What can I do about false allegations of physical abuse?
When my ex realised that I was going to split with her, she emailed me saying that our child said that I had hit him repeatedly.
In another email she showed a red mark across hers face enquiring about it. The implication is that I had hit him somehow or was negligent in looking after him.
Few days I wrote a letter to the school explaining we had split up and I would no longer be doing school runs to avoid further false allegations. The school acknowledged my letter but it has been over a month now and I don’t know the outcome.
I am now thinking writing to social services or going to the police.
My aim is really for my child to be interviewed and it goes on record that I hasn’t hit him. I am confident my child who is 9 will tell the truth.
We don’t live together. And I organised a meditation session and we agreed she will drop the child in a public venue then pick him up in a public venue few hours later. She wanted me to keep him overnight and holidays but I refused because she she will make further allegations.
The most bizarre thing is if she thinks I had abused our child, why has she not reported it till now. Even more bizarre why during mediation she was insisting I keep him weekends overnights and holidays! Specially that she professionally works with children.
Is mediation finished?
In short, no.
We got another one at the end of the month to review if the trial arrangements (dropping the child in public place and picking up few hours later from same spot + evening phone calls) are working for us.
She wanted me to keep the child during holidays and weekends but I refused as I am scared it is a set up and gives her more opportunities to make similar allegations. She mentioned in the mediation that I am refusing to keep the child overnight in order to control her so she doesn’t have time to go out and have a life.
So as a compromise she agreed to trial it. Also I felt she is avoiding to go to court as that will involve cafcas who will write a report. I don’t know why but she backed down when mediator said next step to go to court and cafcas to write a report.
Also deep down I don’t want to go to the court route either so she isn’t declared the “resident parent”. From what I understand resident parents can travel with no consent up to 28 days and I fear she will use that to permanently relocate.
I think picking up child from school and dropping to school would be ideal. You don't have to see your ex there. I think you should try ignore her allegations and spend time with child on weekends and holidays
Right now I don’t want to be alone with my child till these allegations are investigated. It’s either true or she’s lying. Hence, why I am only comfortable with seeing him in a public place.
so my question is what can I do? So I report it to police or social services?
You could go down the court route and ask for a Prohibited Steps Order within the contact arrangements which will prevent her from taking your son out of the country. In the meantime, she does not seem to have made any official allegations. I agree with Bill that picking your son up from school and taking him there should work well. You could have a contact book when you write down what you've done over the weekend/how your son was etc and she can do the same if there is anything you need to be aware of at pick up. I would also recommend the free online course for separated parents which you can find on the top right of the page. There is no need to report anything to the police or social services if it hasn't happened.
Just looking at the point you stated about wanting your nine year old son interviewed, I would advise that you concentrate on making the time that you are currently spending with your child count, and concentrate on keeping a positive relationship with him, as much as you are able to at this time. Keep your contact up with the school, let them know when you see your son and for how long, so they have a clear picture of your involvement. An interview for a nine year old in those circumstances could be overwhelming and make him feel like he is choosing between his parents, when actually he probably loves you both the same. I understand that having these allegations made about you is very stressful, but I don't think that involving your son via an interview is perhaps the right thing to do. As the other posters have said, make a contact book that both of you can write things in - you can make it as positive as you wish, making sure you note situations where your son has a good visit with you, say what you did and what you may plan to do next.
I agree with you that if you feel for now, that the best arrangement is to meet with your son in a public place, then carry on with this arrangement, but ultimately in the long term, a step forward will need to be taken so that you can feel confident enough to have your son at your home for longer than a few hours visit. You are his Dad, and you also play a vital role in his childhood too.
I hope things work out for you.
Kind Regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
Your concern about false allegations is real, but, it is not your childs fault and is something you need to be able to manage without impacting your son.
It's hard, but, try to stop worrying about false allegations. Deny and move on.
Unless you have a serious concern for your childs welfare or need a contact arrangement made as an order, my advice, is to do whatever you can to keep out of court the court process.
Advice given in previous post is on the nail.
The only relationship that is important is the one that you have with your child.
Have a look at the CAFCASS website for information with regard co-parenting.
Sorry if this message comes across as preacy - I've been there and understand your worry and frustration, don't let false allegations eat you up.