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TOPIC: Ex and her partner fighting with daughter present

Ex and her partner fighting with daughter present 1 month 3 weeks ago #105383

Due to the situation with the coronavirus, I have been contacting my 7 yo daughter via Skype each day. During today's video call, some commotion could be heard coming from elsewhere in the flat, my daughter turned around to see what was going on (her bedroom door was closed however), and then another being slammed could be heard. I asked my daughter if everything was okay as she looked concerned, and she responded casually 'Yeah, Mummy and Daddy (she calls her mum's partner 'Daddy'...long story) are just upset with each other. As she was reading from her joke book to me, between jokes, I carefully and gently probed for a little more info, not wanting to upset her, and being as quiet as I could so as not to be heard by her mum and partner. Long story short, she told me how they had been fighting since last night, that she has had to cover her ears, and that it started up again this morning. She told me mum's partner, since last night's bout, went out 'all night' on his bike. She said that he was upset with mum because he felt it was his fault that he couldn't see his son at the moment (mum had come down with a cough a few days ago, and rightly and wrongly, they sent his son back to his mum). And now, from what I can gather, as my ex has been going out every day, and definitely not self isolating, I guess he feels it was all for nothing. Anyway, my daughter told me she was scared at one point because they were both threatening to call the police on each other (makes me worry just how bad the fighting was getting).

I made sure she stayed in her room with me whilst I was on Skype for an hour, and devised a hand-signalling system with her so that she can let me know if it's both, still going on, and upsetting her, tomorrow when I video call her, as well as alerting me to more fighting in the future, without having to speak too much (as I thought she might be scared of them hearing her).

Do I do anything else? Call Children's Services or the police? When I have called CS in the past, I get one of three things: criticised for not telling them as and when the situation was happening (my daughter could only tell me after the fact) and as such they can't do anything, told they're not interested, told that they have logged the info but won't take immediate action, only to later find out they didn't log it. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I also worry about what it might mean for my daughter, and my contact, if they did get involved, during this crazy time. I'm in a moral quandry...

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Ex and her partner fighting with daughter present 1 month 3 weeks ago #105385

Its best not to do anything, reasons being is what you listed below at end of your message.
All it will do is cause you no end of problems. I would focus on when you can next get to spend time with your daughter. If either of them did ring police on each other social services would be informed and if these behaviours were to continue then they may start to take notice.
As regards to ex partners fella been called dad your daughter does it to keep her mum happy as she is only 7. I imagine when shes with yourself she doesnt refer to him as dad at all. Very difficult as shes only 7 and has to live with them virtually on a daily basis

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Ex and her partner fighting with daughter present 1 month 3 weeks ago #105387

All good points.

My daughter refers to him as 'Daddy' all the time, with me, at school, everywhere, and she has been instructed to call me 'Dad' instead. Basically, my ex stopped me seeing my daughter for 6 months until I took her to court, etc. In that time she met her partner, and as my daughter was only around 18 months old at the time, with me gone, she got confused and started calling him 'Daddy', and instead of telling her 'That's not your dad', etc, they encouraged it, so she went for a long time not knowing any different and it's been cemented in her. There's been times where she has wanted to stop calling him 'Daddy', and gone back to her mum's with that intention (even though it rips me apart, I have never encouraged that, I just listen to her and give her advice and guidance on the situation when needed, and believe kids should be left to work things out for themselves in time, rather than causing conflict). But the next week when I've picked her up, she is still calling him 'Daddy', and it's clear she's either been too afraid to stop calling him that, because she knows he and mum will be angry with her, and/or she's been told that she must keep calling him that.

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Ex and her partner fighting with daughter present 1 month 3 weeks ago #105398

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My personal view on this is that it's doesn't matter what she calls you, it's the thought and feelings behind it that really matters. I think you are exactly right not making a big deal out of it to her, she needs to feel comfortable and relaxed when she's with you, so if she calls you dad, go with it.
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