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TOPIC: only half the battle won

only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63816

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I got the court order and see my daughter every other weekend and a few hrs in between.....this was less than i wanted but the thought of waiting another 6 months for the hearing made me agree to it.

Perhaps I was right to agree because the 3 months we had been separated have had negative effect on her..she is tearful at times and seems less confident. Prior to the ex stopping contact we had a child that seemed very happy although she was aware we were not together any more she was never fretful about spending time with each of us. Now after 3 months separated from my little girl, she asks for mummy a lot when i am looking after her and i wonder if the mother is saying things to her so that my time with her is marred by this.

She is only 3 so I hope it will pass but I want any advice to know how to handle this situation. Its as if the mother has been successful in demeaning my role in my childs life even though I have contact.

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only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63819

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Hi there

I think it's early days Gian , she's still very young and like all small children she is probably picking up on the anxiety around her, from her mother and maybe from you too.

Her whole world has been turned upside down and it will take time for her to find her place in it again.

Plenty of reassurance and love and encouraging her to talk about her feelings, it's natural for her to feel sad and until she gets used to the new situation she is bound to be fretful. Maybe you left one day when she wasn't there and she may be afraid that her Mummy might do the same. When she asks for her mummy perhaps suggest that you draw a picture for her to take home. Keeping her busy and distracting her with lots of fun activities should help and there are many good children's books on parents separating available. You could read the books with your child and talk about it, discussing how the story in the book is similar to your own situation.

Children are very resilient and I'm sure with patience, understanding and lots of love things will improve.

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63825

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Thank you for that sound advice. I have tried talking to her but is she old enough to understand? It is hard to tell what a chid can understand at that age......i said she was 3 for increased anonymity but in fact she is only 2 and a half......

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only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63826

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...obviously keep the conversation age appropriate and talk in simple terms. At her age it's more about letting her validate her feelings and allowing her to grieve for what was. Theres nothing wrong with letting her know that you too are sad that things have changed, but that mummy and daddy still love her and that will never change. By sitting with her to make mummy a card you are doing much more than distracting her, you are showing her that its ok to love both parents and allaying any loyalty conflict she may be feeling.

As long as you dont allow your own anxiety in to your relationship with her, using the story books that she can relate to in her own situation and lots of fun,distracting activities and maintaining a routine that she can rely on. things should get better.

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63827

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That is very much appreciated !!
Thanks

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only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63828

Hello Gian, What you initially wrote is virtually a carbon copy of the situation my Son has been in with his daughter (same age as yours) albeit she never asks for her Mother but was wary for the first few minutes at handover when my Son had her. She had also lost some of the skills my Son had taught her and was not outward going as she had previously been. Now in contact with Daddy again she has returned to her old self.

We are not as far down the road with contact as you are and have an Ex from hell to have to tolerate, using the children as pawns ect.

As a family we are great believers in a lot of LOVE both in saying "Daddy loves you, " having lots of cuddles, sitting on your knee reading a story. Showing love is a continuous thing which needs to be shown throughout the whole day.

TIME is another important thing, always have time to listen and respond to her, kindly with a soft spoken voice and in a happy manner. Toddlers will lead, it is for you to notice what she wants to do or say At her age, I believe questions she may put to you need a reply in the simplest of terms. At this age once you start to explain something they will most likely spot a toy in the corner, walk off to fetch it and not concern themselves with the reply, in such a case leave it and go on to the next thing she is interested in.

FUN and the opportunity to EXPLORE. You can have so much fun at very little expense when she is with you. Such as literally jumping in puddles if raining. When warm, picnic outside, Make a tent with a couple of old bed sheets hanging from the washing line. Buy a butterfly net, catch and look at the insects and butterflies. Buy the little stickers and play chase with them, you put some on her then she on you. Take her to a garden centre where they invariable have pets, show her them all, engage in conversation all the time "which one do you like? Let her see you laugh and smile!

Buy her food treats NOT sweets or chocolate but grapes, blueberries some kind of fruit or other food that is healthy.

There was a lot of birthdays in the family at the beginning of the year now my granddaughter expects when she comes that it is some ones birthday so we have to make a cake before she comes (you can always buy one), we stick a candle in and sing Happy Birthday. Last visit was the duck's birthday (we saw that at the garden centre), the time before was the mouse in the garden.

Just to finish show you are happy all the time she is with you, she will get confidence and security from this

If she does something which is dangerous or naughty, get down to her level, look her in the eye and tell her firmly she must not do that because (give her an explanation why).
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only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63834

Try not to worry it is still early days I know how you feel as exactly the same happened to me I didn't see my daughter for 10 long months she is only 19 months old now so it was a massive chunk out of her life I didn't see her.

It was hard to accept but my girl didn't know me from adam as she had been constantly with her mum it's been 9 months since I first saw her again at the contact centre when she absolutely screamed the place down when hand overs took place all though I have my girl every weekend fri-sun the screams seem to get louder and louder every time I pick her up she goes absolutely mental and doesn't want to come with me 9 months on it is hard but as soon as mums out of sight she calms down and is fine the whole of the weekend.

Up until about 6 weeks ago my girl would always call for her mum the whole weekend and walk to my front door wanting me to take her home it was so disheartening then when I did drop her off once I drove up her mums street she was jumping for joy and seemed so excited it gutted me as she wasn't and still isn't like that when I pick her up it's tough.

I found as NJ and MOF has suggested distraction is the best way forward and calving out a set routine and try and make your time together as fun as possible.

If you can find a little common ground with the ex that should improve things as well since I've been chatting to my ex on pick up and drop offs it does seem to put my girl at ease when she sees us together I had a really rough 4 weekends with my girl but I just stuck in there and this and last weekend have been great my girl still kicked off when I picked her up but my ex has said she has been talking about me constantly for the past 2 weeks so I think she is getting really comfortable with me now it all just takes time.

Good luck with it all

Slim ;)
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63835

What's your relationship like with the ex now? are you on speaking terms?

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63836

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Not really, it is difficult after what she has put me through, I have always been civil with her, it is she who cannot act maturely so what can i do..... I can't change her attitude

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only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63842

Me too I have always been civil with my ex and she has always been the bitch from hell for about 2 years since she told me she was pregnant I too simply can't forgive her for what she has done and I can honestly say I hated her it's one of the hardest things I have ever done sort of putting my feelings towards her to one side for the sake of our daughter.

In a way I feel like I have got my own back as she is regretting everything now and the way she has gone on there is a sense of relief that I can hold my head high knowing I have always done best for our daughter with no regrets.

A child is always going to be happier with both parents working together for their sake and it's defo worth a try on keeping civil with the ex even if you get nothing in return sooner or later they will come round it too takes time.

Now that the court case is out the way and theres no cause for conflict hopefully she will start playing ball a little more.

I thought my ex would never change her attitude she really was stubborn as hell but I found by me changing my attitude towards her made hers change towards me I must admit I had to swallow a truck load of pride and did nice things for her through gritted teeth some people said it was crawling but all I had in the back of my mind is that I was doing it for our girl.

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63845

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Great stuff Mr Slim I know you are right. I will do the same for my daughter and hope it works :}

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only half the battle won 5 years 5 months ago #63846

It's worth a try for sure actually being a Father hasn't been an issue for me it's repairing the damage my ex has inflicted on me and my girls relationship and changing my attitude towards the ex thats been difficult

All has turned out good though as I have my Girl loads more than I would have ever expected little things like making her a card from our daughter for mothers day went down well, lending her cash when she's skint, looking after our daughter when she is ill has just greased the wheels a little.

Like I said I haven't forgiven her I don't ever think I will but I will forget for our daughters sake and I haven't wanted to punch her in the face for the past 4 weeks so things are defo looking up lol :)
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)
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