TOPIC: Wife says it’s over

Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #108999

Hi

Child abduction is no good in the long term. You care about your son.. if you take him away it is likely courts will demand his return but you could also be arrested etc (Hague Convention I believe it is), however you also increase the risk of your son rejecting you when he is older because you took him away from his mother. You might get him to yourself for a little while but you could lose him for life if he rejects you when he is older.

To me it sounds like you may be trying to punish her for making this decision and not trying to work on and fix things. However your focus should be on what's best for your son. With her not rushing things and being amicable you could actually come out of this situation in a great position.

However you can only achieve this if you focus on what is important and have a clear plan about what you want and how things will work once you separate.

I also like what has already been suggested that maybe you move into the spare room and both to take some time out and revisit the situation.

Separating, getting divorced, losing home, not having friends and family nearby is very difficult and you have to manage your mental health too so you can see things clearly and make the right decisions.. maybe go and see your GP or a counsellor if you are struggling to process what life will be like after you separate. (I had a mental health break down!)..

Good luck...

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #109009

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I know you’re all right about taking him. I’m just angry and want to punish her.

So where do I stand if she wants me to move out? Obviously I don’t want to. Firstly I could never afford to rent or buy on my income.

I know I’m being stubborn but I just don’t want to give in and give her anything she wants because she’s already decided she’s had enough and isn’t willing to try to fix things.

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #109012

if she wants you to move out, you can refuse, or say you can't afford to move out. if she wants you out, she could take actions like apply to court for an occupation order, where the court decides who stays in the house. maybe you can tell her to look at getting the house sold/buy you out. if she's not interested, then you could take the legal route to get things moving.

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #109014

Hi

Re staying or moving out, many on here would suggest that you do not move out until you have an agreement with your wife on the way forward. However if the decision has been made to separate and you decide to live there you should have clear boundaries etc.. eg you have your own lives etc... In my opinion whilst some advocate for this it is risky living together as ive heard of many cases where this leads to false allegations of domestic violence just to get one party out. Then it is too difficult to withdraw allegations etc.

I know you mention renting and affordability however if she buys you out then would a lump sum keep you renting comfortably alongside a salary? (I don't know your circumstances etc)..

I know you said you'd prefer house sale but think of your son, he needs stability.

Personally I think you need time out to think and so spare room for a while would be better.

If you believe there is no way that she will agree to fix things then forcing matters could have unintended consequences which you don't want.

A lot of fathers on here all wish that we could have resolved things amicably, gone our separate ways and have 50:50 contact with our kids.. Whatever you do just don't jeopardise the fact that she is willing to be amicable. If you read through this forum you will see that the courts often favour mothers so avoid court as much as possible.

Thanks

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #109015

You are right, you do not have to move out, but It could work for you. If you are struggling financially, ask her if you can stop paying towards the house for now, obviously help financially for your kid, but right now, you need to focus on yourself, as selfish as that sounds, it is for the best. I am sure your ex will be supported by housing benefit, universal credit etc as she will be living alone, so she will not be without. Do not pressure her, woman can be very stubborn too, for now, except it is over, stay the loving father you already are and you never know what might happen. Just do not do anything that may upset your kid or even make you stop seeing him all together.

I know its difficult, but stay calm, focus on sorting yourself out and stay in the kids life. As a father who is fighting day in day out to see my two kids, I would much rather be in your position than the one I am in now, and believe me, I have gone through the mill and been punished for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I had to see a therapist o help with m anxiety and stress, they gave me some really helpful tips and advice, one of which was, be selfish, look after yourself, get yourself in a position that benefits you and your kids. I got a new job, i got my own house to rent, but I still do not see my kids unless it has been supervised, i am hoping that will change very very soon.

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #109018

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Thanks for the advice guys. I guess I’m just too stubborn for my own good.

I don’t want to lose contact and you’re all right, she’s being amicable if very blunt about how she’s feeling. It’s not what I want to hear but she’s not being nasty or difficult.

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 1 week ago #109019

I have known cases where couples have amicably separated and kept in each others lives due to children and have gotten back together again. (not saying that would happen in your case but keeping things amicable is so important).

Stay positive.

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 5 days ago #109067

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There’s been a development now.

She says my behaviour over the last 6-8 weeks while all of this has been going on has been bullying and that I’m trying to emotionally abuse her by treating her like crap and being so difficult.

She says I obviously have no intention of being amicable and dealing with this reasonably and so she has an appointment with a family law solicitor tomorrow and that she’s going to seek an occupation order to get me out of the house.

I can’t afford legal advice. Half way through the month and I don’t even know how I’ll be able to eat after next week.

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 5 days ago #109068

good afternoon,sir.i tend to think she have a lover if finally decided kick u out and they work togeter in same job.its not a reason to panic,coz u already in panic mode.but if she didnt any drastic steps such as fake raports to police,your family still have small chance to be kept.back to your country all 3 now.immediatelly

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 5 days ago #109069

Hi

Not sure id agree with the previous poster..

However it is clear she has made the moves we all suggested she might.

Are you currently working? If you do have to move out even on a temp basis pending occupation order hearing what is your plan? These are things you need to think about. Can you book into cheap Air B&B? Sofa surf? If you are not working would she be willing to provide some financial support so that you can support yourself?

Things are never as bad as you may feel they are. However it is imperative that you keep calm and cool. Do not have any explosive episodes even if she presses all the right buttons and trust me she will know exactly what to say or do to fire up the situation.

However if you do explode then you will give her the evidence she needs not only secure an occupation order but also a non molestation order (restraining order) which will make it difficult for you to see your child.

It is right now that you need maximum clarity and focus. She has you on the back foot and will not be expecting you to strategically make all the right moves.

Take some time out and think about your next steps. You have to start to consider and come to terms with the fact that your relationship is over and secure your own future.

As soon as your ex goes to see
a solicitor they will plan Occupation Order, possibly a Non Molestation Order, a divorce , a better financial settlement for her and reduce your contact with your child, her solicitor may even say that she needs to consider whether you have become too volatile as a result of the relationship breaking down and whether in the interim you should even see your child.

Solicitors will give advice that drags cases out so that they continue earning fees. Including putting it into your exes head around emotional and financial abuse, controlling behaviour etc. If any of these things stick then in essence that is domestic abuse and trying to see your child will become difficult.

Again do not kidnap your child and go abroad, if your child is returned then you will probabky never see them again.

I know we al, give you lots to think about but there is no easy solution. A relationship breakdown is one of the most difficult things anyone can go through.

Last of all if you struggle with your mental health then go and see your GP, but do not tell her you have done this (or tell anyone other than a trusted party) as otherwise it can be used to say you are mentally unstable and shouldn't see your child.

Good luck..

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 5 days ago #109070

yeah,pal,i agree that u dint agree with me,but we talk not about local citizens divorce,its emigrants showdowns,where they always struggle with life understanding in another country,they dont know what is it non-molestation orders,i dont talk about more bad things like bail even.in most cases this is cruel and very fast deal with husband,friend or just dad of them both children.this is preceded by several years of life in this country and i have never heard that the initiator of the divorce was a man.your sincerely,lucky single dad of 2children

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Wife says it’s over 2 months 5 days ago #109071

I get what you are saying John re immigration, however in this case the ex is willing to be amicable and resolve things based on what poster originally advised.

I've been arrested, I've been on bail, my ex issued me with an occupation order and a non molestation order. I've been convicted and nearly went to prison so I know about all these aspects and trust me when I say most fathers wish they could just go back in time and arrange an amicable separation, regular contact, child maintenance paid and move on with life without all the crap our exes send our way.

Best

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