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TOPIC: What next?

What next? 7 years 2 weeks ago #14175

  • nelly
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My partner and I have two daughters: 1 is 18 months the other is 5. Despite my best endeavours to hold our family together she has this week, hit me the bombshell that she wants us to separate.

The house we live in is in her name. I've been paying all the bills for 6 years while she was a house mum. I also paid a large amount from the mortgage following the sale of my own house, when I moved in with her.

This week I'll be making the very sad steps of house hunting. :(

I just need to get some advise if this is my best course of action. Do I lose any rights etc if I leave the house?

My head is all over the place at the moment, so would appreciate any help in moving forward. Thanks

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Re: What next? 7 years 2 weeks ago #14177

  • actd
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Hi

The first question is do you think there is any chance at all of saving the relationship - you obviously would like to, is there any chance she will go to see Relate to see if there is a way forward?

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Re: What next? 7 years 1 week ago #14197

Hi Nelly,

I'm sure your head is all over the place, I remember when I made the decision to leave my ex and the impact that had on me, and it was my decision to leave. So to be told it's all over must be a whole lot worse.

In the weeks to come your emotions will be all over the place and I'm sure you will experience each and every emotion, the best advice I can give is to talk about them and how you feel and what's on your mind, do that with a friend or on here we will all listen and try and talk about how to go about handling things.

As actd has asked can the relationship between saved?

Legally I would imagine that even if you leave as you have a financial stake in the house your stake will remain, though I don't know enough about the legal side to know for sure. You would need to consult a solicitor to find out for sure, most solicitors will given hour for free, they will generally try to steer the conversation to gain the information they need but you can generally get a few questions answered too.

Have you discussed when you will see your children yet?

Keep us posted as to how things are going

Darren

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I'm not a legal proffesional and don't have any legal experience other than going through court myself. but offer my experience to help others

Re: What next? 7 years 1 week ago #14199

Sorry to hear about this, friend, but you're not the first and won't be the last, so, if you can, take some comfort knowing that others have managed to move on and have happy lives with good relationships with his/her kids and exes.

As for your questions, well, they have largely been covered already. However, without knowing fine details it's hard to give more specific advice, though I will try my best.

My first suggestion would be to not leave the house fully until you are both sure there is nothing to be done to save the relationship. If you immediately start house hunting, that gives the signal that you have given up, you don't want that. What you need is to talk to your partner about the situation and find if there is any chance of a reconciliation, either alone or by going to counselling. Couples having troubles is not uncommon, far from it, and many of them find it difficult to adjust, but the problems always boil down to one thing, communication. That is not to say that every problem can be fixed and that every relationship can be saved, but often, the difference between a happy and unhappy relationship can be the presence or lack of good communication.

Call your partner, tell her you want to talk about the situation, and agree a time where you can do that, uninterrupted, maybe by having a friend or relative look after the children whilst you talk if at all possible.
When you are finally talking, it is important to remember that there is a reason or reasons why this has happened, and it will be because, for some reason, your partner is unhappy. That is not to say it is all your fault, not at all, but right now, when you finally talk, you need to ask her to be open and honest about everything, and to listen to what she has to say without interrupting or getting angry. Anger is likely to happen during this, so it's important you keep it in check as anger only breeds more anger, and what you need right now is reason and positive communication.
Listen to what she has to say, take it on board, then offer your opinions on the subject, do it calmly and politely. Ask her to grant you the same freedom to speak as you allowed her, as this means you will both have had time to speak completely, and to be heard. Bad communication usually stems from one or both partner(s) not paying attention to the other. There is every chance your partner has been upset about something for a while and you've never noticed because you haven't listened to her or paid enough attention when she needed it. Again, not to say this IS the case, it's just an example.

Bottom line is to get talking, respect each other, listen to what each other has to say before speaking and most of all remember that you are not in this to win an argument or defend yourself against everything she says, you're in this to learn about what is upsetting your partner to see if you can find a way to fix it and move on. It CAN happen, you just need to be patient and respectful toward one another, and give each other time and attention to set you on the way.

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Re: What next? 7 years 1 week ago #14204

I think Grummy makes some really valid points and has given some good advice with regards talking things through with your partner, Clearly this will all boil down to her actually wanting to talk in the first place (I know my current partner never wants to talk to me when we argue, she will listen only, which is very frustrating) however if you can get her to talk and explain the reasons why she wants to end the relationship, you may be able to resolve things.

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