I think I’m going to have to divorce my wife on the grounds of mental cruelty.
The tale I’m about to tell you is a sad and sorry one at the end of it I think you’ll understand the untenable position that I’ve been put in.
It all started a few weeks ago. I spent a couple of days down in London away from the kids, largely because I was feeling rotten and needed some uninterrupted rest without being woken up by outrageously enthusiastic toddler singing at 6.30am every morning. I wandered off, blissfully ignorant of the calamity that was about to befall me and my family.
I returned to find my family tucked up in front of the TV watching “The Sound of Music.”
“No problem with that,” I thought but what I didn’t realise is that they had been watching it all weekend.
Clare loves the implausible yet true tale of Maria and the von Trapp brood and had clearly taken the opportunity, in my absence, to brainwash my children into loving it too.
I have been carefully cultivating impeccable taste in my children. Arun has been brought up to admire serious music and to exercise his own judgement in what he likes. For example he loves Snow Patrol whilst he cannot stand Coldplay; he adores Iggy Pop but is nonplussed by David Bowie. All good, discerning music that would not have Rolling Stone magazine rolling it’s eyes.
Meri is less into music but likes her movies. I have been careful to introduce her to only credible children’s films. Winnie the Pooh and the Jungle Book are in but Dumbo and Mickey Mouse are very much out.
Now, many of you will know that when toddlers get into something, their interest is not a well -balanced one, rounded out with a diverse range of alternatives. When Arun and Meri get into something they want to watch and listen to it a lot. In fact, all the time. Every waking moment.
So, I am now constantly faced with a dancing, singing, relentlessly jolly nun prancing around with seven unfeasibly tutonic children of minor Austrian nobility yodelling away to “The Lonely Goatherd.”
This morning I was woken up by Arun singing “My Favourite Things.” They both wander around the house singing “Do-re-me”. It is unbearable.
So, I’m going to have to ditch my family and start a new one because this one is ruined forever. However, there are some unexpected benefits of my prolonged exposure to ”The Sound of Music”. All of a sudden I find myself appreciating Barbara Streisand a lot more than I used to and I am starting to think about a new career in interior design. Not sure what it all means but I’m sure I’ll figure it all out in the end.