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Dad Jokes

Son: “ I wonder what it would be like to be deaf?”

Dad; “Pardon?”

Son;” I said… I wonder what it would be like to be deaf?”

Dad: “Pardon….”

 So it’s an old gag, bad word play, a pun and situation I use on my kids (and my dad used on me)……In fact something that may be in the very core of “DAD” DNA  ….the bad joke is something many children will groan at or maybe even smile at but never admit to being amused by………

It’ s often the speed of comment in any given situation that makes it funny – as the pros say it’s all about the timing!

I think this, along with the classic of using chips to become a vampire, whilst eating out are things most dads will have tried at some point….  Is the bad Dad joke something lying dormant in male DNA, that having children releases?

Whist queuing in Next I was chastised by my 11 year old ,the other day, “Dad put it down!…Now!”

The reason for his outburst and the sudden role reversal?

I had picked up a book entitled the World’s Best Bad Jokes for Dads. Now I must admit the title annoyed me a little mainly because no one had checked with me, or any dad I know for that matter, if they were the best jokes and surely “the best in the world” is going to be  an over exaggeration.

Now as a professional entertainer and magician I use comedy and one liners to get laughs. I have worked with and know several great comics, some are names you will recognise from Tim Vine, Peter Kay, Frank Skinner and Joe Pasquale. Others you won’t have heard of but they are as funny : Steve Evans, Alec  Powell, Ron Popple, Peter Simon and John Archer.  All of them are naturally funny and make you smile with their quirky observations, but as Dad’s,  I know their children will sometime see some of their best material as lame because Dad’s to their kids aren’t supposed to be funny. But it can make you cool to their mates. Is it in our DNA to tell bad jokes as a Dad?

If you like jokes and humour “The Naked Jape” by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, is a fantastic read and very funny, it explores the nature of humour and its place in different societies and cultures, why is there a British sense of humour? Its subtitle of Uncovering the hidden world of jokes  tells you all you need to know.

Jimmy and lucy or some academic may do some research to the Bad Joke Gene, or present some social theory as to why … but until they do …I thought I would share with you some of my favourite gags, lines and jokes – don’t worry all are U rated. I am avoiding some of the classics and please feel free to use them to annoy your kids or make your mates smile.I am sure you will use one or more of them… enjoy and if you have any of your own let me know.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit  ………………. An egg!

When is it time for the Dentist? ………… two thirty !

What did the slug say to the snail………………….. Big Issue get your big issue!

What do you call a telly tubbie who never has a bath …………….. stinky winky

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall …………… Dam!

What did the grape say when he was stepped on? …. Nothing he just let out a little wine!

Why do the telly tubbies all go to the bathroom at the same time………… cause they only have one tinky winky!

8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskers …only because they can’t shave yet!

If an apple a day keeps the Dr away, what can I use on Jehovah Witnesses? (Written By a 74 year old on a John Archer comedy workshop…makes me smile!)

I hate my boys playing tennis they are always making a racquet!

Dad: What comes after S?

Child: T..

Dad : yes please two sugars…


Child: “ Dad, I’m Hungry/Bored”

Dad: “ Hi Hungry/Bored, I’m DAD!”


I am available for wedding, children’s parties and other paid work.

Save the planet recycle jokes!!  Remember it’s in your DNA !!!

Till next time !


The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the blogger and do not necessarily represent the views of

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