I was in what I now see was an emotional and controlling marriage and I have been out of it now for 6 months.
This control ranged from not letting me have more than 1 evening out a week to play sports, and getting angry when I had to change the day of the week. Having a go if I had a bath when it wasn't my allotted time, getting upset if I went on the computer upstairs for 30 minutes, getting angry if I got out of bed too early at weekends which meant I had to lie in bed for hours until she woke up, She would constantly nag me for not going what she wanted me to do around the house, even though she didn't work, and my son is at school all day. She would assume that if I forgot something I had done it on purpose and would then punish me by not doing something I needed later etc.
Unfortunately, even though I am now away from that, she still upsets me by controlling access to my son. I see him every other weekend, and 3, 2 hour "tea times" over a fortnight.
I have tried mediation, solicitors letters etc but she just ignores them all and sticks strictly to her "arrangements", meaning my son misses out on things he likes doing, like watching and playing sports on 'her weekend' because she refuses to take him most of the time. Also, although he is 10, she controls what he wears, what he watches etc etc.
He doesn't like the arrangements, and wants to spend more time with me, so I have a court date in a few weeks and had my CAFCASS telephone call yesterday.
I am having councilling for the anxiety my ex causes, and continues to cause me, and until last week I had a domestic abuse support worker.
I originally started the court proceedings to get 50/50 access (its more like 75/25 at the moment), but the longer things go on, with her stopping him doing things he likes doing, upsetting him, and him even crying because he has to go back there, I wonder if I should be asking for more custody.
I am really nervous of my ex though, and I get concerned that if I push for more then she will get even more nasty and it might somehow mean I get him even less than I do now.
As well as being able to get statements from my support worker and councilor on the abuse, I also have numerous messages on whatsapp from her over the years showing how she controlled me, so I have evidence of the abuse, but I am still really nervous.
Hi one thing from experience , you can be nice as pie to the ex , they’ll be nasty still I court . I can testify to that and I’m sure many many more can . You need to enter into proceedings ASAP and get the hall rolling . If you can proove to the court more than 50/50 is practical and in the kids best interest then go for it . Can’t hurt . I would say don’t bother with solcitors writing letters , they carry no more weight than a letter from you . If you want representing use a direct access barrister , had saved me a fortune . With lots of reading up On line and I took a lot of guidance from this forum , you can do all the litigation yourself and a lot of people don’t even get a barrister . You might be eligible for legal aid so maybe look into that
its good the court ball has started rolling. one thing i would advise is stay strictly focused on the children. i went to court to get overnights/weekends. while at same time the ex was chatting garbage in court about how i hate women, i abused her, blah blah blah. all fell on deaf ears. don't get sidetracked and end up taking that path. court just focus on the children. the case is about your kids and not your marriage.
Yeah, I made it clear on the phone that I only wanted what was best for my son, and that one of the reasons to go to court was they professionals could best decide what is best for him as I don't know if he is at risk from similar abuse that she did to me.