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TOPIC: Wife says I'm controlling....

Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106896

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OK today I stupidly made a comment about a birthday card she got me. She said it was because I'm controlling her and admonishing her to make sure she gets it right in future.

It was a really stupid and thoughtless thing to say. BUT I honestly, did not think of it this way.

I'm at a bit of a loss really as to how she thinks this. If you asked me I'd say it was the other way around. I'm pretty easy going and know I have my moments of being a bit paranoid and OTT sometimes but I honestly never thought I was controlling.

I just don't get it to be honest. I asked her to explain and she couldnt really say what it is - just that she feels controlled. One thing she said was my refusal to put stuff in the attic. This one always runs. I say we can't fit any more in there. She says I need to tidy it. I never get around to it.

She says this is me controlling her because she can't tidy the attic and me refusing means I've got control over the situation. Don't get it. Its just me being a bit lazy and having a different opinion on wheter we should cram the attic full surely?

I probably do some things that might be a bit much. BUT if you asked me I'd say it was the other way around if anything. She uses comments, snapiness, and irritability a LOT and I just sit back and ignore it.

I do tend to get a bit funny about things.Maybe. We did have problems with that a few years ago where I did go a bit jealous etc. Wife though is sort of speak first, think later, so some of the things she says do cross the line a little when she thinks its funny and I don't. Shes famous for this - her attitude seems to be "if you dont like what I've got to say then tough". We often disagree - my attitude being, you might think its funny but if you're hurting someones feelings then you need to think first.

Any comments?

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106899

just sounds like every day issues/disagreements in a relationship. you heard the saying, you can't live with them and you can't live without them :p

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106902

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I would say you need to sit down and have a good talk - if you can do it together, then that's ideal - perhaps agree to pick one thing at first and actually do that (for instance, think how she feels about the loft - if its meaning that the house is untidy because stuff can't go away, then she might feel she's being forced to live in a mess). If you can't discuss it easily, then try couples councelling - an objective person might help resolve it.

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106904

"Controlling" is a loaded legal term.

When a partner uses that term it is crossing a line.

Unfortunately some recognise this, and weald it as a weapon. Some do not, and just regurgitate whatever their circle of friends bring up.

I think what you need to do is have a sit down, and explain calmly that you don't tolerate the use of that word, and to discuss what next.

If it doesn't cease, you're better off start your exit strategy. If she's consciously using that word in vein, it's not long until she will throw more serious words that will land you in trouble.

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106908

i only heard those silly terms being used in court, after relationship broke down. its definitely a warning sign if one partner is bringing up those words. maybe their planning something, like doing a runner.

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106911

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Hopefully, we;ve been married over 20 years....

You're not wrong there - I just will never understand it sometimes...

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106912

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actd wrote: I would say you need to sit down and have a good talk - if you can do it together, then that's ideal - perhaps agree to pick one thing at first and actually do that (for instance, think how she feels about the loft - if its meaning that the house is untidy because stuff can't go away, then she might feel she's being forced to live in a mess). If you can't discuss it easily, then try couples councelling - an objective person might help resolve it.


Yeh probably.... Might be a plan

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106913

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flyingember wrote: "Controlling" is a loaded legal term.

When a partner uses that term it is crossing a line.

Unfortunately some recognise this, and weald it as a weapon. Some do not, and just regurgitate whatever their circle of friends bring up.

I think what you need to do is have a sit down, and explain calmly that you don't tolerate the use of that word, and to discuss what next.

If it doesn't cease, you're better off start your exit strategy. If she's consciously using that word in vein, it's not long until she will throw more serious words that will land you in trouble.


Thing is I've been looking this am and googling and I don't do any of the things that are signs. Yeh I'll admit I can probably be a right PITA at times and maybe a bit needy but I've never ever had any intention to control her at all. I honestly cant see I've done any of this controlling stuff.

It just doesn't make sense some of it at all. So she wants me to put stuff up in the attic, I said no its too full up there, she wants me to clear it and I haven't. Surely this is just a standard disagreement here. I thought it was.
But shes saying this is me controlling her because I know she can't get up the attic so by me not going it I'm exerting control. Eh? Doesnt make sense to me......

I don't see how me not doing what she wants is control. Its not right.

I've been a bell end in the past I know that but nothing bad. And yeh the comment about the card was really stupid and inconsiderate. But thats it from me.

One factor. We've both had depression problems in the past. I'm OK but shes having a bad spell at the moment.I do try my best to cut her slack but I do wonder if this is affecting her at all. Honestly, some of the stuff she comes up with is just not right.

And of course, Im sure I'm not the only relationship that is struggling during lockdown.

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106915

if attic is full, can you lot not visit a local rubbish dump to get rid of stuff?

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106918

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Bill337 wrote: if attic is full, can you lot not visit a local rubbish dump to get rid of stuff?


I get you Bill. I should do. I just honestly havent had time..... Sounds like I'm making excuses and I'll admit to being a b it of a lazy dog.

Lazy it is, controlling it aint though surely?

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106920

no its not controlling. controlling would be if you don't let her out the house or talk to her friends, or give her tiny amount of money to live on.


Controlling Behavior: Signs, Causes, and What To Do About It
www.supportiv.com/relationships/controll...ns-causes-what-to-do

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Wife says I'm controlling.... 8 months 3 weeks ago #106921

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Bill337 wrote: no its not controlling. controlling would be if you don't let her out the house or talk to her friends, or give her tiny amount of money to live on.


Controlling Behavior: Signs, Causes, and What To Do About It
www.supportiv.com/relationships/controll...ns-causes-what-to-do


Nah none of that....

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