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TOPIC: Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids

Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97684

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Hi all.

So I split with my ex around October 2017 and I started seeing my new partner late December 17/ early January 18.

I have had my twin boys who are 6 every weekend since the split apart from 1 Friday. I will get them on a Friday from school and drop them off at 7 on a Sunday, at 8 if they don’t have school the Monday. I also take off time from work whenever they are off school, of my last years allowansce I had 1 day off for myself... all other holidays were booked off for the kids. Although she is still not happy with that, despite the fact that she doesn’t work. And wants us to split the holidays equally... I only got 4 weeks holiday and I’m sure they have 11/12 weeks off school... and she doesn’t work.

She’s been very unreasonable whenever I ask for 1 or 2 days to myself and I say I will swap and have the boys couple days during the week so I can have the weekend, never goes down well. Hell opened up when I had a concert to go to which fell on a Friday, told her I would be back to pick boys up early hours Saturday morning and would book the Monday off work to have them aswel. All I got was messages of how I don’t care about my kids, how I don’t love them, how I chose a concert (which I don’t select the day the band plays!) over my kids. She never comprises with anything. I get told I HAVE to use all my holidays for work to have time off with the boys, I HAVEto book the days off that she tells me otherwise it’s the same message as above of how much I don’t care.

Either way now she has an issue with my new partner who I’ve been with for 14/15 months now so it’s not like it’s a girlfriend I’ve not long been with or someone that I don’t see a future with. Over the last couple months I have slowly introduced her and the boys so they can get to know each other a little bit and become more comfortable with each other, rather than going full in here this is my kids this is my new girlfriend, and I think it has gone very well. Quite regularly the boys will ask where she is and if she’s coming down because they want to play games with her or do some drawing / colouring in with her, so they do like her, likewise her with them.

I have asked the boys if they like her, if they are ok with her being with us during the day, if they are ok with her coming out on days out with us and if they are ok with her staying over. To which they answered yes to every question. So I’m speaking with the boys to make sure they are ok and comfortable and not forcing anything on them.

Last weekend was the first time she has stayed while the boys have been here, everything was fine, she stayed over, we went on a day out the Saturday, stayed in and played games the Sunday, she even went the shops and the boys were constantly asking me to phone her to see how long she would be because they wanted her back to play! The ex found out and all hell broke loose.

Started saying I will never see my kids again. Calling my partner all kinds of words I won’t put on here. Then started telling me to make a choice, my new girlfriend or the kids I can only choose one. I told her to speak to the boys if they were ok with my new partner to which they answered yes to the same questions I put above, until she stuck a camera in their face to recorded them and what I think is asked them over and over until they gave an answer that she wanted which was no.

My question (sorry for the rant) is... can she tell me I can’t have my new partner staying over here (and soon possibly moving in) when the boys are here ? I have spoken with my kids who say they are ok with everything, they like her and are ok with her staying. What can she do? What can I do?

Like I said, it’s not a new girlfriend who I’ve been with for couple weeks, I have slowly introduced them to each other, I have spoken with the boys at every step if they were ok with everything which they have said yes and by how often they ask for her when she’s not here I think it’s safe to say that they do like her.

I want to avoid going through the whole court way but I’m honestly really tired and I’m at breaking point now. I’m trying to get on with my life and I worry that my new partner may not be willing to wait much longer. Financially we are struggling as I am paying for house for myself and the boys, and she is paying for a flat which she only stays at 2 days a week while I have the boys. I’m worried this could break it all.

Again, sorry for the rant. Would love to hear any help you can give me.

Thanks

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Last Edit: by BobTy. Reason: Added

Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97696

  • actd
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The short answer is that you have to be prepared to go to court, as they are the only ones who can order your ex to allow contact. However, you would need to try mediation first, and hopefully your ex will realise that it's best to come to an agreement rather than go through court.

Take a look at www.nfm.org.uk
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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97717

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Just as a side note. Try and communicate with your ex about this in text or email format so that if you do end up in court you will have evidence of her reasons for messing about with the contact.

If the mother chooses to stop contact, without a court order, she can. Simple but hugely unfair I know.

Personally I would start mediation sooner rather than later as these things have a habit of snowballing very quickly.

I am surprised she doesn't want the children some of the weekends for some quality time?!

With regard to your holidays - she can't force you to take specific dates. If you do end up in court, they won't allow her to control and micro manage you like that!
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I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97730

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Thanks for your responses.

Trust me I have every text / voicemail saved where she has threatened me not seeing the kids if I didn’t have my new partner, telling me to pick my partner or kids or never see kids again.

I don’t want to go down that route but I feel like I have no choice as she doesn’t give me any give. Anytime I ask to swap a day for weekend so I can do something it’s always no and ‘you don’t care about your kids you don’t love them your choosing you s**g over your own kids’ ... it’s truly pathetic as when I got with her she already had 2 kids from previous relationship and I was at her house when kids where around, taking them out, buying them things... so basically everything she’s telling me I ‘cant’ do... is what I done when I got with her...now the shoe is on the other foot she doesn’t like it.

I will try again this weekend to speak and sort something out... if that fails I’m afraid I’ll have no choice.

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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97734

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Hi there

You are absolutely entitled to some leisure time that doesn’t include your children, I get that you put them first, but we all need some kid free time too!

She is using emotional blackmail to get her own way, it’s a way to control you and it does need to stop, the only way to do that is to make a stand.

I agree with Yoda, don’t leave it too long as the situation will only escalate... she isn’t going to relinquish control easily.

All the best
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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97746

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Yeah thanks.

I know this needs to stop because if I keep giving in to her demands they will never end.

I’ve spoken with my boys again about my new partner and if they like her, are ok with her here during day, going out with us, staying over... both say yes... except one of my boys now saying no to staying over... funny how last few weeks it’s always been a yes and now after recent arguement with her it now a no.

I won’t let her rule my life. Will be speaking with her Sunday after I drop them off, by text so have everything there, and if nothing can be done or agreed then will have to go further.

If I did go to court over this... realistically what’s the chances the court would allow me to have my partner staying with me? Like I’ve said, the boys like her and are fine with here being here... it’s all just her. I don’t wanna have to go through all of that and end up coming out and her ‘winning’ in essence and my partner not being able to be here when boys are here as I’m worried that would break us.

Thanks for your help.

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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97753

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I think the problem here is that your children feel loyalty to you both, they love you both and being in the middle like this is bound to effect them.

I have to be honest, I’ve known cases where the court will go along with the mothers requests for a partner not to be involved, but that’s not to say that will happen with you, there’s just no way of second guessing the result I’m afraid and there are no guarantees. However you do have the communications that show how controlling and coercive she has been.

You have the option to move forward with your plans to live together, let her stop contact and then go through mediation, and if that fails, make the application for a Child Arrangements Order.

It either that or leaving the status quo as it is and starting the process of mediation, to see if you can’t get her to see sense, as act and Yoda suggest.

It’s not going to be easy, and as usual with controlling ex’s, it’s likely to get worse...when she sees she is losing control, she is likely to fight back and use the children as a weapon.

Best of luck
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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97756

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Thanks again.

I don’t like any of this and just wish we can sort it out between us but it’s either her way or no way.

I hate the way she is using them as weapons against me as they are going to see everything going on and it effect them and that’s the last thing I want to do.

But me and my partner have been together over a year and want to live together, would help our relationship as I fee bad for her every Friday has to pack up 2 bags to go to her flat where she will live for 2 days, packs bags back up again and come back on the Sunday... it’s not fair. And the fact the boys like her and are ok with her being here again shows that she’s putting what she feels before the boys. And again the financial difference for living together is a lot better than the way we currently are living.

Thanks again and just hoping the next conversation after I drop them off goes well with the ex although I can’t see it.

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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 1 week ago #97760

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You're right, it's not fair to put your life with your girlfriend on hold, you also need quality time with her on some weekends, without the children being involved.

Going to court is such a strain, if it were me I would consider getting moved in together and settled before taking that step. Your ex obviously enjoys her time off fromthe boys, otherwise she wouldn't be so insistent that you have them every weekend... you might find that if she stops contact, it might not last for long... she may have cut her nose off to spite her face and regret it... let's hope so.

All the best

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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 4 days ago #97817

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Well as expected it never went well.

Threatened me with never seeing boys again if my new partner was with me.

Told her I was fed up, tired and done with it all. Said I don’t care how much it’s going to cost me I will just go through court, and by making me do that all she would be doing is taking money away from the boys and dragging them through everything.

Kept messaging and messaging me to which I kept replying ‘I’m done and not talking about this with you anymore. You want to talk about this situation just go through my solictor’ I kept replying with that every time she tried talking about that situation... I think she started to worry as I wasn’t doing as she wished and eventually gave in and said I can keep having them as I currently am doing.

Still not all done though, I’ve asked for copy of birth certificates to open up bank accounts for them to transfer money every month and to give them when 18... and she won’t give me them to do that... says she doesn’t trust me with the birth certificates !! Like I could do something really bad with them! Haha thanks for all your comments.

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Ex telling me my new partner can’t be at the house with kids 5 months 4 days ago #97821

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I think that's a result though!

You can always apply for the children's birth certificates, so that you have your own copy.

All the best

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