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TOPIC: Partner and Children disappeared suddenly

Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98567

Hi All, first time poster. So here it goes.

On the eveningTueaday 16th April, my now ex partner told me she needed some space and needed to go away for a few days. We had been bickering recently but incredibly minor, literally small things. Over our entire 4 1/2 year relationship there has been no aggression, violence of any kind and very rarely argued.

I understood and asked could she hold off for a few days, as she was supposed to be keeping an eye on my eldest from a former relationship due to a safeguarding issue while I was at work, on bank holiday could she have time then. I would of course look after all three children. She said ok. At the time the two small children where with a babysitter, as we had planned our usual "Us" time.

The Wednesday morning she went out, saying she was going to some nearby parks with a camera I got her at Christmas. She said she was taking £100 out of our account so the kids would be with the babysitter a bit longer. I said ok thinking nothing of it.

Suddenly, £2,000 was transferred to her personal account and I was blocked from all forms of communication. I have had no direct contact since. Some of her friends and family tried to reach out, but even her closest relative who loves me to bits couldn't get any information from her.

I have since learnt she has gone to a refuge, and she has been told not to contact me. I have absolutely no idea why, she and our children had a loving safe home. No reason to flee at all.

She does suffer from mental health issues brought on by a traumatic childhood. Lots of memories have surfaced, including ones she forgot. As she recently opened a case into historic physical abuse as a child, and subsequently interviewed. She had also recently stopped taking her medication, or kept going on and off.

The police did a welfare check and as far as they are concerned, where ever they are they are safe and well. Social Services have also said the same.

I have sent several friendly emails asking what is happening, and can we have some form of mediation. I desperately miss my children. But now I have been informed she has been told not to contact me, that's why I have had no reply.

I don't know what to do.

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Last Edit: by surreyhantsdad.

Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98570

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Hi there

This is so distressing for you and your children... unfortunately it’s happens more than you would think. She must have told them that she has been a victim of domestic abuse for them to have placed her in a refuge and stating no contact with you.

I would urge you to stop sending emails, she can quite easily get an injunction against you for harassment, she is being advised by women who are very experienced in the steps to take to stop all contact, they take what she tells them without question, so as far as they are concerned, you are an abuser and they are acting in her and the children’s best interests.

You've contacted the relevant authorities, you’ve informed them that she has mental health issues and has stopped taking her medication, there is no more you can do in that respect. I would also inform them that she withdrew a large sum of money from your account.

The next step would be to start court proceedings for contact with your children, if you can, get a good solicitor that is experienced in family law, that would be advisable.

As she is in a refuge, mediation won’t be an option I’m afraid. You will need to communicate through her Social Worker, that would probably involve using them to pass on the court papers. I must warn you that it is likely to be a very long process.

You could ask the Social Worker if they would be willing to speak to her about some form of supervised contact between you and your children. I would also suggest that her family members also contact Social Services to offer information about what a good father and partner you are and share their concerns about her mental health.

I would also suggest that you put a stop on any more withdrawals from the bank, if possible.

Stay strong SHDad.
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Last Edit: by Mojo.

Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98585

that is terrible. I hope you are hanging in there. unfortunately, for some people, minor/petty issues are actually big. the next step for her will most likely be: awarded a council flat and a whole range of benefits to claim. try get that bank account frozen or shut down if it is joint, if thats possible.

as you dont know where exactly she is staying, i would suggest you get legal advice and get ready to file court application for child arrangements ASAP before you suffer more distress.
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Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98596

Hello Both,

Thank you ever so much for your reply, here are a couple of updates since my post.

- There is no update as to the reasons why she has disappeared with the children.

- Despite promises someone professional / social services would be in contact, I have had none.

- On advise of local social services, and the free legal advise line. I applied for a C100 to seek equal residence of the children, and due to the circumstances for the residing parent to disclose the residency of the children. As I have yet to be able to gain contact or mediate.

- I stopped all direct communication, and only responded to communication via one of her family members who has been liaising as and when she contacts them.

- Communication recently has been around payments towards the children, the mother stated she wanted to do things friendly and without Chlld Maintenance team. I made a token payment as a gesture of goodwill whilst I come up with a proposed weekly figure. I was then told by her that instead of payments, could I continue with paying for the car she has at the moment, and the bills that come out of the joint account. I agreed as it would have worked out the same anyway.

- Suddenly I received a letter from The Child Maintenance Service on Friday (26th) , so I have quickly come up with a payment arrangement and paid her directly a weekly figure. Via the family member she has agreed to the figure and said "Thank you very much", and the Child Maintenance Case has been closed today (29th). I await the letter confirming this before the second payment is made.

- I have also been forwarded a message telling me as "Reassurance" that an Early Care service attached to Social Services will be in contact, but it was taking time due to the "Circumstances". - Note I still have no idea what these circumstances are. I have asked for contact details and await a reply.

- She is unaware that our former babysitter is talking to me, as she is equally shocked and dumbfounded as me. The mother is also talking to her, but won't give any details as to why she has done this. The babysitter let me know today that the Police would be visiting with the mother to collect belongings, fortunately I have driven home as I can work from home. Again I have zero idea as to why she feels that she needs a police escort, I have never threatened, intimidated, or been violent / aggressive in our entire relationship.

Still trying to process all of this, but taking it day by day and trying not to focus on the future as that is uncertain. I'm no longer in fits of tears everyday, but very much on edge and tense.

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Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98601

surreyhantsdad wrote:
Still trying to process all of this, but taking it day by day and trying not to focus on the future as that is uncertain. I'm no longer in fits of tears everyday, but very much on edge and tense.


my stage of shock and awe happened end of last year. now frankly i am just used to the stupid and malicious behaviour from other side. all i do is wait for next court hearing to report it, although i have feeling reporting it doesnt make a difference and mother is always seen as victim. lol@ police escort, what a waste of police time.

you should focus on your future. a family member told me to just think of my future, about building a new life (hopefully with a new partner) and dont let this incident break me.
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Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98607

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This is a stressful time for you, but I’m glad that you are getting on top of your emotions a little more, taking things a day at a time is good, trying to second guess what might happen will just twist you up in knots... just be kind to yourself and keep busy. A lot of guys, in the place where you are right now, found that going to the gym or a good workout/running really helped to keep their head clear.

If she has made allegations of domestic abuse, the police escort is part of creating the picture of abuse... it could be that the women at the refuge are advising her about it.

Stay strong SHDad, hopefully things will become clearer soon... all the best mate.
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 3 weeks ago #98610

Hi All, thanks for your replies.

I have managed to have a better dialogue via a mutual friend, who is our former babysitter all on chat relays via her.

- Where she is, she is not allowed to talk to me, and she is not talking much to others either. Once she is out she will be able to talk to me and settle things out.

- I now have contact details of a contact centre, I have been told I can have the children home and in my care as often as practical. Inc overnight. There is no objections as long as they are returned as agreed. No court action or official agreement is being sought. If I can call in the morning, everything should be arranged in time for the weekend.

- I am being told that she has no wish for anything to be a police matter. It's just being advised she visit with an escort, and she has been told to collect her things. To not take anything that was purchased jointly or by me. Just her clothes and other bits that are obviously hers. The childrens things will remain for them here. No injunctions, nothing. Providing I don't try to contact her directly at this time.

- The Child Maintenance case is closed and we have a written arrangement. Including the use of one of the cars, expense, use of family phone contract.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 2 weeks ago #98633

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I do hope your optimism is well placed, but I remain sceptical that its as she is saying... I sincerely hope I’m wrong though.

Please do keep us posted. Best of luck
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Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 2 weeks ago #98670

Hi All,

So I will be collecting the children tomorrow afternoon, returning them late Bank Holiday Monday. This has been arranged through a contact centre and agreed by both parties.

I have a social worker attached to my eldest Son, as I have a residency order following safeguarding issues with his mum and stepdad. She very kindly did a search againt me, and it turns out my ex has filled a concern. But this was the previous weekend before all this proper intermediary contact started and arrangements.

- She has apparently left because I was controlling her?

In 4 1/2 years I haven't stopped her from doing anything, she went out when she wanted. Did what she wanted, and I financed it all. I put her through driving lessons, got her her own car (I'm financing that). Got a new phone when she wanted etc. Even paid for hotel nights so she could be away in peace.

I'm not worried because the social worker has already spoken to one of her family members and babysitter friend who agree what she is saying is not the case. The social worker has also seen Kayleigh as part of the recent safeguarding with my eldest son.

- Apparently I drink a lot.

I have a couple of drinks maybe twice in the week (Not when looking after the kids) , at weekends on and off depending on the children. I haven't had a drink since she left as I'm now the sole adult in the rhe house and need to be responsible. - Said this to the social worker and she says my eldest and even his mother cite no drink issues.


- I fall asleep in the evenings.

Only a few times after a long day. - Social worker does the same lol

Very bizarre, lets see what happens tomorrow.

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Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 2 weeks ago #98672

hi. I am glad your getting to see your kids. i have had to just sit through the bank holidays. gave up asking ex to see kids on those days, as she is so unreasonable and hostile. so just relying on court.

allegations are hilarious. you see for someone to secure something like a council flat, they need 'valid' reasons. like emotional/domestic abuse, controlling behaviour etc. i experienced the same gibberish. but i try to ignore all that nonsense and just focus on getting arrangement in place to see my kids. for me the funniest part was when ex told lies to cafcass, then she ended up changing the story to contradict herself haha :) some sloppy lying.

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Last Edit: by Bill337.

Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 2 weeks ago #98702

Hi All,

So we have been talking more via intermediary, she says she still loves me and misses me. Her head is a mess, I said I miss and love her too. Too much to write here but we had a dialogue about her coming back, she needs time to think it over. We also have started to have 1-1 dialogue via email.

So I have my kids as of yesterday via the contact centre, and there has been a shock horror development.

Totally out of the blue this morning, there was a knock at the door. It was her! I gasped and said "omg" and we broke down and we had a massive hug. She said she was worried and wanted to see if I was ok.

My eldest gave her a massive hug and we all hugged together sobbing. We all said we missed each other, and things sobered up after a few mins.

We talked about the kids and talked about what was going on with her, she opened up a lot more.

Shes going out with some local friends tonight we know, and staying with her best mate as her boyfriend left recently.

She says if she feels ok tomorrow she will come over and we can all spend some time together during the day . But I need to return the kids via the contact centre as there is a binding agreement that this has to happen (I agree). But depending on how things go pop back with them later, or visit in the week.

Edit: Came home today to find a letter from Child Maintenance, confirming case closed.

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Last Edit: by surreyhantsdad.

Partner and Children disappeared suddenly 3 months 2 weeks ago #98703

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It all sounds like it’s going in right direction and I’m happy for you!

Please make sure you return the kids on time though, by the sound of it, it won’t be for much longer.

If you are going to try again, I think it’s might be a good idea to look into some couples counselling, there was obviously something fairly serious going on under the surface with her and this needs to be explored together, it has to be dealt with before you can both truly move on... otherwise you could just be storing up more problems that will surface again later.

All the best and thanks for the update.

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

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