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TOPIC: A Dads girlfriend

A Dads girlfriend 1 year 3 months ago #97917

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I have been with my partner 2 yrs this May. His ex since she became aware of my existence has and is trying everthing in the book. The lies/her versions of the truth are appaling. Allegations of domestic violence are rife - even though she was the abuser.

Anyway, the shortest version is this. ...I am struggling to cope with all of it. I am doing everything i can to be supportive and i know that i have given my boyfriend alot of support that he appreciates but this whole situation is destroying him (she has refused access since august 2018, his son is showing signs of being coached to be rude to his dad...actually telling his dad to stop brainwashing him...his son is 5). My boyfriend is heartbroken he misses his son so much.
It was less than 3 months into our relationship that his ex started restricting access and making false allegations. He lost his father 2 months into our relationship.

I am cracking under the pressure. I don't recognise myself anymore. I am unhappy and being around my boyfriend makes it worse because he is so unhappy.

He only tells me what he feels i need to know....i am trying to respect that but i find it difficult because he expects so much from me (hours writing letters/emails/texts) we argue because he doesnt recognise he has no patience with me....sometimes he thinks he talks in sentances but many times he does not because his mind is working faster than he can speak.

I have joined forums, researched information, spoken to lawyers and a mckenzie friend and regularly search google so that i can be as clued up as possible to help. When i share what i have found he takes it the wrong way and still has not joined the forum even when i told him its good to know you are not alone.

I am 37, no kids and had hoped that by now in this relationship we eould be thinking in this way...well we cannot and i understand why but i am now worried that i am wasting my time here.

I cannot understand what is going on because i dont have all the facts. I dont feel i know enough to feel confident in my relationship status...

I dont want to walk out on him....i dont want to leave him alone. I need support too. This is far from what i wanted especially after healing from a divorce and spending 5 yrs working ln myself.

He says he just wants someine to talk to who will listen. I wake to him crying at night.

The First hearing was last week and more lies were told by his ex and social servixes so he is more down and feels they are plotting against him.
I try to listen...i do but i am tired, angry, frustrated, lonely and there is not the connection, affection, communication that i need too

Please advise me.

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A Dads girlfriend 1 year 3 months ago #97921

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Hi there

I’m sorry to hear that you and your partner are struggling so much so that it is affecting your relationship with him... if there is ever a time when he needs support, it’s now, I don’t say that to make you feel guilty, it’s just a sad fact of the situation he’s faced with.

Family court is incredibly hard to deal with and puts immense strain on the person living it... I say living it because it can become all consuming and takes over every part of life.

You’re not alone and it’s great that you have found somewhere to talk about your feelings. Sometimes taking time out is essential to be able to keep going and stay focused, it sounds to me that this isn’t happening.

At the moment his world revolves around the court case and his child, but if he expects your full attention and support I think is important that he shares everything with you, a need to know basis can’t work when you are doing so much of the leg work for him and trying to support him emotionally... it’s often the way that the carer is left with little support, as the attention revolves around the person that needs the help.

You must talk to him about how hard you’re finding it, perhaps suggest some form of counselling. It wouldn’t be right to stay with him out of a sense of duty alone, you need to feel valued and supported too, but you recognise the warning signs and hopefully it’s not too late to get your relationship back on track.

Men can be single minded, he’s caught in a web of court and lies and fear and at the moment he can’t see anything else. Be kind but firm, some straight talking is required and only you can do that. Perhaps you could try and organise a couple of days away for you both, to recharge and talk about you and your relationship, see if you can’t start to heal the way you’re feeling. Tell him what it is you need from him and explain that you also need his consideration and support too. But just as important find time for things you enjoy together... time out from the court case is so important.

If you have someone else you can talk to, a friend or trusted family member, that might help too. This situation isn’t going to last forever, but you will need to be clear that the strain is momentous and puts a strain on the closest and strongest of bonds.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

A Dads girlfriend 1 year 3 months ago #98006

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Do you have anything you like doing outside the relationship, or something you've always wanted to do, but never got around to? I would say you need something so you can have some "me time" perhaps once a week - if you can escape for a while, and have something else to look forward to, hopefully you will start feeling better in yourself and will then be stronger and more able to cope with your partner's issues as well - don't forget, if you are falling apart, then he's going to worry about you in addition to his own situation, but even aside that, you need to make sure you are looking after yourself as a priority.

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A Dads girlfriend 8 months 1 week ago #102274

You are in a difficult situation and I can understand how this can be a strain on your relationship. He will be feeling pain like no other, and like many of us here, feel there is no hope and everyone is against him. But it will get better, not right away, but it will soon. You may find after the first hearing, he may relax a bit and be more open.

It is great that he has you there to support him, just try and explain that you are there to support him and talk to when ever he likes, and if he doesn't want to talk about anything with you, then fine. Just explain how this is making you feel and that although he does not want to talk about it, he should consider your feelings too. I find ranting to my friends and family really helps. I am sure they are all bored of hearing it all, but they are supporting me. Trust me, i have felt the same as your partner, I just want to be left alone, I didn't want to talk to anybody, but I knew that wasn't good for me.

In the nicest possible way, during the time I have not been able to see my children, I have made sure I am making time for myself while I can. I know when I get to see my children properly again, I wont be playing golf as much as i was, I wont be going to my old home town to meet friends and go out etc. I would much rather be with my kids, but wile i cant, I might as well have some fun rather than sit home alone. Suggest he does the same, do something h really likes. Spend more time with you, friends and family. All rally around him and let him know this is just temporary and things will get better. Tell him to come on here and chat to us.

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