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TOPIC: Breaking up with a newborn involved

Breaking up with a newborn involved 3 weeks 12 hours ago #107394

  • TP85
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Good evening all, well ill start with my head is completely all over the place and I'm struggling to find my way or where to go from here. Posting on here in the hope I'm not alone with this issue and that there is some form of advice out there.....

Where to start... I met my now girlfriend a little over a year ago, both been single a while and maybe rushed in to start with, she already had a 3 year boy and things started well, after 3 months we moved in together and I noticed that actually living together we wasnt as compatible as id have thought. for me our home never felt like home so I spoke to her about this and that we should look at going our seprate ways. She wanted to give things another try for the sake of her little boy who by now knew me pretty well. I felt as though it wouldnt have worked but for her sake and his sake I agreed. A few weeks pass and nothing changed for me so again I sit down and explain that for me it just doesnt feel right to this time be met with the news that she is pregnant.

Ive never felt soo happy and sad at the same time before but there was no way either of us would want an abortion so we had the baby and I supported her and her boy throughout the pregnancy living together. My little boy is here now and im so happy to have him in my life but my home still does not feel like a home to me, my relationship with my girlfriend has not improved despite giving everything i have i cant make myself feel happy anymore.

I want to support my boy, my girlfriend and her boy via healthy co-parenting and have read a bit about how it can work and benefit some break ups.

Right now im spending a few nights with a friend as things are getting worse and heated at home. I dont now where to go from here. I want a healthy relationship with my boy without the failing relationship im in. Is there any light at the end of this long dark tunnel? has anyone been here before and got through the other side sucessfully?

Am I a sad excuse of a father for not being there with my boy throughout this?
Is it naive to think that getting out of the relationship will enable me to be a happier, healthier and better father?
Will i still get that bond with my boy?

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Last Edit: by TP85. Reason: Current thoughts added.....

Breaking up with a newborn involved 2 weeks 6 days ago #107396

You'll be more of a sorry father forcing yourself into an unhappy relationship, and failing everyone around you including him.

Life is too short - you only get it once.

Try and reach an amicable solution - find somewhere else to live and establish a new status quo. Try to establish a routine of you seeing the son regularly but make clear boundaries with his mother.

Things may turn south, at which point consider a C100.
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Breaking up with a newborn involved 2 weeks 6 days ago #107408

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It does sound a bit of a sticky one to deal with. You should still be able to bond with your boy whether you are in a relationship with his mother or not since, as he develops, he will have a completely distinct and separate relationship with you. As he's still so young, spending time with him without his mother being present may be quite limited, but should increase with time.

I would say try to think about the position your girlfriend (ex?) is in / facing. She has recently given birth, and is now facing being a single mum again, which can't be easy. It sounds like she hoped to have a big happy family set-up. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship you believe isn't working or likely to ever work, and to try to do so with this belief sounds like a recipe for unhappiness.

You have remained in the picture, and are talking about wanting to be there for both boys, as well as develop a good co-parenting relationship with their mother, so make it clear to her she's not on her own, even though you may not be together. Hopefully, she will see this - if not now, then when the ground has settled a bit for her, as I imagine she may be feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, which may express itself in anger, which might require some patience and tongue-biting on your part.

At this stage of the game, your son's main focus will most likely be on his mum anyway (breast feeding etc). So I don't think missing a few days at this point in time is letting him down. I wouldn't worry too much whether you'll bond - that comes with time also, particularly if you remain in the picture.

You could try to come to an agreement of getting to see your son for a few hours several times a week, and offer to spend time with the older boy too, as it seems you and he have already bonded.

As has been said, if the situation becomes impossible to negotiate and you are not getting viable time with your son to develop a good relationship, then mediation could be entered into, and if that isn't successful, then proceed on to court. Hopefully, you'll both be able to put the interests of the children first, and come to a workable arrangement.
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Last Edit: by Toks.

Breaking up with a newborn involved 2 weeks 4 days ago #107447

Hello TP85, Thank you for sharing. I haven't been in your situation myself, but I wanted to just encourage you in saying, that I think you have a good attitude and you should definitely keep working on the premise of being able to co-parent. Try to keep all communication open and positive between yourself and your babies mum, this will then enable you both to discuss access etc. You are not a "sad excuse of a father " because you clearly would like to make things work between mum and yourself. Are you able to spend some time having counselling for yourself to chat it all through with someone from outside the situation? Your baby will always know his dad, if you are able to work together to make this happen. I wish you well, Kind Regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer.

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Breaking up with a newborn involved 2 weeks 4 days ago #107454

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Hi, thanks for your response, I’m trying to keep positive and working my hardest to open communication with my ex in a positive way focused on how to move forward in the best interest of our boy. Right now I’m being met with hostility from her which is ok I guess as this is hurting us both so this is maybe her process for the current situation. This had lead to no positive communication so far but I’m giving her some space as she requested this and hopefully soon she is able to talk about how to move forward.
She told me she thinks I need therapy that I’m mentally ill because I left her and our boy. I’m not sure why she has said this, I’m upset right now now, confused as much as she is because I was unable to find happiness in our relationship. I don’t feel manually unwell but would you feel it if you was?
I’m seeking counselling as an oppose to therapy as I believe this would help me focus my emotions and strengths into a positive future with my boy and my ex’s if she allowed it in time. I have actually booked a session yet but I will do.
Right now I’m just feeling the guilt of hurting her so much that it has turned her bitter and hateful towards me, I don’t think there is any danger of her stopping me seeing my boy, but on the off chance I’ve started to read about what steps to take and support to seek through the website and other resources.

Again thanks for the reply it’s much appreciated to see support and people reaching out.

Tony

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