You are seeing a counsellor - it's going to take quite a long time as you've been through this for 15 years, so you are bound to blame yourself, even when it is patently not your fault. I would suggest to get a cheap mobile and tell your ex you've change your number and give her the new phone number. That way you can get control back of your existing phone, and turn your cheap mobile on occasionally when it suits you.
I,m back again. Still in a bad place.Although we hardly speak, my partner has now resorted to screaming down the phone at me, knowing I'm not coming back.
The last 2 phone calls we had. Her threatening to come up to my mums very angry, I said keep away or I will call the police. Next call, she tells me to keep away from her and my daughter or she will call the police.... and the army! I then don't hear from my daughter all weekend, she normally texts me for a lift Sunday morning. She was probably made to make her own way by her mum.
Anyway, a pattern is emerging. My daughter never replies to any of my texts asking how she is etc. The only time she contacts me is when she needs a lift home from a private tuition lesson after school, a place that is hard to travel from on public transport.On these occasions my daughter only replies yes or no to any questions ask about friends, school etc. I have told her she can speak to me in confidence if she has anything on her mind. I get nothing in reply.
In the meantime, rather than continue with a counsellor, I went to Relate and explained my situation. The lady within 20 mins said I have been controlled and verbally abused for many years. She said I need to form a bond with my daughter very quickly. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get my daughter to open up. I feel that she has forgotten the several occasions where she came to me with her concerns about her mums behaviour. I feel like giving up. I feel like it may be better to leave my daughter alone and just respond to her requests for a lift. It is soul destroying. I haven't even got to the point where I send my partner a legal letter saying I will pay the mortgage and bills in the house until our daughter finishes education. I also want to put in the letter that I should be able to see my daughter in a social manner rather than just a taxi. I feel her mum has told her she is allowed a lift from me but that's it.
Living with someone you've allowed to abuse you over many years takes it's toll. I fear my daughter is trying to protect herself by having minimum communication with me to pacify her mother.
I also called her school to remind them that I want to be involved in school matters even though me and her mum have seperated. I did not go into much detail but let the school know my daughter has witnessed many unsavoury scenes over the years which no child should witness. My daughter has a mentor at school and the teacher did say to me that my daughter had discussed home issues before. I don't want to cause problems at her school as she is so close to becoming an adult. My daughter has probably worked out her own way of dealing with what has gone on. I just seem to be going from pillar to post for help.
Hi Paul
As you have pinpointed, the abuse you suffered for 15+ years can't be worked through any time soon, it's a slow process unfortunately and it's important that you recognise that to help your daughter, you must first get yourself to a better place.
As you acknowledge, your daughter is almost an adult and I'm sure she has worked out her own way of coping with her situation, she has the support of the school, her mentor and her friends, although I completely understand that you worry for her, try to concentrate on your own needs for now.
It might be helpful for you to go to your GP and ask for some short term help with your depression, I think what you describe about your thoughts on waking and not wanting to wake up sometimes, do indicate that you may be clinically depresssed and a short course of anti depressants might help you to get through how you're feeling right now.
Personally I wouldn't abandon counselling, but it might help if you explain that it isn't helpful to include too much conversation about your ex's problems, as your issues are partly to do with the fact that the abuse she heaped upon you for so long has conditioned you to feel guilty and part of your recovery is to try and stop being a victim.
All the best
Moving along very slowly after 8 months. Nothing major has come up mainly because I am keeping my distance and keeping up the non contact. I still only get to see my daughter when I pick her up for a lesson on a Wednesday and drop her off somewhere on a Friday. Her mother is still firmly in control.
I would like to ask for an opinion here. My daughter has her GCSE's for the next few weeks beginning today. I asked her several weeks ago if she would like a lift to school on the days where exams are early. I would change my work shift to suit. When I reminded her last night she replied that she was fine and wouldn't want a lift. For normal school days she would get a lift with her friend but this won't work during exams as they sitting different subjects.
A while after my text my ex called me to ask why I was interfering. She said that I give my daughter a lift twice a week and if i need to do anything else I should go through her. She said that she has (allowed ) me and my mum access but we are now pushing it by going direct to my daughter. My daughter is nearly 17 and shouldn't have to go through this. Although she won't say, I know, like many other friends and relatives, she is scared of her mum .She wouldn't do anything to aggravate her.
I just thought the lift may help a little instead of a 40 min journey to school I would get her there in 10 mins. My ex has said she can go on the bus. My daughter may well want to take the bus but the choice has been taken away from her. Now my mother is saying to me that I should have drafted a solicitors letter demanding so much access a week without any animosity from my partner. This has caused friction with my mother as my opinion is, my daughter is nearly 17. If I get more access after contacting a solicitor, this will make life hard for my daughter. She would still feel uneasy seeing me knowing her mother will still be angry. My opinion is that I should just let nature take its course until my daughter is 18. However a part of me says that I will lose any kind of bond with her if I let my ex dictate when I can see my daughter. She hasn't actually said I cant see her but has made it clear I'm lucky to see her when I do, which is for about 20 mins a week.
What should I be doing because I just don't know what to do for the best?
At this age, your daughter can do exactly what she wants, and the courts wouldn't be interested, so a solictor is not required at all. Really, it's for you and your daughter to find a way that suits you both the best. Don't forget, she will have friends as well, and it may be that the bus journey is a time she can spend with her friends before school. Just make sure she knows that she can ask you for help at any time, and don't pressure her - you could ask her if she minds you occasionally offering extra time with her, and take it from there.
I guess I just have to swallow it then. Six weeks after my daughters exams and I’ve seen her 4 times for a lift. She’s gone off to Italy for 10 days with a school friend and her parents who I’ve never met. My partner met the mother on the day she dropped our daughter off, only speaking on the phone once before. My ex called me the day before to they went to arrange a meet between me and my daughter in a coffee shop. This is where my daughter told me she was going away. I’m really happy that she’s getting a break but really upset that I get less than a days notice. I never even got the chance to get some euros for her.
My mum has been on standby all year for my daughter and dropped everything to give her a lift anytime, anywhere. My daughter never calls her and didn’t let her know she was going away. As said in my previous post, this has caused friction at my mums. She’s really upset. She puts a lot of money away each month for all her grandchildren but she is now saying what’s the point if all we are is a mini cab service. She then hassles me saying I should do more to see my daughter My relate councillor also said the same. As each day goes by my daughter can see my ex being upset and has put the abusive behaviour of the past well and truly at the back ex of her mind. I don’t blame her for that to protect her own sanity.
This leaves me at a point where I don’t care anymore. I’ve nearly given up. I’ve been asked by my daughter to pick her up at Stansted next Monday at midnight. I will probably not hear from until then. And will only be contacted again when she wants a lift. My ex has told me she’s will feel much better if I let her know when I text my daughter about anything other than a lift. Example. When my ex arranged for me and my daughter to meet a 5.30 on Wednesday before her trip, I realised on the day I could make it an hour earlier which suited my daughter. So, I called my daughter direct and said do you want to meet an hour earlier. She said yes. I thought her mum was at work but she was actually at home. 30 mins later I get a call from the ex shouting and saying if I need to change arrangements or speak to my daughter I need to go through her unless it’s the usual arranged lifts. My daughter is nearly 17 ! Is this bullying, intimidation? Is it even against the law to make me go through her to speak to a 16 year old?
My ex has also changed tact and said she accepts that I don’t want to be there but has never acknowledged the abusive and is totally oblivious to her behaviour. She has said she will always keep me informed if they need help but at the same time is dictating when and how I can see my daughter. She completely get my mum out of the picture if she could.
I’m really sorry I keep updating this post but I’m so messed up I just don’t know what to do.
........and as I was typing the last message my daughter sent me a picture of where she was. I had sent her a text asking if she got there ok and to send a pic. She sent a pic with no text at all. I then replied it looked nice and could she send a pic to her Nan as well. Within 5 minutes my ex called me, again shouting saying I was going behind her back being sneaky asking for my daughter to send a picture to my mum. My daughter had obviously contacted the ex straight away. Now I’m in a position where I can’t tell my mum what has happened as it will really upset her.
we ended the call by me being passive, apologising and agreeing not to send a text like that again. I also told her I may as well cut all ties and move away from everyone. She accused me of being selfish.
She also said my daughter loved her Nan but she is only 16 and that 16 year olds don’t think about adults etc when they are having a good time.
I think she is using my daughter to control everything around her. All I want to do is be there for my daughter and maybe just get a tiny bit more than being a taxi.
Hi there
I can completely understand where you're coming from, your ex is displaying extreme controlling and coercive behaviour... I feel sorry for your daughter, but it sounds as if she is indoctrinated, she didn't have to call your ex to tell her about your request... it's strange behaviour.
As you know, your daughters age precludes your ability to take action on her behalf, so it's really difficult to advice you on how to improve the situation.
The fact that she can still control you, call you and shout and make unreasonable demands and you respond passively and apologise, when you have nothing to apologise for... I think that needs to change if you are to regain any ground. I understand that may be difficult for you, but by refusing to play ball you are taking back some control. On a personal level you may find that empowers you to take more of a stand against her.
All the best
Thanks for replying Mojo.
People think that after a year I must be getting over this. What they don't realize is people like my ex just crank the abuse up until it becomes unbearable.. Its just as tough today as it was 5 months ago. In fact it's worse in a way because she has been able to influence my daughter without any interference. It helps that you can see and actually say it really IS abusive, coercive, controlling behaviour. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes trying to justify my ex's behaviour and blaming myself.
When I pick my daughter up next week, do you think it would be wrong of me to tell my daughter I wont be sending her anymore texts. I want to explain that I will always be there for her but cannot have her mum look over everything we may discuss. If she needs a lift or needs me for anything then she must text or call me. i don't want to give her mum any excuse to call me unless it's for stuff we have to deal with together such as the house.
I really want to ask her if she has to report every message to her mum, I doubt if she would give me an honest answer purely out of fear. She's such a lovely girl and doesn't deserve this. I fear she will end up like her mum. I may have said before, the councellor has said my daughter will have a very high chance of suffering from depression in the near future due to this.
Thanks
You’re welcome, I can see how much this is affecting you, and how much it could affect your daughter and your relationship with her in the future.
I think it’s reasonable to be open with her, she’s old enough to talk to on a fairly grown up level, perhaps she needs to hear about your reality and how you have been affected.
I also think you can ask her why she feels that she has to report back to her mother, I would also tell her how incredibly hurt her grandmother is by her lack of contact... she’s certainly old enough to understand that.
I’d just be honest with her, explain how difficult and toxic the relationship between you and her mother is and express your concerns for her being in the middle of it all... tell her that you love her and will always be available should she ever need you, but in future you will wait for her to contact you.
Please don’t blame yourself, but do take back some control by refusing to be her whipping board any more. If she phones and becomes abusive state that you’re not prepared to put up with her abuse any longer and hang up.
You could email/write to her and tell her that you’re not prepared to be the brunt of her abuse any longer, that if she wishes to contact you about matters concerning the house she can text you, but you will no longer be available to take phone calls from her.
I think being pro active will help you feel better about your situation... it may also help your daughter see that it’s possible to break away from her mother, if you can do it then it may show her that there’s a different way too.
Best of luck
Hi all, just another update.
I’ve given it another few months to let my daughter work things out for herself, letting her decide when she wants to call or text me. Well, nothing has got any better. Christmas has come and gone without a call or text. I have continued to give her a lift on a Friday night to her club but that’s it. 10 mins a week in school term.
I now have no choice but to ask her if she is afraid of her mothers reaction if she finds out if she calls me or can she really not be bothered. She tells me nothing such as exam results unless I ask her in that ten minute window. It’s soul destroying. Putting up with verbal abuse for so long while trying to normalise things in front of my daughter has taken its toll. I feel like there’s nothing to live for. Everyday I wake up and the situation is the very first thing I think off. People say that at 17 my daughter will be acting like a teenager who just doesn’t care and not to worry but this isn’t normal. Not texting or calling your dad for 14 months unless she is replying or asking for her Friday lift.
I feel like giving her the choice that if she really isn’t that bothered anymore then I won’t keep calling. It’s actuall becoming humiliating getting my ten minutes with her. She never starts a conversation but only answers some questions. Remember this is the girl who wanted out when she was ten and told me at 14 her mother used to scream and slap her. Is she now punishing me or has she been completely brainwashed or just emotionally confused. I’ve tried to explain before how painful this was for me and that the kind of abuse we witnessed was not normal but she didn’t want to discuss it.
Any thoughts please?
I’ve still gone non contact with her mother as the thought of her shouting makes me feel physically sick.
Just read through all your posts, I think it went wrong with your daughter from when she was ten and came to you wanting out. You knew what your ex was like you knew it was [censored] so how must it felt to a child and for the child to muster the courage to confide in you and tell you that she wants out of her mothers life? You should have whipped your daughter into your arms and ran. Lose the house lose the money live in the streets and protect your daughter would have been the right thing to do your daughter would have been happy her dad protecting her its what daughters need. Before I read your posts I'd replied to another post were iv rambled on about parent child relationships and how girls seem to be closer to dad's due to protective reasons etc I ramble on but I hope someone reads the [censored] I right and it helps them and hopefully it'll stop something like this that's happened to you, it's heart breaking hearing about you and what you've been through but forget you you've got this daughter you pale into insignificance when it comes to how heartbroken about how I feel for her.
You left her in that life for years after she told you. You saved yourself and got out but really didn't save yourself you've still lived in [censored] for years and so has she. When you both could have been hapy
But that's in the past now and sorry if I sound harsh it's just upsetting.
You somehow need to apologise to your daughter say your sorry you wernt thinking straight and you should have listened to her and got her out. Maybe someone else in here could tell you how to say it in a more eloquent wa
y. And take it from there.
I do understand its not easy I was with a lunatic, it wasn't too bad wen daughter was younger cos I'd take the [censored] cos I wanted to see my daughter. I was even going to leave my daughter and move abroad with my wife and kids to get away from the ex thinking if I'm gone and she can't control me she'd be ok and move on and my daughter wouldnt have to carry on seeing her mum going crazy. Like remove the beer from the alcoholic. Luckily i never got to leave cos while it was being planned the ex was still going crazy and the moment happened were my daughter showed she understood what's going on and she wasn't happy. she was nine I put things in place to eventually get her mum out of our life. She's not seen her mum since April 2018..
Ps:have you asked your daughter if she wants to move in with you at your mums? Or even say to her pack your bags im sorry iv not done it sooner I'm a idiot but ur moving in with me...be the dad she needs and wants. I'd give you a big friendly hug if i could its so sad.