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TOPIC: Need some advice from a strangers perspective

Need some advice from a strangers perspective 4 months 2 days ago #100600

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Hi Gents,
I have been with my partner for 19 years we have 2 amazing kids I love more then anything, the problem is a few yrs ago I became infatuated with someone and I’m quite good friends with her,

I have tried everything to ignore this. Distanced myself from her, ignored calls and cancelled plans with other friends if she was there, please understand I haven’t acted on this infatuation I couldn’t do that to my partner and kids
I havnt told a sole it’s just eating at me

Things with my partner have been stale for a while and I have tried everything to try and hold us together, Sex is near on non existent and even convo just doesn’t happen she sits there scrolling through her phone or we just sit in silence watching telly.

I know I probably am not the only person who is going through something like this just wondered if anyone had some advice or I’m looking for someone to tell me what I already know.

Sorry for the essay

Best regards

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Need some advice from a strangers perspective 4 months 2 days ago #100601

Hello LLDad,

You say you, quote, "haven't acted on this infatuation I couldn't do that to my partner and kids." You appear to have made your mind up to not get involved with this other person but the infatuation continues. Do you think the reason for that could be that you and your partner are not communicating with one another?

You mention "sex is near non existent ....." Conversation "just doesn't happen....." Do you think having an open and amiable conversation with your partner to discuss how to bring more excitement into your relationship where both you and she can fulfil each others needs would be of value?

Set aside an evening to talk about how you can make life more interesting for yourselves. Agree to switch the 'phone and television off one evening and have a pleasant evening talking to each other. I think if you can both communicate better and give each other the attention both of you deserve the infatuation you have with the other person will recede into the shadows.
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Last Edit: by MotherofaFather.

Need some advice from a strangers perspective 4 months 2 days ago #100603

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Hey thanks for the reply,

I have recently made several efforts to communicate and talk with my partner, I even booked a hotel one night to get away from familiar surroundings to talk. I havnt mentioned the other woman, one because I don’t know how to bring it up also there’s nothing to tell other I like this person but I still feel so guilty fo just feeing this.

My job involves me travelling a couple days in the week and at weekends I DJ in evenings so I am quite full on, I also fee I am the only one that makes the effort with us and the house.

It just feels like I’m a lodger when I’m there or we are just friends that live together, when I get home the kids are pleased to see me but it feels like she couldn’t care if I’m there or not I have come home with gifts and compliments and just feel nothing is reciprocated, Put the infatuation aside I still think this isn’t working and have no clue how to save our relationship or if she wants to?

(Bit emotional writing that reply) I do care for my partner and I don’t want to end it but I am not sure I am in love with her any more or if she is in love with me.

Thanks again for replying

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Need some advice from a strangers perspective 4 months 2 days ago #100604

just a message from me. You are doing the right thing by not acting on these feelings, if yuo do things will get far far worse. I had an affair, I got found out and it has pretty much ruined my life. I have suffered with terrible mental health, and although I still see my children every weekend, I am riddled with guilt with what I done. That will never leave me.

Looking back at my previous relationship, I was in the same position as you. No sex life, no conversation, just felt like friends. But it took my affair being discovered to realise how much I loved my ex partner. I wish I would of spoken to her about my feelings, and tried some counselling. I am pretty confident that if I had done that, we would still be together now, have a few more kids, and a nice house to live.

My advice would be to talk, and try counselling. Try everything you can. If that doesn't work, then walk away. At least if things don't work out, you can look back and say you tried everything to save your relationship.

Best of luck, and please feel free to message me directly if you wish.
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Need some advice from a strangers perspective 4 months 2 days ago #100605

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Sorry you went through a shit time. Hope your on the road to recovery.

I kind Of feel I am cheating but all i do is think of how this other woman makes me laugh yet we can have a serious convo, been out for dinner with a group and people comment on how great a couple we would make, we are same age and our kids are about the same age as well! I used to be her manager and that’s where it all started, I changed jobs to distance myself. the other day I was at her house to help with a charity event she has booked me for and I took my kids because I didn’t want anything to happen.

If I put myself in a situation where something could happen I wouldn’t forgive myself.

I spoke with my brother last night didn’t go into detail, he said sounds as if we need a trial separation and see how we both are after a couple weeks, if we realise we miss each other then maybe look at sorting ourselves out, if not then maybe a permanent separation. he said he done this with his ex partner and she said she was happier when he left, he and his ex are great friends but that’s all they could ever be.

The thing that bothers me more is the guilt of even thinking of another woman. How can I do that to the mother of my children

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Need some advice from a strangers perspective 4 months 1 day ago #100612

hi,

if you want to patch things up with your partner, then try your best. do something, before one of you just throws in the towel and does a runner. the person made a good suggestion about a trial separation.
yep i know the feeling about other women. its just a distraction.you have children so think twice. i have been there before. going through a rough patch. all the women at work are so nice and friendly. big smiles on their faces. very pretty. and you come home to some miserable cow who may not smile/greet you or look at you lol.
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Last Edit: by Bill337.

Need some advice from a strangers perspective 3 months 2 weeks ago #100822

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So an update, I have spoke with her regarding our relationship, she has been having an affair for the last 5 months she ended it with him 2 weeks ago. I have decided to walk away from the relationship and will see my kids as often as I can, I work 2 jobs will have to give one up tobeable to spend the time with my kids money will be tight but I will have to make do!
Thanks for the help gents

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Need some advice from a strangers perspective 3 months 2 weeks ago #100823

hi LLdad,

i hope it works out well for you and wish you all the best. trust is such a major issue. once thats broken, everything else goes out the window more or less.
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Need some advice from a strangers perspective 3 months 2 weeks ago #100833

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Sorry to hear that LL... I think deep down you must have had an idea something was up, you first posted this thread 2 weeks ago, which is the same time that she was she was finishing the affair.

Breaking up is hard, but you won’t go wrong if you concentrate on the children and putting their needs first.

Best of luck
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

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