[Solved] Anger Issues

Hi

Firstly, welcome to Dadtalk and I hope you are going to find it helpful. It sounds as if you and your kids have all been through a tough time and I can imagine just how daunting it must be for you to be raising your boys by yourself. As you say, they haven't come out of it unscathed and must be feeling very confused, angry and stressed emotionally. This is reflected in their behaviour.

What children need to thrive and grow above all else is unconditional love. It's the absolute security of knowing they're loved and valued good days and bad days that gives them confidence. Children crave loving attention, but their need for their parents' attention is so great that, if they can't get loving attention, they'll go for any attention, even if this involves punishment.

That's why it's so helpful to make the effort to pay your children attention when they are being good, and not just reward bad behaviour by making a big fuss over it. Especially on a busy day or when you're tired, it's so easy to slip into the habit of ignoring the kids as long as they're playing quietly and pleasantly, and just direct your attention at them when they start misbehaving. So far as is humanly possible, try to make time for your kids before they get bored enough to play up. Pay as little attention to bad behaviour as possible, but do take a firm line over it.

It's a great help as a parent if you can keep a sense of proportion and a sense of humour. If you're under a great deal of strain and know that it's affecting the way you relate to your children, do get help. You can phone Parentline (0808 800 2222, www.parentlineplus.org.uk ) 24 hours a day.

I hope this helps.

Hi Mutley

I think Mikey gives some really sound advice there. I would echo what he says about trying not to rise to their bad behaviour and also to reflect on where it may be coming from, rather than dealing with the behaviour in isolation.

The only thing I can relate to it but very different from, what you and your kids are going through....about 3 years ago I was extremely ill (on the edge of will he/wont he) and for approx. 7 months my son (3 at the time) effectively did not have a dad. I was around but could not do anything with him. During that time he was so aggressive and my wife did find him very difficult. Upto then he was what anyone would call normal child. His whole sleep pattern went out of the window along with other things.
It has taken us until within the last 6 months, to really feel that we have got things back to where they were in terms of sleep patterns and him not clinging to his mom all the time. He seemed to be expecting me to disappear again.

So advice would be to give lots of love and understand that they may almost expect that they may lose you to your wife or other happen.

S.

Hi

From a woman's point of view, staying calm ( which I know from experience is difficult) and giving them time to express themselves works well.

They will feel angry - as will you - as an adult when you can see a situation escalating , which can happen very quickly try distraction techniques. For example if they decide to try and take it out on each other ( which they will) pick a favourite activity they like a computer game or just a walk to the park - and just go for it there and then, They will be so surprised they will forget the argument.

All of this will take time and a lot of patience on your part, I wish you luck.

Come back to the forum any time and let us know how you are getting on, also our site contains useful advice that might help. Most of all other parents can help with advice and sometimes just an open ear is all that is required.

Mags

Thank you to those that have taken the time to answer my post. I have found the advise usful and I hope that it will help me get my boys back on track. I am lucky in the fact that I have always had a very close bond with my children, I've always shown them plenty of affection, if I can group that with a healthy dose of patience I'm sure that they'll be alright in the end. Again thank you very much.

Hi Mutley

All kids will try to push the boundaries and go through this - keep doing the right thing and reward good behaviour as well as the non-acceptance of poor behaviour. It does get better - and I think the fact theat they have some stability will help.

Keep us posted how you are getting on as other Dad will encounter this and your advice will be useful to them

Mario

Hello! Perhaps try some positive discipline methods.. This short free advice film on positive discipline might help- http://bit.ly/bUtfsh Hope so and good luck!

Dear mutley365,
You are likely to get fantastic tips and advcice from the moderators, raising kids is not found in any text book. It is not a quick fix and the advice you will get from childline or parent advice group can sometimes be theoretical. I bet you are saying to yourself Thanks for the help !! Do you know the children may be acting out because their mother is not living with them despite what has happened to her? Aboundant love and discipline comes in all forms, everyday you will begin to learn a little bit more about your children based on your decisions and actions you take. Some will be positive and others may be counterproductive maybe even for short while nevertheless take those steps as long as it it for their proper upbringing. Relationship is a long process so be patient when you feel like hurrying, be tolerant when you have a different view, and be strong in times of tough decision even when you have to say yes or no that may upset others
Regards koka