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TOPIC: Single mum looking for advice

Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 4 days ago #101942

Hi dad's I'm a single mum looking for advice please

I met my ex on a dating site in 2012 we liked eachother and started to see eachother regularly I fell for him quickly and he told me he loved me too but he was telling a lie he was only interested in sex and still had feeling for his ex.

Anyway I fell pregnant I didn't think I could get pregnant we didn't use anything ( I know very silly) but it does take 2 people to make a baby I suppose

We tried to stay together for the child but it didn't work out so we mutually broke up.

Over the years I've tried my hardest to give him contact with our child but he will miss months of contact without any explanation which is hard on our child.

We have both moved on to new partners I'm with a really lovely guy who treats me well and he's very good with my son

My ex refuses to pay maintenance I provide for our child my partner helps out sometimes.

My question is that how do you encourage a father to see his child? And should I go for maintenance? I feel that my ex never wanted our son and it's punishing me. Is it right to maje him pay if he didn't want to be a father?
Please help me .. thanks.

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 4 days ago #101946

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You can't do anything to encourage him to see his child, that's really down to him, but keep the option open for him to do so. With regards to maintenance, yes, he is partly responsible for this child, and he should be responsible for the costs of caring, so I would suggest you contact Child Maintenance Services and open a case with them (costs £20) and let them sort it out with him.
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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 4 days ago #101956

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Hi there,

As you say – it takes two to make a baby, but it seems you have been pretty much left holding the baby so to speak. There are so many dads on this site that would have little understanding of your ex, and would consider all their Christmases to have come at once if they were dealing with co-parents who wanted to encourage their relationship with their children.

Unfortunately, there is no way to make a ‘non-resident ‘ parent see his / her child, even if a court order was in place. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by keeping that door open, but it is unfair on both you and your child if there is no routine and the father might disappear for months, as you’ve said. Is there any way you can at least establish something routine with your ex, such as a phone call to your son every week or fortnight on a fixed day and time, something your son can expect / look forward to? That might be a start to establishing routine times they could expect to spend together. At the moment it seems to be completely on your ex’s terms, which provides your son with no emotional security in terms of bonding with his father.

In terms of maintenance, your ex has a responsibility to provide for his son whether her wanted to become a father or not – the fact is he became one under the legal definition of the term. Again, most if not all fathers on this site pay maintenance for their children even when they are being blocked by the mothers from seeing their children, because it is a legal (and I would argue) a moral obligation to pay to support their children, regardless of how they feel about the mothers, if they have the means.

A few year ago, a colleague of mine told me about her situation: she also had a young son and a supportive new partner. Her son’s father only engaged sporadically, and wouldn’t pay any maintenance. Eventually, when asked point-blank, he said he wanted every weekend with his son. She said she was convinced he’d asked for this because he was certain she’d refused, but she called his bluff and agreed to it. She said it was difficult on her, but she felt she was prepared to pay that price if it meant her son not getting messed around anymore, and having set times with his dad. She said she decided not to press him for maintenance because didn’t want her ex to do a vanishing act on his kid, and she and her partner were able to pay for her son - ultimately, she’d gone from a situation where her ex was having irregular contact and making no contributions, to one where he was seeing his son 2 days every week and being financially responsible for him on those days.

It’s entirely within your rights (and more importantly, your son’s) to expect some financial contributions for the upkeep of your son. You could try to negotiate and agree on a private financial arrangement, or you could go down the more formal Child Maintenance Service route. Either way, it’s up to you to decide the when and how in this situation you’re in.

That’s what I think, but it’s just my point of view.
Good luck.
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Last Edit: by Toks. Reason: missed word

Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 4 days ago #101964

Thank you for your replies very helpful

I've got myself into a situation where my ex picks and chooses the dates he sees our son to suit him and regularly cancels even on the dates he picks which is sad for my son who asks every weekend if he's seeing his dad and my reply is "I don't know" it's got that bad that I don't tell my son until I know on the day he's definitely going because he cries and gets very disappointed when he can't go.


I asked my barrister what I should do if he doesn't turn up for contact she said if he doesn't show up for at least 6 months send him a letter asking him whether he wants contact or not if he doesn't I should take it back to court for a no contact order, I don't think he doesn't not want contact with our son he just wants everything on his terms.

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 4 days ago #101975

Why would you go back to court? Sounds like you want to take him to court and emotionally batter him. That is what most women do play the game and take all the fathers money and stop contact.

If he does not make an effort with his son what will the courts do? Your son is better off without him and you both can move on.

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 4 days ago #101977

Hi FathersRights

I have no intention of taking my ex back to court or to stop him seeing our son I was just saying what my barrister suggest that's all

If you read my post properly you would of seen that my son is the loser in all of this he's got a father who doesn't come to contact for months with no explanation hasn't not paid a penny in maintenance ever and he got the house too

I know there is lots of deadbeat mother's you are right but there is deadbeat father's too they do exist !!!/

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 3 days ago #101985

Well, i suggest you take your son and leave him at the fathers place every weekend or when you know the father is at home. However I know most mothers stop all contact to extort more money from CSA and the father

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 3 days ago #101990

Thanks for the brilliant advice FathersRights lol

I couldn't just dump my son with him his father I wish I could
I'm not that bothered about child maintenance either
But thanks for replying you response has made me laugh

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 3 days ago #101996

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It shoudl be on your son's terms, not on you ex's - if he can't stick to regular contact, then no contact actually may be better for your son, because he's then not being constantly let down. I went through exactly this process with my youngest daughter, when my ex wife was messing her around by not turning up to contact.
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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 3 days ago #102000

Thanks actd .. how did you deal with the situation?

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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 3 days ago #102002

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I disagree with the statements made by FathersRight. Going down the Court route to get an order would allow your son to have clarity on when to expect to see his father. I think a Child Arrangements order would define the times your son spends with both you and his natural dad. If he chooses not to show up on the days alloted, while this will still be disappointing for your son (and probably quite infuriating for you), it should limit the amount of days your ex can mess everyone else around, or demand on his terms.

I guess as a father who spent a considerable amount of time, emotional and financial effort to get a legally enshrined fixed routine with my son, a no-contact order sounds quite a closed door.
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Single mum looking for advice 2 weeks 3 days ago #102015

Thank you Toks

Me and my Ex went through the court system ( I took him to court) it was hell, he made some untrue allergations about me that's why I understand how it feels when people make untrue allergations, he hates me and refuses to speak to me. I've tried to speak to him but he's not interested. he won't even speak to me about our son which is sad.

I really don't want to go through court again. i think my ex wants me to stop contact so he can get me into trouble.

I just wish he would stick to original court order but he doesn't. he really doesn't seem that interested about his son.

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