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TOPIC: Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings.

Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106865

Hi,

Weve been together for 10years almost and married for 6 of them, i have 2 children aged 3 and 4 months.

4 days ago she told me that she wanted to move out, about 2 weeks ago she suddenly went cold on me, we sat down had a chat, and she explained that shortly after my 2nd daughter was born, she would take on the night feeds. And i would get up with them allowing her to sleep,

One day i had an extremely bad day, i couldnt sleep i was really irritated with work, which led to going to bed, and she woke me up to feed the baby, i couldnt bring myself to wake up and she took this as i didnt care, so from then on she only fed the baby and night waking me up to sort the bottle as she got the baby ready, but over that time shes become more and more critical of me, clothes on the floor, not bringing the washing down, little things, but to her it comes accross as her being a slave to me,

She went to bed at 10pm every night and id stay up until around 12ish.. she took this to mean i didnt care about her because we never had sex (her choice because of anti depressent meds), i wasnt attracted to her, (i am mad about her).

Instead of speaking to me about how she was feeling she had made plans to leave and has a checklist of what she can get Universal credit/CMS/CB etc, what she needs to buy when she moves out, her decision is made and she told me that she doesnt feel like we are a couple anymore, we look after the kids together, we sleep in the same bed, but she doesnt feel like she did, she didnt say she didnt love me, she didnt say she wasnt attracted to me, she just said

"We need to let this settle for a couple of days" and thats the last time we have spoken about it.

Her depression is getting worse and i feel it may have been compounded by PND, and with Covid-19 severely limiting our time apart.

Living 150 mils from her family is also a massive set back.

However by her leaving it means i have to travel 700miles to see my children as ill live in a military base and not a house meaning i have to take them to my parents in order to see them whenever i can.

My mind is all over the place spontanious crying, episodes of extreme sadness and contemplation of a horrible nature,

How do i try to get her back on track when she "hasnt told any of her family"

Her family are very close and it will come as a massive shock to them, but other issues with her family due to close to death with a few of them may also be a catalyst.

I dont want her to leave but i fear that she has already.

She is my world along with my children.

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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106869

hi,

is she on good terms with your family? maybe you can speak to them about it, and also talk to her family to let them know whats going on. perhaps they can reason with her, so she does not make any rash decisions.

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Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer or trained professional. I am not in a position to give legal advice. Please consult a qualified professional for legal advice.

Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106876

Bill337 wrote: hi,

is she on good terms with your family? maybe you can speak to them about it, and also talk to her family to let them know whats going on. perhaps they can reason with her, so she does not make any rash decisions.


Im not particularly close with my own family, living so far away they live their own lives really, her family are extremely close on her dads side, talk alot facetime etc,

But.. shes told them nothing, about wanting to seperate etc, she hasnt said a word and its pointing me more towards PND and further depression on top of what dhe already has, if i talk to her family then it breaks the trust and she will fall deeper into whatever she is in, i cant raid the PND subject with her,

Her sister and brother in law came down yesterday and she was laughing and smiling then she picked her phone and went cold, but then came back laughing and smiling again.

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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106910

DespairingDad wrote: Hi,

Weve been together for 10years almost and married for 6 of them, i have 2 children aged 3 and 4 months.

4 days ago she told me that she wanted to move out, about 2 weeks ago she suddenly went cold on me, we sat down had a chat, and she explained that shortly after my 2nd daughter was born, she would take on the night feeds. And i would get up with them allowing her to sleep,

One day i had an extremely bad day, i couldnt sleep i was really irritated with work, which led to going to bed, and she woke me up to feed the baby, i couldnt bring myself to wake up and she took this as i didnt care, so from then on she only fed the baby and night waking me up to sort the bottle as she got the baby ready, but over that time shes become more and more critical of me, clothes on the floor, not bringing the washing down, little things, but to her it comes accross as her being a slave to me,

She went to bed at 10pm every night and id stay up until around 12ish.. she took this to mean i didnt care about her because we never had sex (her choice because of anti depressent meds), i wasnt attracted to her, (i am mad about her).

Instead of speaking to me about how she was feeling she had made plans to leave and has a checklist of what she can get Universal credit/CMS/CB etc, what she needs to buy when she moves out, her decision is made and she told me that she doesnt feel like we are a couple anymore, we look after the kids together, we sleep in the same bed, but she doesnt feel like she did, she didnt say she didnt love me, she didnt say she wasnt attracted to me, she just said

"We need to let this settle for a couple of days" and thats the last time we have spoken about it.

Her depression is getting worse and i feel it may have been compounded by PND, and with Covid-19 severely limiting our time apart.

Living 150 mils from her family is also a massive set back.

However by her leaving it means i have to travel 700miles to see my children as ill live in a military base and not a house meaning i have to take them to my parents in order to see them whenever i can.

My mind is all over the place spontanious crying, episodes of extreme sadness and contemplation of a horrible nature,

How do i try to get her back on track when she "hasnt told any of her family"

Her family are very close and it will come as a massive shock to them, but other issues with her family due to close to death with a few of them may also be a catalyst.

I dont want her to leave but i fear that she has already.

She is my world along with my children.


One thing you mention - depression. Its screws you're head up, you don't make good decisions, you don't think straight.....

Its possible its this that is causing this reaction from her. I've seen it with my mrs. Its so hard.....

What to do about it? I dunno. Probably give it time until she can see things clearer. Hope she gets better. How long she been depressed? on meds?

They always say don't make any big decisions when you're depressed. But it happens.

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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106924

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will she consider couples counselling? It might possibly help to fix whatever is broken, or possibly help you to accept it if it really can't be fixed, and if that's the cas, it might help you both to work together for the sake of the children.

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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106968

Sorry to hear of your challenges @DesparingDad...

Sounds to me like a case of PND, fuelled by some actions on your part that appear to be making your wife feel uncared for (not helping with that night-time feed, the clothes on the floor, etc).

By the way, you need to be really careful with the mindset of saying things like "clothes on the floor", "not bringing the washing down" etc are only little things. That is clearly your perspective, but your wife sounds like an attention to detail person so, for her things like that are actually quite important, and you'll probably be quite surprised to learn how unimportant she thinks some of the things you value highly, are! It's actually quite a common problem when people don't understand each other and they end up thinking they're just not compatible.

My advice would be to invest a bit of time to understand how she actually thinks, feels and acts... and then make it a priority (especially at this time) to do what it's important for her. We spoke about this particular issue in a recent 15-min webinar we gave on the topic of "Life with different personalities". Check it out here:


Would love to hear your thoughts once you've had a chance to watch.
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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #106975

Thank you all for your comments,

On sunday i had a breakdown and had to walk out of the house, i slept on a cotbed mattress we use for a teepee in the dining room,

I got up the next morning to ensure the children didnt realise i wasnt in bed.

Last night though i couldnt bare it anylonger and i walked out after she spoke to me like i didnt exist all night and went to bed, verge of a second breakdown i went to my friends room and stayed there for the night.

I spoke to Army welfare today, i aired my points, i cried.. ALOT.. i spoke to them about everything and they were incredibly helpful, but now they want me to ask my wife to come in so she can be given the options of what comes next.

However i am struggling to find the words to ask her to go, because if she says no then im continuously stuck in limbo.

I have taken on board everything that has been said on here and im trying to ask her probing questions about different things to allow her to open up, but it doesnt seem to be working and i really dont want to bring up the councilling thing again because shes already flatly refused it once (possible fear) i dont know

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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 5 months 2 weeks ago #107035

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Tell your wife you'd like to try to save the marriage and this is a good way to try to move forward. If she refuses, then you go back to welfare and tll them that, and they can then help you on that basis.

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Wife Told me she wants to seperate and i cant control my feelings. 1 month 3 weeks ago #110057

Hello DD, How are things now ? Have you both managed to speak with someone yet? From reading your initial post and the further threads, it sounds like you both need professional help, in making a way through for you both as far as your relationship is concerned, and for the benefit of your children. PND can be a crippling condition, on top of already diagnosed depression, so your wife needs help. Has she a close girlfriend she could confide in and perhaps go and see someone with? The same for yourself too - do you have someone you can confide in ? I really don't know what else to suggest, as talking about the situation, to me, seems the best starting option. Fegans Parent Support Volunteer

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