basically have no sex but not in a position to leave each other. I was also aware that she was not a slim girl and ashamed to say not the bext looker but good was I in for a shock.
So I stupidly suggested my place, and she comes for an hour we make a drink and chat she leaves, first impressions not good on the outside. It should have ended there.
Later that evening, I was a bit you know and having some saucy chat and we suggested she came round and mutually see what happens.
She turns up the next evening and not what I thought (pictures lie) and while chat was good and welcome (some common interests, mainly TV) she was very insistent (come and sit next to me, wanting to kiss).
We ended up having a fumble and while there was no penetrative sex, there was a some other acts of a sexual nature. It felt so awkward and not what I expected and she didnt tell me she smoked ewww.
I was shaking like a left after she went, thinking what have I done and the guilt has eat at me since then. I have been close to tears when daughter with me but just about holding it back. I feel like I have cheated her, what would she think if she understood, what would her mum think of me. I cant bear this - I feel dirty.
I have an excellent relationship with my daughter, I have her 30-40% of the week, stays over several nights, she is my best buddy, everything I imagine doing is with her. Myself and her mum also get ok now where daughter is concerned.
All this threatens to unravel all that.
I'm very inexperienced sexually to say I'm almost 40 and this just proves bad decisions come with this inexperience. I just wish I could keep my sexual thoughts in my head and not express them like this.
I'm not a cheat and would never dream of doing this if I was in a relationship. I do have an unhealthy association with sex I think.
Its hard to put all this in words how ashamed I feel. I don't want have to admit to this but don't want this to come out either.
You are a normal human being with feelings and needs.
It appears to me that you are punishing yourself needlessly in having tried to satisfy a need you had.
Be kind to yourself! You have no need whatsoever to feel ashamed, guilty or a bad father!
The punishment you are putting yourself through is far, far in excess what it should be. In fact you should not be punishing yourself at all.
You have had an experience and now wish you hadn't. We all make mistakes and regret having done something, particularly in hindsight. Hindsight is not always a good thing. Accept that at the time it served a purpose which now gives you greater insight as to you as a person and importantly serves as a learning curve which I believe is a good thing. It is an experience you should embrace which will enable you to learn a number of things about yourself. All experiences whether good or bad, we learn from them and become wiser people and gain the knowledge of what we can cope with.
You have a good relationship with your Ex wife and an excellent one with your daughter. I cannot see how your experience should be a threat to either of these relationships. They will not know anything about your experience.
You have a right to a private life as a single man. When you do not have your daughter with you and are on your own what you choose to do is your choice.
If a person puts too many restrictions on themselves, I believe it inhibits the development of potential and maturity.
You appear to have acted out of character but is that such a bad thing? No it isn't.
I'm not a religious person but I do like the Serenity Prayer, it is as follows:-
Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
the COURAGE to change the things I can
and the WISDOM to know the difference.