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My daughter Meri was playing her counting game on the i-Pad the other day but was getting confused. She was sitting straight-legged on the floor and placed the i-Pad on her legs. Because her thighs are fatter than her ankles, the i-Pad was at an angle slanting down away from her. The i-Pad sensed this and it flipped the screen display around so that from Meri’s point of view everything was upside down.  She picked it up, turned it around so that it was the right way up and put it back down on her legs. Of course, the screen flipped around again and so the comedy continued. 

The i-Pad is an inspirational piece of technological design. Perfectly thought through; both functional and beautiful in equal measures. Watching Meri struggling with it made me realise that she is not perfectly designed and has many design flaws. Someone, I thought, should put the same amount of effort and creativity into the design of our children. Unfortunately, Steve Jobs passed away recently and so I have bravely decided to take up the mantle of designing the all new i-Kid.

The first thing that needs sorting out is the power intake and waste management process. Who on earth wants something that won’t eat half of what you put in front of it and then makes a god-awful mess out of the other end once it does. The all new i-Kid comes ready potty trained and enjoys a wide and diverse range of food from around the world. You will, however, have to pay extra for one that likes broccoli.

The i-Kid comes ready fitted with a cuteness app. Whenever this activated, all passing women between the ages of 18 to 80 will tilt their head, smile and coo adoringly at the delightful i-Kid being pushed around in its buggy. They will then smile longingly at the ruggedly handsome father doing the pushing for having such wonderful genes and being such a caring role model.

The i-Kid also earns its keep unlike the ungrateful money-pits we call our children. Every i-kid has a fully functioning chimney sweep mode so that from an early age they are able to provide a valuable social service by clambering up chimneys. This is automatically upgraded to a paper round app and finally a McDonald’s team member app as they grow up to ensure that they continue to contribute to the family finances.

A very popular app will be the “make Daddy a cup of tea” app. This can be installed as soon as they are able to reach the kettle. There will, of course, be a biscuit option. Again, as they grow up this can be upgraded to a “get Daddy a beer from the fridge” app and finally to a “get a round in” app by the time they are eighteen.

The biggest selling point of the i-Kid will of course be the “Off switch”. At the flick of a button, your i-kid will power down  and put itself to bed quietly, efficiently and without any back chat and will remain in standby mode until you need to use the “make Daddy a cup of tea” function described above.

I don’t know about you but I want one.


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