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TOPIC: My life is a mess thanks to women's aid

My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 1 month 1 day ago #98383

My marriage is a mess.
The basic story: It started at the beginning of December when I was arrested for an allegation made by my 17yo step daughter. I was highly addicted to cannabis and was being an emotional abuser to my wife and couldn’t see it due to the drugs. After I was removed from the family home my wife and I were still communicating and she saw us having a future together. I can’t remember the alleged incident happening and that made me realise I had to quit. I immediately quit the cannabis and have never looked back. I’m going to counselling, getting qualifications to go back to work and really putting in the effort that my wife deserves from me. She wanted to forget the past and we were working on our marriage and future, This lasted for over 3 months, She originally agreed to marriage counselling and I was having access to my children with her twice a week. Then she started to go to women’s aid and completely changed. She stopped me messaging her on their advice and changed my access with my children to be with my mother. She also changed her mind about counselling. She then had me arrested for harassment but said it was women’s aid that did it. I was released without charge as she had started contact with me on many occasions. I was still seeing my children with my mother. I felt as though my wife was being told what to do by women’s aid so went and asked her to file for a divorce and to start mediation regarding the children if that’s what she wanted. She got upset and I was again arrested for harassment and must appear in court. This has caused the access to my children to be stopped and we went to family court, something that for the first 3 months my wife repeatedly said she would never do. Every time I asked my wife what she wanted to happen with our future she said that “they” wouldn’t let us be together and has never admitted to me that it is her that doesn’t want us to be together. Due to my bail conditions I can’t talk to my wife and find out the truth. I feel that women’s aid has been a negative influence on my wife and have ended our 13 year marriage based on the things my wife has told them happened in the past and are not taking in to account the fact that we were moving forward and that I have changed and continue to do everything to better myself and work on our marriage. They deemed my over emotional contact (i cry a lot) with my wife as harassment and drove a wedge between us. They have constantly kept bringing up the past that me and my wife were trying so hard to put behind us. I admit I was a mess for the last 18 months of our marriage and my wife had started to forgive me for it until they got involved. I don’t see a way forward as long as they have such an influence over the decisions my wife is making. If she just said to me that it was her that wanted to end everything then I could deal with it. But for over 3 months that was not the case. I feel stuck and wish there was a way for me and my wife to just sit down together and discuss what we both really want.

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My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 1 month 17 hours ago #98391

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Hi there

I don’t understand why she would decide to go to women’s aid after working at your relationship for 3 months... that’s just heartless, giving you false hope instead of being honest with you.

If you were arrested for harassment, it was your wife that did that, she may have been encouraged to do it by women’s aid, but the act of doing it was hers.

It’s such a pity that you decided to contact her again after the first attempt at getting a harassment order against you, if you had posted here we would have advised strongly against further contact with her, as we recognise the pattern here. It would be in your best interests to stop contacting her, as hard as that may be... you have been ordered not to and for your own sake you must comply.

I think deep down you know the truth, your wife doesn’t have the guts to tell you that she doesn’t want to continue with your marriage, but really the truth is pretty clear... It’s tough for you I know, but whilst women’s aid might have been the catalyst, your wife must bear some responsibility for her actions too.

Unfortunately, there is no way that you can sit down with her, the situation has gone past that point and if you try there will be consequences for you. I think you should just concentrate on your children, getting through the court case for harassment and then apply to court to see your children. It won’t be easy, but if you do all that is asked of you you should get there.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 1 month 15 hours ago #98400

I wish it was that simple then I could just try and move on, It was Social services that told her to go to women's aid. The truth is I know she still wants to be with me as just yesterday she admitted to my sister that she didn't want to get me arrested and only did it because women's aid actually phoned the police and not her. The police also told me that, They told me they had a report from someone and then they phoned my wife to see if she was ok and arranged to see her 2 days later to follow it up, however in-between them phoning and the police visiting my wife she was visited and told by social services that if she didn't follow it up they would deem it as not safeguarding the children. Social services then kept telling her that if she got back with me wile the original investigation was ongoing they would put a protection order on our children and my wife is so scared of them taking our children into care. I also know she doesn't want a divorce as many people have asked her, add to that the family court form was half filled in by social services and nothing negative was hand written and that's the part my wife filled in. the other half was all old information that the social had on record. My wife also visits and cries to another one of my family members and tells them that she wishes it would all just go away and things were like they used to be. She also tells them what she constantly told me for the 1st 3 months, that she feels that if she doesn't do exactly what social say it will go against her. She was prepared to wait as long as it took until women's aid as you say encouraged her by reporting me. I hadn't done anything different than I had for the 1st 3 months and my wife didn't think it was harassment until women's aid somehow convinced her that I was just saying what she wanted to hear and I would go back to how I was before I was removed from the house. Except that's not true, I have beaten my addiction, been seeing a counsellor and have enrolled in courses to get some qualifications. Even my wife said this was our chance to sort our relationship out. She even told my sister yesterday that she also wishes there was a way we could talk but knows she can't because it would get me in more trouble. She also told her that she told social that I'm no threat to the children and didn't think the social would stop me seeing them when I got arrested for harassment as I was seeing them with my mum and didn't need to have any contact with her. she just thought if she didn't follow up the harassment report then they would take our children from her. I feel She feels trapped and has said to many people that social keep telling her that she has to choose me or the children and can't have both and obviously she chooses the children and wont do anything that could be deemed by social as choosing me. I know I just have to get through the harassment charge 1st then sort out getting access sorted with my children but its hard when I feel social are scaring my wife into decisions she tells everyone else she doesn't want to make using the safeguarding the children line. My solicitor even said that it seems like social are somewhat to blame and can't understand why they have only ever visited me once on my own and never visited me when I'm with the children to see how I am with them. I have a meeting with my solicitor after Easter to talk about the situation more as the family court hearing was put through as an emergency by social and we only had 48 hours before appearing in court. Thanks for your advice and I know I just have to wait until after the harassment hearing next week is out of the way 1st before I decide what to do next. I will update as soon as I know more.

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My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 1 month 2 hours ago #98401

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Hi there

Ah that does put a different slant on things, Social Services can and do make such demands on a parent with care, when they feel there are risks to the children.

Have you spoken to your wife’s Social Worker directly?
All you can do is to put across your case and tell the court that the issues they have raised are to all intents and purposes historic, that you had taken steps to change your situation, that you and your wife were working things out and you were seeing your children regularly for over 3 months, with everything going well. Tell the courts what steps you have taken, with re training and counselling etc and that you are absolutely committed to being the change that your family needs.

I think your wife has to speak up too, not go against the authorities, but be firm that she wants you both to work with the authorities to get things back on track. I understand that she’s afraid that they will remove the children, but if she wants to try and save your marriage I think she must say so... I’m no expert and not legally trained, I’m just giving you my opinion.

It might be helpful if you contact the Family Rights Group, they assist parents that are involved with Social Services and may be able to give you some advice and support.

www.frg.org.uk

Best of luck with it all

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 1 month 47 minutes ago #98404

Everything you said is exactly what I have been saying to my wife from day one, I only saw the social worker once at the beginning and they told me that it wouldn't make an impact on the children if we were together but then told my wife different, After that I can never get hold of them and they don't return my calls when they say they will.
When it comes to the family court and the historical claims I have a solicitor and that's exactly what we are going to do.
I totally agree that its my wife that needs to admit to social that she wants to work with me and sort our marriage out but feel she's to scared because they have constantly told her that she can't without risking the children.
So at the moment I'm stuck in a kind of limbo untill after the hurassment case is over next week as the outcome of that will have an impact on the family court case in a couple of months.
Thanks for your advice and i just wish i found this forum earlier as I could of avoided a lot of unnessasary mistakes from happening.

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My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 4 weeks 1 day ago #98405

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You could try and go above the social worker to his/her manager and asking for an appointment to come in and see them about concerns you have about the way your case is being handled, I think you can ask for a case review, but you would need to look into that. FRG maybe able to advise on that.

Alternatively, all Local Authorities have a complaints procedure, if you feel you are being treated unfairly. Of course always be civil and reasonable with them, as I’m sure you would be. To find out more you would need to contact the LA in your area.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 4 weeks 1 day ago #98406

Yes that is something I was going to discuss with my family law solicitor at our next meeting, but until the harassment hearing is out of the way next week and I know the outcome from that there's not much I can do.

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My life is a mess thanks to women's aid 4 weeks 1 day ago #98408

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Asking for an appointment to speak to the SWs manager, could be done at anytime... it’s not an official complaint at that point, but I can understand that you might want to concentrate on the harassment case.

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

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