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Just more of a vent/information
Hi all.
My girlfriend of 9 years and the mother of my 2 year old told me today that she doesnt love me anymore.
She told me its because I shout at her a lot.
Now I dont disagree to that, I actually do. But its because of frustration.
Ive tried to explain to her multiple times, that i shout because im not being heard and she doesnt listen.
Some of the reasons:
She questions everything I say and do. Its annoying as [censored].
If i dont reply to her (her saying my name or something) within 3 seconds, she gets all "urgh fine I'll do it, dont need you anymore"
Ill ask her to do something nicely, I.E. She left the car door wide open and a car was trying to park next to us which he was blocking the road so I said, close the door, someone's trying to park. And she says "Well he can wait, we are parked and im doing something (the something was looking in the glovebox)" so i shouted CLOSE THE DOOR.
Shes claiming im abusive..
Idk what to say or do.
Thanks for being open about what's been happening. It takes a level of self-awareness to admit when things are difficult, and it is important to recognise the impact that shouting and anger can have, especially on children.
You might find it helpful to speak to Respect on 0808 802 4040. They support men who want to make changes in how they manage conflict and emotions in their relationships.
You may also want to look at our Healthy Relationships Wheel, which can help you reflect on what respectful, balanced relationships look like:
spurgeons.org/resources-and-courses/resources/healthy-relationships-wheel
We have also gathered other useful links and resources on domestic abuse and behaviour change here:
spurgeons.org/resources-and-courses/resources/domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-useful-links
If anyone else has experience of working on this kind of change, or wants to offer some encouragement, please do jump in.
Thanks for letting us know how you feel. I am a family support worker at Spurgeons.
Family life can be tough and stressful at times
I don’t know about you but I was never taught how to communicate my emotions or how to express my feelings in an assertive way. It might be the same for your girlfriend too. When we are frustrated it is so easy to fall into saying things like “You always….” Or “You never….”
Unfortunately this tends to provoke a defensive reaction - it can feel like an accusation.
I find it helpful to think about what I need or want in a quiet moment before I broach a subject. When we react in the moment it is often with an automatic reaction and we aren’t able to think things through logically. Have a think about what you would like your relationship to be like. Then think about an assertive way to ask. Avoid “You” statements and instead use “I” statements and ask for what you would like to happen. We are not mind readers and this type of communication can help us to work things out.
The format can be “I feel … when… next time could we….”
You might like to say “ I feel frustrated when people don’t listen to me. Next time please can you reply to me or answer me so that I know you have heard me.”
This gives a clear indication of how you feel whilst telling her what you need. This will avoid you needing to shout. It might be that you begin by saying you are sorry for shouting and that you don’t want to do this anymore.
I would also suggest giving yourself time to think about your relationship. What attracted you in the first place? What did you like doing together? Are you able to make time for the two of you? It doesn’t have to be a huge thing- maybe watching a film together or going for a walk? Perhaps seeing if you can have a date night? Even just having a cup of tea together can help. Life can often be swallowed up by our children and we can forget to look after ourselves and each other. Enabling each other to have some time to do the things we enjoy can give us more energy to cope with life’s demands. Spending some quality time together - even 10 minutes a day can really help you to rebuild a relationship.
I hope that you find this helps
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
