You are absolutely under no obligation to pay half towards a school that cost 15 k a year. You already child maintenance and that's all you have to do. if she cant afford 15 k a year herself then the solution is not to send your child there.
Well the thing is, she can afford it and is adamant in sending him to independant school. Question is, if I can't afford it, how does this affect me seeing my son?
hi Dean,
its common for some ex's to use children as weapons after a relationship breakdown. they can stop you seeing your child at the drop of a hat. some will keep kids away from dad in order to claim more child maintenance. if this happens to you, all you can do is reason with her, or take it to court. don't let her blackmail you for money. i earn modest income, so i would not be paying to send my kids off to study at oxford. you have your own life and living costs to think about.
What about school fees? Most parents' fear on separation is whether or not their child will need to change school. The Child Maintenance Service can't order a parent to pay school fees but the Court can make an order to make one parent either pay or contribute toward private school fees and 'extras'.
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you can tell ex your not earning much so can't afford it. if she wants to drag you to court, thats up to her.
I think the fact that this change is happening after you have split will help your argument - you shouldn't be expected to fund her lifestyle choices, which is effectively what she is trying to do.
Thank you all dearly for your advice, it has been very helpful, both practically and mentally.
As suggested I should contact CMS. Through CMS I would only need to pay £40 per month.
However, I am happy to pay more to cover costs, even if I can't afford the full whack of school fees plus living expenses.
At the moment we are quite amicable, and am afraid that invloving CMS will anger her and things will turn sour.
Are there any other benefits involving CMS at this point? If I am to continue giving her lets say £500 per month, is it advisable to get CMS invloved to pay £40 through them then the rest directly to her?
you should be going through CMS really when things are hostile and if ex is stressing you out about money.
do you use the CMS calculator to work out what to pay?
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance
its up to you, if you want to give her more/optional money than the CMS calculations. be mindful though that with CMS, every year they review your income. so the more you earn, then the more maintenance you have to pay.
Im honestly rather curious: how can the CMS say you’re only liable for 40, but you say you can easily afford 500?
Affording £500 is not easy. It is from savings. I do contract work but with the current climate I may be out of work for a very long time.
Currently on Universal Credit
i think it defeats the purpose of using CMS, if your going to be making 2 maintenance payments each month. do whats easier for you.
Personally, given what you have said about currently being on Universal Credit, and using your savings to pay your maintenance, I would be inclined to either go through CMS, or give your ex a more affordable amount each month. If you do want to give your child extra, you can always put it aside into an account for them. Your ex would have no grounds to stand on if she started demanding more money. You can only pay what you can afford, and right now, that may be less than she is used to, but that's life, and you can't be putting yourself out of pocket to appease her demands. It can feel rubbish to not be able to give your child as much as you would like to. Personally, I pay the bare minimum through CMS as I am on benefits. I often feel guilty for not paying more, but these are our circumstances right now, and it's important we don't make life harder for ourselves financially - your child wouldn't want a dad bogged down under financial stress - they want a happy, healthy dad, and looking after our finances is a big part of that.
In my own case a long time ago, I paid my ex more than the CSA figure (well I used their figure but didn't deduct for a step child or travelling costs) and paid for other expenses as well, and yet my ex never thought I was paying enough and always complained to everyone who would listen. However, when I gained custody, suddenly she didn't think that she should be paying any mantenance at all, and did everything possible to avoid paying anything at all - I paid about 10k in total in the two years she had the, she paid around half that in total over the following 12 years.
Conversations have started to get heated now with school fees coming up. Her attitude now is simply disgusting and rude.
I'm going broke. I can't afford independant school but from her view she expects me to find any job to work and pay for school fees.
I don't feel like I can talk to her anymore, recent requests to see my son have been refused.
So step 1?? Find a mediator right? and they will contact her?
In this case what if she outright refuses? and still doesn't let me see him? What then?
Also, if she becomes completely hostile, how fast can I potentially make things happen? i.e. a court stepping in and giving a verdict to let me see much son? I'm trying to gauge a scenario of how long I won't be able to see my son?
Furthermore, I have heard horror stories from friends that she can simply ignore the court and not allow me to see my son, can she do this? If she doe's do this, what are the consequences for her?
You should move swiftly and with speed. Real quick
0) Stop arguing or engaging with her. It's never going to help. A parent who weaponises contact is hopeless.
1) Yes find a mediator, start mediation. Get your form signed quick - given her attitude you should be able to do this in a week or two.
2) At the same time start filling out a C100. It's a relatively simple form. You don't need a lot of evidence in it just what you would like to achieve. Forget the school fees - make this about contact, and what sort of arrangements you want.
3) Lodge the application, and wait for your FHDRA.
Do not pay her more than the CMS says you should pay.
No she cannot ignore court orders - you can go back to court to enforce them. Recently I had a hearing where a judge talked to the mother in person and told her if she messed up with the order she can be sent to prison, "do you understand?".
You need to be swift and firm with court action.