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TOPIC: Leaving my child

Leaving my child 5 months 3 days ago #98346

Hi everyone. I am writing in desperation really, I know some of you might think what I am doing is wrong but I have reached the end of my tether. My daughter is eleven. My ex and myself spilt up 6 years ago and we have had a difficult relationship. She has been very controlling and has had no qualms about using my daughter to get to me. She has told my daughter many times how bad I am and has tried to tell me how I should behave with respect to my daughter and the rest of my family. She does not respect my boundaries and feels able to comment negatively on every aspect of my life. Four years ago I met someone else and we have had a good relationship. We now live together and have been very happy. Previously my daughter got on well with my partner. My daughter often said she did not want to be with her mother but then often said she did not want to be with me either (my counsellor has said this is common when a child finds she can play on off against the other). My child also thought she could speak to me like her mother did which was often a cause of tension both between myself and my partner and myself and my daughter. I have tried to set boundaries for my ex's behaviour such as asking her to communictae via email so my daughter would not hear how she spoke to me but she constantly overstepped them.
About eight months ago my daughter was being particularly rude so I shouted at her and told her to get in the cr and I was taking her home. We didn't obviously and we made up, everything was fine. We had a day together the next weekend and I have not seen her since.
My ex initially accused me of 'emotional abuse' and said she would fight me for access. We have been through the courts and my ex accepted mediation. I have had no contact with my daughter although I continued to send cards, presents etc.
We have had one session of mediation when my ex refused to be in the same room as me although she told the mediator she was keen for my daughter to have contact ( I don't actually believe this as she could have encouraged it at any time). My daughter is now scheduled to see the mediator.
In the meantime my ex has met someone and is moving away (although she has not told me this). My daughter has also cut off contact with my parents who saw her a lot and sent me a text saying she does not want to see me.
The problem now is that after four years of constant fighting my partner has had enough and our relationship is under threat. I too have had enough. I don't want to force my daughter to see me and I don't want the constant battles with my ex. I have had to seek professional mental health help for the toll it has taken on me. Many of my friends say now is the time to walk away and let my daughter come back when she is ready. It is not as though she is very young and wants to see me.
For the sake of my relationship (which has been the only light in my life) and my health I don't feel I can pursue this any more. I know there is a huge amount of opinion out there saying the child always comes first but at what point do you have to take a step back and put yourself first.
Incidentally, I know there is an element of parental alienation at play here. I have spoke to CAFCASS who have said in court that as neither parent has any concerns about the parenting of the other then they are not involved. Basically, my ex can forever tell everyone she is trying but will never stop trying to destroy me.
Please do not judge me, this is the hardest decision I have ever had to take and I cry every day at the thought of it but my child's parent would happily see me destroyed and if I continue down this path I will end up with a small amount of time with my daughter whilst losing everything else I have worked for. I honestly feel I need some time to rest and get well. Many people have said if I maintain indirect contact eventually my daughter will come round and not to force it. Has anyone else been in this situation?

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Leaving my child 5 months 3 days ago #98366

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Hi

We don't judge on here, every case is different, and whilst we would always encourage you to maintain contact with your daughter, there does come a stage where you can't do any more, and you have to put your own needs first otherwise you will end up in a very bad place. My personal opinion (and it is only that) is to agree with your friends - keep sending birthday cards etc, and perhaps send letters sometimes (keep copies of all of these - your ex may not pass them on, and when your daughter is older and wants to re-establish contact, you can show that you tried to keep in touch), but you need to get your life back into the semblance of order.
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Leaving my child 5 months 3 days ago #98367

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Hi there

Be assured that we don’t judge here, the decision you’re making hasn’t been reached easily and you have tried for the last 6 years to make it work.

If your mental health and your relationship are at risk and your daughter is cutting ties with you and her grandparents, maybe it’s time for you to reevaluate and put your own needs first for a while... as you said, it doesn’t have to be forever.

In a few years your daughter may decide to try and rekindle your relationship, I would make sure the door is left open for her to do so, I wouldn’t cut all ties, keep in touch by letters and cards, but don’t expect a reply.

We have had others that have had to take a break for their own sanity and also for the sake of the child stuck in the middle and being manipulated... as you say, there may be an element of alienation going on.

My advice is to be kind to yourself and concentrate on getting yourself well and rebuilding your relationship... it’s a slow process, but when you’re stronger things may seem a little easier to deal with.

All the best
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Leaving my child 5 months 1 day ago #98388

Thank you both for your replies. It has not been an easy decision but I have decided it is for the best. Sometimes you have to let go, work on yourself and make sure you are in the best shape for when you are needed. I am certain she will come back some day and that is when I have to be mentally most able to be with her.
Thank you again

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Leaving my child 5 months 1 day ago #98397

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It’s so sad that it’s come to this, but try not to beat yourself up about it. Be kind to yourself and concentrate on you and your partner.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Leaving my child 4 months 4 weeks ago #98412

kramer stay strong. its natural for kids to go looking for their parents, even out of curiosity.

i know someone who had a wife beater dad. after the mess and family break up, several years passed and this person went and seeked out her dad and it was nothing hostile, but out of genuine affection.

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