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TOPIC: Advice Needed

Advice Needed 2 months 1 week ago #100886

Hi,

In the process of a divorce and the decree nisi is due to be processed in court within a few days.

As part of the separation I have been paying child maintenance per child and also sharing 50% custody. Paying extra for child school activities.

How do I approach the not paying of the maintenance as this is not something I can afford or continue.

It had been a year now since we sold the family home and shared the profits equally, but I have been using my share to pay the monthly payments. The money is now coming to an end. I also paid the fee for the divorce to be processed without asking for a share of it to be paid.

I know if I bring up this subject that it will cause tension and arguments.

Any advise would be appreciated.

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Advice Needed 2 months 1 week ago #100887

I guess there’s no financial order in place ? If so you’re not obliged to pay anything apart from if you’re on the mortgage or utility bills etc .
If that’s the case you will need to try to come to an agreement with the ex until something is in force ..

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Advice Needed 2 months 1 week ago #100892

hi,

if your not tied down by some financial arrangement as part of the divorce anymore, you can contact the child maintenance service and pay £20 to register with them.

first you can try make brief contact with the ex, about your difficulty with child maintenance etc and see if you can some to some reasonable amount. if shes not interested. phone up CMS and sign up. i signed myself up after some muppets refused to hand over her bank details, for me to make payments, and they were disputing what amount i was to pay, and stressing me out.

use this gov calculator, to find out what you are expected to pay:

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

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Advice Needed 2 months 1 week ago #100896

Hi thanks for your reply’s.

No financial order in place.
It’s always just been a mutual understanding.

I have briefly mentioned how I’m struggling before and when I said I might need to lower the payments was told “you will make us struggle as well then” also when I advised as it’s 50/50 shared care once she replied saying well you will have her less then.

I have just noticed that none of the trousers I have fit my youngest anymore (she’s been wearing dresses all summer and grown) how am I supposed to afford the payments to her and also provide the kids requirements when they are in my care?

Rant over :)

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Advice Needed 2 months 1 week ago #100905

Have you or your ex looked into any benefits you can claim ?
My ex started to plead all that and just spent the money on herself whilst saying she needed to buy the kids a b c. Of course you have to play the game a little but don’t end up subsidising your exes relationship choices . She’s using the kids to leverage money . Go to court 1st for any child arrangements to stop all that . Then the money becomes a secondary argument . Fact is as much as she’s not doing (wrongly ) obliged to let you see your own kids , not are you liable to pay her anything over and above the cms amount .

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Advice Needed 2 months 1 week ago #100914

DadForever123 wrote: Hi thanks for your reply’s.

No financial order in place.
It’s always just been a mutual understanding.

I have briefly mentioned how I’m struggling before and when I said I might need to lower the payments was told “you will make us struggle as well then” also when I advised as it’s 50/50 shared care once she replied saying well you will have her less then.

I have just noticed that none of the trousers I have fit my youngest anymore (she’s been wearing dresses all summer and grown) how am I supposed to afford the payments to her and also provide the kids requirements when they are in my care?

Rant over :)


hi,
if you have the money and mental willpower, go to court and aim for 50/50 shared care, that way you end up paying 0 child maintenance. if you cant get that then atleast you will have an order that states how many nights you keep the kids. you show that to CMS and they will give you reductions based on number of nights you care for children. and thats how you afford your own set of clothes for the kids and what not. but you will need good reason to go to court, like shes reducing contact or not letting you see them during school holidays etc. my reason was that she denied overnights completely.

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Last Edit: by Bill337.

Advice Needed 2 months 6 days ago #100942

Hi.

Update:

So things came to a head this morning. Something for school was not purchased and it was expected I was paying. (On top of the monthly payment) I explained I can’t afford it and was told well you have money to go out. I did not respond and went our separate ways.

later I called to discuss the maintenance situation and how I was struggling with the current amount. I didn’t want to stop the payment but it would need to be something more affordable.

This is when I was told I need to budget better and supporting the children should not be my first sacrifice (as I have already mentioned we are 50/50 shared care).
I was told that I should not be spending money on the kids when they are with me and enjoying my time with them. I should save to ensure I can afford to give her the value that was first set. (I work full time and have the children 7/14 days in a 2 week period - should I not be able to enjoy my time and unwind with them.)

Shouting, swearing and screaming down the phone at me. I explained I would still try and pay something, but was being shot down and not listened to. Then she threatened to cancel the divorce (I’m the petitioner) and she would take me for my pension.

So now I’m waiting to see how this proceeds....

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Advice Needed 2 months 6 days ago #100943

Work out what you should be paying...that is the recommended amount on the child maintenance calculator...if you are paying more than that then the figure on the calculator is the amount you are legally obligated to pay...there is no arguing that figure! if you are paying less then you should count yourself lucky that your ex hasn't put a claim in with the CMS to get more out of you!

Unfortunately if you're paying less and she finds out then she could (and will likely be advised to) open a claim with the CMS and you're then going to have to prove you have 50/50 shared care of the kids and you'll have to prove your finances to them.
they will not care one bit about how difficult it makes life for you....all they care about is that you pay what you should. Child maintenance is not something you can avoid...and morally nor should you.

Whatever the calculator says you have to pay that....you do not have to payout for anything more than that, what she takes off you is for the kids food, clothing and accommodation...however, if you choose to spend on the kids and can afford to then do it.

Sounds harsh i know and sorry but you will need to get a good grip on your finances and budget accordingly....there's no escaping paying for your children

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Dad-i-d

i'm not legally trained....i'm just a Dad going through hell to see his child grow up and become a decent man and human being.....my goal is simple...to be the father to my child like my father is to me...my hero.

Started this battle 2010.....who knows when the fighting will stop!

Parental Alienation is real and is abuse!
Last Edit: by dad-i-d. Reason: typo

Advice Needed 2 months 6 days ago #100944

Thanks Dad-I-D for your reply.

Let’s get one thing straight I am not trying to get out of paying anything for my children. I just want to be within a value that is sustainable. I have checked the CMS website and this is 1/3 less than I pay now. I would be happy to pay this. Just not getting an agreement from the mother.

I pay way above what I should for maintenance, have 50/50 shared care and pay for extra requirements. Think I’ve never escaped supporting my children. If I could I would have them 100%.

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Advice Needed 2 months 6 days ago #100952

hi,

you should look at going self-employed. CMS have rule where if your income drops by more than 25% then you will be paying less. if income goes up by 25%, you will have to pay more. something to be mindful of. some dads did over-time. then they got hammered.

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Advice Needed 2 months 5 days ago #100959

DadForever123 wrote: Thanks Dad-I-D for your reply.

Let’s get one thing straight I am not trying to get out of paying anything for my children. I just want to be within a value that is sustainable. I have checked the CMS website and this is 1/3 less than I pay now. I would be happy to pay this. Just not getting an agreement from the mother.

I pay way above what I should for maintenance, have 50/50 shared care and pay for extra requirements. Think I’ve never escaped supporting my children. If I could I would have them 100%.


My apologies for my harsh sounding message, I was simply trying to make a point that we are obligated (and can be forced if we don't) pay the calculated amount - I hate the way it comes across and is connected with the amount of time spent with our kids. causes so many un-necessary arguments and quite likely the biggest cause of conflict in contact disputes.

Anything more than the calculated amount is at your discretion.... however try telling a greedy ex who only sees the money and not what is in the children's best interests!

Your ex will never agree to you paying less even when told by the CMS that is all you are obligated to pay.....she will do one of two things.....accept it...or argue and reduce contact until she gets more than she is being told based on your 50/50 shared care arrangement.

I have an ex who said reducing my contact was not about the money....until I proved it was by not paying her maintenance on time! Paid £1 in to her account a week early and then paid the rest a little over a week late when conscience got the better of me.
there was a 19day window between each payments....within that time she contacted the then CSA claiming i'd never paid a penny in the two years since I moved out....and still claimed in court she didn't want my money!
Took me ages to get her to retract the claim because that's the only way the CSA would back off

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Dad-i-d

i'm not legally trained....i'm just a Dad going through hell to see his child grow up and become a decent man and human being.....my goal is simple...to be the father to my child like my father is to me...my hero.

Started this battle 2010.....who knows when the fighting will stop!

Parental Alienation is real and is abuse!

Advice Needed 2 months 5 days ago #100966

Paid £1 in to her account a week early and then paid the rest a little over a week late when conscience got the better of me.
there was a 19day window between each payments....within that time she contacted the then CSA claiming i'd never paid a penny in the two years since I moved out....and still claimed in court she didn't want my money!
Took me ages to get her to retract the claim because that's the only way the CSA would back off[/quote]

LOL. why would you wind her up with a £1 payment? i was tempted to make a 50p payment to her at one point. but no point as she was already making false allegations of financial abuse/control and this would have backed up her claim.

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