Hey all, my name's Steve, I've got no problem with letting people know that, and I hope nobody feels awkward for knowing it outright (I know some forums don't like people revealing personal details-but my first name is all you're getting, my bank details stay with me). If there is regular around here you all know as steve, then by all means feel free to call me Grummy (or do so anyway if you like-I really don't mind).
I'm not a parent yet, but I have been with my partner for about 8 years now (female, I just feel it demeans her and our relationship by calling her my girlfriend, so I never do), and family is on the cards. For one reason or another we haven't been ready so far (although we would have been delighted had one snuck up on us), and we prefer to be prepared rather than not.
My main reason for joining is because I am beginning to feel a strong urge toward parenthood finally, stronger than ever before, so I'm positioning myself in readiness, and being a part of a forum like this is a great start I think, it gives me a place to share thoughts and concerns with other fathers who perhaps can relate to any fears or anxieties, and can share in my good and bad stories.
A bit about me so you know what to expect, well, I'm a very intelligent man, mostly, certainly no genius, but I have a capacity to understand almost anything people tell me quickly, and I have an instinct for how people work. Whilst individuals can be unique, people as a demographic tend to fall into certain paths, and I have an ability to understand that. It has proven to give me a natural affinity for counselling and psychology, and I have a particular interest in criminology, anthropology and child psychology. I haven't studied any of these as of yet, mainly because whilst I'm a smart guy, I loathe academics, I hated school and I hate studying, and my one previous foray into university bored me to death for 3 years, however I have recently been revisiting the idea. If I could stomach doing the work for the diploma, I could be very successful, but whether I do remains to be seen.
In terms of forum activity, this all means that I'll tend to be quite forthcoming, and I tend towards sizeable posts that require a cup of tea and a spare half hour to get through. I like to consider as many sides of an argument before drawing my own conclusions, hence why, when I post, I tend to state my case, then present my reasons why I think so, and argue against any perceived arguments I may disagree with in advance. Yes, sometimes it really is as tiring as it sounds. I hope, though, that it means people will respect my opinions on the subject of parenting without first hand skill. I am certainly looking forward to the times when my perceptions don't match up to people's experiences, or my considered arguments are based to much in perfect world scenarios and not enough in real life. My affinity for child psychology has led me to read up on the subject to increase my knowledge base, but it is all theory from books, not practical knowledge. So whilst I may have a lot to say, I'm always aware that theory doesn't hold up. I just hope that at times people on here will be willing to listen to someone well studied in the theory, as sometimes the theory may have great ideas and insight. Either way, it should be interesting.
To be fair, despite being long winded, all this doesn't sound like much, I expect there to be others here who are similar, but you'd be surprised how many people I mix with day to day in real life and in internet forums who can't grasp points I find simple and are too narrow minded to consider alternative points of view. Which is why I've taken the time to give some details about how I think and act. I hope you'll all come to understand that I always consider other points of view and respect anything anyone has to say if done in a respectful manner.
Reading that, I know it sounds incredibly arrogant and patronizing both, and I apologize for that, but there is no politer way of saying what I wanted to say, so being blunt about it serves its purpose.
In me you have a smart, well read young man who has an affinity for psychology, I'll argue a lot, but do it with informed and respectful posts, and I'll respect the points of anyone who makes them respectfully, giving them their due diligence, even if I don't agree.
I hope my little introduction was helpful and that you will all welcome me into the family.
It's a pleasure to have you aboard. I myself am a woman but we, my husband and I, joined this forum as he is having difficulties with being allowed to be involved in his son's life. We both post on here under this username but I end my posts with my name.
I too have a keen interest in counselling, psychology and criminology. It's a breath of fresh air to have you on board with your views and you're right theories can hold great ideas and insight, things you may miss when you're bogged down with the day-to-day reality of a situation. I can see us having some great debates on here.
Once again welcome to the forum, I sincerely hope that you only ever need it for the reason you gave for joining and not all the bad stuff that so often leads people here.
It's good to know there is someone else here with similar interests as mine, at least then someone will know I'm not blowing hot air
I did read up on your situation yesterday whilst I was here, and I must admit it both angered and upset me in equal measure. As someone who has an interest in the workings of the minds of people, it disheartens me when I hear/read about such situations. Yes the situations themselves are saddening and I fell badly for your hubster, but it is what these kind of senseless acts signify for people as a whole. I fear for the child in someways, as children learn through familiarity, and being raised in an environment of lies and deceit that his ex has created is not a healthy environment in which to raise a child. That of course is not to say the child will be raised as a tyrant, but being raised in a home where lies and deceit are the norm is sure to have a negative effect on the child's development. It disappoints me that social workers and courts often don't consider such factors because they are not tangible factors, and yet, people who study such development in children and the family unit are fully aware of how this works.
As much as I want to see you and your husband happy in this, and for you to get a positive outcome for yourselves, I most of all hope and pray that this is settled for the benefit of the child. No child should be away from either parent, and no amount of mind games to turn the child against said parent will ever benefit the child, indeed such games can and will lead to further difficulties. How, after all, does it benefit a child to think his/her mother/father doesn't love them or want to see them anymore? In my book it is passive child abuse, abusing them emotionally and mentally. Children are simple creatures, they love with their whole being, that only really starts to change when they hit puberty and hormones kick into overdrive, if someone tells their child that the other parent doesn't love them over and over....I don't think people realise just how badly it can affect a child. A broken heart is a real emotional issue, and it hurts for everyone, for a child who doesn't have the experience or maturity to deal with such things, it can destroy them. Sure, kids can be strong as well, they can and will recover, but not without consequences. Yeah, in my book, what your hubster's ex is doing is tantamount to child abuse.
And wow, I am so sorry to go off on one like that, really. I hope I didn't make you feel bad with my brain splurge, it was fairly dramatic.
In truth, despite my concern for the kid, I DO expect your hubster to be granted access, which will fix any issues there may be. The important thing then is to never say anything bad about his ex to the child, and any questions the child has about their relationship should be rose tinted. Start to badmouth each other, and the whole situation breaks down, stay civil, and the child has a better environment in which to live.
Disclaimer: Apologies if I sound patronizing, putting my thoughts down in writing is not exactly my best skill.
Anyway, thanks again for the welcome, I look forward to hearing more (hopefully good) news about your situation.
Thank you for your input Steve it is much appreciated.
Believe me I am both angered and upset in equal measure also. Angered because I don't know how any mother could do that to her child/children and upset for the hubs because I can't do anything physically to take his pain away. The thing is, I know a lot of single mums whose ex partners are not up to par on where they should be concerning their childrens' welfare and I also have two close friends that suffered domestic violence at the hands of their childrens' dads and they don't even behave this way. What I'm trying to say is had she been in a similar situation I could understand her actions. There is no history of any abuse, physical/psychological or otherwise - although in her last few emails she did try to make out like there had been but was also careful to make it clear that there was no physical element involved (so not too many questions are asked in that department if you ask me) - so there is no reason, other than selfish, to act in the manner that she has been and continues to behave. I have also worked with abused women and find it despicable that anyone who hasn't been in that kind of situation would lie about it for their own gains.
It's interesting because just a few weeks ago I used that exact phrase 'tantamount to child abuse' in a facebook status I wrote whilst venting and trying to drum up support for a petition to change the law on equal parenting! I truly believe that what women like that do is a form child abuse. I too am a simple creature in the fact that, although I've been burned in the past, I will always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and take them at face value. This is not to say I'm naive by any means, I just expect that people will be telling me the truth but can usually tell if they're not being totally honest. Obviously I get caught out sometimes but I will not let that turn me into a distrustful person who has a gripe with the world, in the long run that hurts nobody but me really and I believe that there is more good than bad in the world.
Don't worry, I've been around enough little people in my time to know what their ears need to hear and more importantly what they don't. I'm also well practiced at diverting childrens attention elsewhere. I really do hope hubby has a positive outcome to this situation, I'm glad you have a belief this will happen (sometimes we read info that scares us). I'm just looking forward to the day when I actually get to meet the little fella.