TOPIC: HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL

HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68822

Hi, everyone, im roughly 30 years of age and i always wanted to be a father..
Still do, but the ex is making it difficult.
Ive been through hell with the person, i havent got many friends, she has a 7 year old from a previous relationship and lost a child a few years back.
She takes drugs, smokes weed and drinks beer everyday, takes other drugs recreationally, i never do drugs anymore, havent for years.
Thought i could save someone that reminded me of what i used to be like.
I put up with violence from her and verbal putdowns, she'd always threaten me with her friends and family, she has lots of friends. None too savoury.
But i now have a 10 week old baby boy with her, i doubted paternity at first because of her promiscuous nature, but had a 'Peace of Mind' DNA test done and he's mine.
She wont put me on Birth Certificate and registered him without putting me on it, she says that i can go on it and see him when i like but that means going to see her and meet her in her area, i really dont want to do that.
She wants me back in the relationship. I dont want to be in it.
My mum isnt talking to me now because she got emotionally involved with my son for a bit, but now my ex is calling all the shots after i allowed her to treat me like dirt.
I left because i dont want my son seeing his dad treated like s.hit as he grows up.
Im now on antidepressants and am getting counseling as of next week.
Ive got legal aid and my solicitor has sent her two letters and assures me that i'll get on the birth certificate.
He is trying to get me 3 hours 3 times a week with my son at a public location.
But, ive been told that sometimes the aid wont extend when and if it goes to court..???
All this is destroying me physiologically, im falling apart...
Im trying to pick myself up and stay strong but i feel sick inside.
Sometimes i think of just ending it all..
I went to the gym today and am gonna try and do the best things to help my self esteem and coping ability, but, sometimes it all gets too much.
I want a relationship with him, but ive seen how she treats the 7 yr olds father, i know its not gonna be good.
And when i see him without her around, sometimes it brings back all the negative of me and her, and our relationship.
Its my fault for being naive and getting her pregnant, funny thing is that we planned it.
She's about the same age btw and a complete headcase
Believe what you will.
Anyway...just thought id say hi...

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HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68825

  • Mojo
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Hi here and welcome to the forum

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment, it's good that you are getting help for your depression and I'm sure that counselling will help too.

In England Legal Aid has been stopped for family law cases, so I'm wondering if you are in Scotland, where legal aid is still available. Try not to worry about what might or might not happen, just take things a day at a time.....the gym is a good idea, try and eat regularly and get plenty of rest....looking after the basics will help you to cope.

Try not to blame yourself, your little boy is here now and he needs you to be strong for him. It's always much harder to get used to being a father when things are difficult with the mother, but it will get better.

It might be a good idea to try and patch things up with your mum, a bunch of flowers, a sorry and a hug goes a long way.

Talking helps, we're a friendly bunch and there's usually some around to chat to. :)
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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Last Edit: by Mojo.

HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68841

Hi and Welcome,
.
As Mojo has said, don't blame yourself, I always think that you can't change the past but you can alter your future, you are getting help, which is good, I'm sure counselling will help, and hopefully you can address the issues you have over the way your ex treated you which I'm sure is causing a lot of these issues.
.
Again as said the gym is a great way to let off steam, and you will feel better about yourself too which is always a great help.
.
We are all happy to listen and answer any questions you have so please post and feel free to ask anything.
.
How are you feeling today?
.
GTTS
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HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68842

Not sure, still feel like im in a daze tbh, i left her 5 weeks ago and was with her for 17 months.
I think the antidepressants are doing something, im coping better. I went to a community course today and will go to the gym in a minute.
But its always on my mind, i cannot seem to distract myself or step out of this daze.
I go to counseling on monday, so i hope they can do something. Victim Support want to help me, as i said i have no friends, she has lots and put me in very difficult and sometimes harrowing situations, sometimes things can be more one way than another...and not always men towards women.
I feel awful, emasculated and in distress.
But what else can i do but look after myself, i dont want her to win and for my life to spiral because of her.
Were all different ppl at different points in our lives, but, she's a different sort of person than me, its hard to describe.
My confidence is low and i keep waking up hoping to feel good, hasnt happened yet, but i suppose i am feeling a bit better.
I have never hit a woman in my life, im 6ft 2, shes 5ft 4, if i wanted to, i could have...but i wasnt raised that way and thats why i suppose i ended up the recipient of this type of crap, plus having no friends didnt help. She intimidated me, and so did her network.
I know nobody, especially other blokes will believe what im saying utterly, but im not lying.
Whats the point in me being here anymore??!!
Ive lost a son forever, i dont feel like a dad even though i know i am.
Im not doing my job as a dad because of her.
Its upset my family, i didnt see that coming.
I had to leave, if id have stayed, i probably would have ended my life even sooner.
Im just gonna take it day to day and see if anything good ever happens.
What comforts me is that we all die one day, so why hurry it. Might as well wait it out and see if anything good happens.

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HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68843

Btw, to you both, thanks for the responses.
I keep rereading them when i get really low.
Clutching at straws, but thats how bad its got.

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HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68844

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...you are feeling low aren't you, but it's a good sign that you feel a little better today, antidepressants take a little while to kick in and once you start the counselling that will help too. You are a daddy now and that's one of the most important jobs going, it won't always be like this and as your son gets older and you get things sorted out you will realise how much he needs you.....and what pleasure he will bring your way.

Everyone makes wrong choices at some point and it can take time to move forward, but it will happen and you will feel better. Despite how you have been feeling, you recognised that you needed help and went and got it, that takes strength of mind and I think you are much more capable than you give yourself credit for.

It's early days, 5 weeks is no time at all and what you've managed to do in that short space of time is to be commended....positive things will flow from the actions you are taking now. Friends and a social life will follow I'm sure.

For now you have got us to chat to and we will help and support you all we can. We don't judge and we certainly do understand that men can be victims too, in fact it's a lot more common than you think unfortunately. Please don't blame yourself for the actions of another...the best answer to give to her is to get yourself back on your feet and reclaiming your life to the full...x

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68845

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There will be others along soon to share their experiences with you I'm sure...hang on in there Stam...x

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68855

Hey mate and welcome to the forum :)

First and foremost get the idea of ending it all out of your head, you haven't lost your son at all and you sound like your a top bloke and are an amazing dad.

If you did something silly that will screw your sons life up he will feel like you took the easy way out and abandoned him and no one deserves that.

It might seem extreme but please give the Samaritans a call when you feel like that they are absolutely fantastic they somehow make you see the wood for the trees.

I'm saying all this as I was in exactly the same boat as you and my ex treated me exactly the same as your ex is you, I was about to commit suicide over it all and a call to the Samaritans helped me no end I phoned them 5-6 times last year when things got really bad.

I had a melt down at work and told one of my workmates I was wanting to kill myself and he gave me the biggest bollocking I've ever had and he told me to shape up and start the fight to be part of my childs life, the day after I found this site and went for it.

THIS CAN AND WILL BE SORTED OUT TRUST ME!!! :)

I went to the doctors and they prescribed me anti depressants which I hated they made me feel 10x worse, I went for a second opinion and this doctor said you're not depressed you've just got an absolute nut job pregnant I then decided to follow the advice off people on this site.

I started eating properly I started exercising and getting myself out and about a bit more I started my hobby of dj'ing again then I found I was sleeping better.

My ex had a serious problem with drink and she beat the living hell out of her other daughter and I had to sit there and watch it as if I said anything she'd stop me from seeing my daughter I like you had to draw a line in the sand and get out of there, her constant put downs and constant phone calls texts and email kept sending me over the edge and I found the best solution was to cut her off completely I changed my number and email ect It was such a relief not to have all the abuse and I could concentrate on getting my head together and start the fight to sort myself out and fight for my daughter through the courts.

Cutting her off was hard as I couldn't see my daughter and find out how she was doing my daughter was 10 weeks old at the time but looking back I'm so pleased I cut Mum off else I honestly wouldn't be here now.

You've got the ball rolling by seeing a solicitor don't worry if you don't have one for court as you can represent yourself which is a lot quicker, less stressful and quite empowering.

As I said this can and will be sorted out it's been 18 months since I was in your boat and now the ex has finally calmed down not been a bitch for the last 8 months and I see my daughter every weekend from fri - sunday.

Stick in there man, keep your chin up and keep posting :)

Slim :)
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68859

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Hi stamina and welcome

I'd echo what's been said above. Definitely give the Samaritans a call, that might give you a boost and it costs nothing, so what do you have to lose by trying.

There will be bad times, and sometimes it will seem like it's getting worse and you are going backwards, but life does sometimes throw these things at us, and if you put it down to experience and keep moving forwards, there will definitely be more positives to help you get past the low spots.
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HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68861

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Hi and welcome

I too echo everyone else's words. The fact that you have joined a gym, are about to start counselling and taking antidepressants are all positives that will help you.

It is early days yet and things will start to look better and settle eventually.

Keep posting, there is usually someone around to talk to and we will try to help.


Take care
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I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68905

Hi,
.
I'm glad you are finding comfort in what we write, we are here to help, many of us have been where you are now and I speak from experience that when you are feeling low, it feels like it will never get any better, but it does, it takes time and effort, but you are already taking the right steps to lift yourself.
.
Why don't you look for some groups that you can go along to make some friends, have a look at a website called "meetup" I know it sounds dodgy and like some kind of one night stand sort of thing, but it's actually a site that groups can advertise local meets for pretty much all interests, there is also an app available for it, have a look through see if anything takes your fancy and you can list on there that you will attend, there is normally a little chat linked to the meets so you can introduce yourself so your not going in completely cold. I use this for motorcycle rides as lots get posted up and you just decide if you want to attend
.
Hope your feeling better again today
.
GTTS
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HELLO EVERYONE - IN TURMOIL 3 years 6 months ago #68908

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That's a great suggestion GTTS....I think I'll take a look myself!

Like GTTS I hope you continue to feel a little better each day, it would be great if you could drop by and let us know how things are, but no pressure. :)
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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Last Edit: by Mojo.