Dad dot info
DAD.info form. Ask questions, get answers
DAD.info | Fatherhood | Being Dad | Living with an angry parent

Living with an angry parent

If you are struggling with anger and you are directing that anger towards your spouse or perhaps even your children then now is the time to stop and get help. Living with an angry parent will hurt your child.

b2ap3_thumbnail_depression-2912424_1280.jpg

Dad.info asked three experts at Fegans to explain why anger damages children and to share their tips to stop anger in its tracks.

Vicki Bellman – a counsellor who works with Fegans as Deputy Manager in West Kent.

b2ap3_thumbnail_Vicki1.jpg

‘it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to be aggressive’

Angry parents can be overwhelming for children, as being scared by a loved one is confusing. Whilst it can be difficult to maintain our patience, empathy and resilience, it is important to work towards this, to avoid resorting to anger in times of stress or upset; children thrive in harmonious environments. We can do our bit to support our children in developing a good relationship with anger by modelling it ourselves.

Anger is a natural emotion – it can be a powerful motivator and source of energy, but when it gets in the way of our relationships and scares other people, it is unhelpful. A mantra I often share with children is, ‘it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to be aggressive’. The same mantra can be useful for us to remember – it’s natural to get angry, but it’s not ok to intimidate others by our emotions. As the adult in the relationship, we need to work hard to regulate our emotions, to show them how to do it. And remember, it’s important to say sorry when we’ve made a mistake – an apology to your children when you have lost your temper is part of resolving the situation.

Ian Soars – Parent Support Worker and CEO of Dad.Info

b2ap3_thumbnail_Ian-BW-1920x2118.jpg

‘Children don’t do what we say…they do what we do.’

Home isn’t what makes children feel safe…it’s the parents. So if parents get too angry too quickly too often it can make children really insecure. Anger is the emotional equivalent of an earthquake shaking the house…everything suddenly feels unsafe.

It isn’t my proudest parenting moment, but I will share it here. I was having a shouting match with one of my children. As they got louder, I simply went louder still as I wanted to “win”… until, suddenly, my precious child erupted in tears. It didn’t look like a win and I didn’t do that again.

I work with parents all the time and you can see the pattern. Unfortunately, angry parents create angry children.

Think about this example in terms of how you speak to your children.

I had a parent come to me whose child shouted at them all the time, almost for no reason. We talked and it turned out that their parents didn’t so much “CALL” them for dinner but bellow. The parent realised that if they shouted up the stairs to their kids (i.e. for no real reason) then the children would do the same…for no real reason. The parent changed the way they communicated. They started to go up the stairs to announce dinner….and hey presto, their child shouted less as well.

 Mary Fowlie – a counsellor and Fegans’ Head of Counselling

b2ap3_thumbnail_Mary1.jpg

‘An angry dad probably had an angry dad’

Adults are role models for children, they copy our behaviour. If a child has an unpredictably explosive parent, they will learn to be hypervigilant and this causes chemical reactions which shape the brain differently over time. So next time you are angry, stop and take a moment and recognise that you’re getting angry. Learn some self-soothing techniques you can use before you “lose it” completely. I think this ‘poem’ written by Dorothy Law Nolte in the 1950s explains much you need to know about how to raise children in 2020.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE–Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-

If you need support or solidarity come and meet us on our forum.

For more ideas about managing anger read these articles on Dad.info:

Santa Claus, Shouting and Shame

Are you ignoring me?

If you are struggling with parenting and want help consider trying Fegans free parenting course – click here.

Related entries

What birth rate is needed to sustain a population?

What birth rate is needed to sustain a population?

Not the most romantic of pillow talk, but while having children is a completely personal choice there is also an optimal birth rate that is needed to sustain a population. And it is 2.1 live births per mother. 2.1 for a few reasons. Sadly even with the best medical...

The Cringiest Dad Jokes

The Cringiest Dad Jokes

Dads are famous for three things; DIY, Dancing and Dad Jokes. We might not be great at any of them, but we wear our Dad badges with pride. Today is National Tell a Joke Day so here are a few of the Dad Info team's best/worst Dad jokes - share yours with us!...

Latest entries

Can I watch Squid Game with my kids?

Can I watch Squid Game with my kids?

The news is buzzing with stories of children reenacting scenes from the hit Netflix show Squid Game. Kids as young as 6 have seen enough of the violent series to be 'playing' it on the playground, and there are reports of children being hurt. The story of the series,...

The value of praise

The value of praise

As parents we all want to raise happy, confident children. Receiving praise is an important part of boosting their self esteem, and giving it in the right way is important. Look beyond achievements and focus elsewhere Firstly, it's important to look beyond winning or...

Pin It on Pinterest