Clare and I were talking at cross purposes.
“Oh no! It’s on ITV,” I said talking about that afternoon’s FA Cup Final between Liverpool and Chelsea.
“No. Its’ on CBeebies,” she replied thinking I was talking about which channel the TV was currently tuned into.
This set off a surreal thought in my head. What if CBeebies did have exclusive rights to the FA Cup Final…
“And welcome to this year’s FA Cup Final, sponsored by Pampers, live from Wembley Stadium where Teletubbies Town take on In-the-Night-Garden United. The teams are well balanced and I expect a cracker of a match. It’s the TeleTubbies to kick off as their captain Tinky Winky passes the ball out wide to La-La stationed on the wing…”
25 minutes “…and the game bursts to life with a thrilling break down the middle by Dipsy who carves his way through the three man Tomliboo defence to unleash a wicked shot which is only just parried by Maka-Paka in goal.”
40 minutes “…and In-the-Night-Garden are slowly coming back into this match as their midfield general, Iggle Piggle, starts to exert his influence on the game. He releases Tomliboo Eee with a delightful reverse pass. Tomliboo Eee races into the penalty area and shapes up to shoot but…Oh no! His trousers have fallen down and the chance goes begging.”
80 minutes “still no score. And tempers are fraying as Iggle Piggle does a big sneeze and falls down. Po rushes up to the referee demanding that Iggle Piggle is booked for diving.”
90 minutes “Time is ticking away when suddenly Dipsy in the heart of the Teletubbies’ defence loses concentration as Upsy Daisy inflates her skirt and does a little dance through the middle of the park. She takes a big swing at the ball which curls into the top corner. GOAL! Upsy Daisy is swamped by her team-mates giving her hugs and kisses. Remarkable scenes here as some of the Teletubbies seem to be hugging and kissing her too…”
The final word goes to the manager of Teletubbies Town, Timmy the lamb who said, “Obviously, we are disappointed with the result but my boys came here and played their hearts out. I’m also new to the management game and you have to remember that at the end of the day I’m a little lamb with a lot to learn.”