Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this forum so firstly hello and thank you to anyone who can provide advice.
So, typical story that I'm sure everyone has seen before and therefore apologies if I'm repeating.
Split up with my Ex-Wife around 2 years ago, I have three beautiful and amazing kids whom I love more than anything, almost straight away the issues with the kids became apparent and she started cutting access, preventing calls, slating me to them, constant attempts to argue in front of them and accuse me of all and sundry as if I'd suddenly overnight become this irresponsible and untrustworthy father (so far from the truth) and generally following the usual alienation path a lot of people have experience.
The good thing, I quickly took control to prevent it becoming a pattern and therefore took her to court and was successful in getting a court order against her to maintain access to my kids as I got sick of having to justify my role as the kids dad.
Where I'm left however is the section of the court order which essentially says we won't bad mouth each other in front of the kids, with the added section to include third parties (as her whole family were at it). Unfortunately, that section is a recital and therefore can't be enforced. My ex wife and her family continue to slate me, with false accusations, implying I'm a terrible father and calling me all kinds of things.
It's culminated to the recent COVID-19 lockdown where due to my work I've been unable to see them for their own safety. My ex wife however has consistently ignored the rules and continued to put them at risk taking them to friends, family and out to places. I managed to keep my cool until recently where my eldest told me at the height of lockdown he was sent to her family for being naughty, which is extremely dangerous. I could have said a lot of things but all I did was wince...at this point I was called all the names under the sun, in front of my kids and how I've not seen them etc etc. She also insists on holding the phone during my contact time and interjects into my conversations with them.
I'm left with the question, how do I stop her from turning my kids against me? I can't enforce the court order but she's continuing to do all the things I took her to court for. Do I contact social services? Is that a viable option?
I've tried talking to her but it's pointless. I have remained calm, polite and have refrained from reacting but I need to do something. Please help?
I'm sorry this is so long but I'm hopeful as a group I can get some advice. Thank you
Im afraid, at the end of the day and practically speaking, there is not much you can do about these things. It’s hard to gather evidence of this kind, the court won’t want to ‘waste their time’ with he said she said.
This is basically your ex acting like an [censored]. You cannot order your way out of that.
So what to do? Rise above the fray. Be positive with your kids - have a fun time, act as if that negativity doesn’t exist. Kids reflect those around them and they’ll catch on to your behaviour as the fun positive parent. And that’s what they need in their lives.
I have to say I agree with Flyingember. Unless you have a body of concrete evidence (such as emails, voicemail messages, witness statements etc) it's hard to argue this point in court, as she'll simply deny it all and in all likelihood throw in all sorts of accusations off her own.
Tough as it is, what you're doing now (being calm, positive and child-focused) is the best response to someone who won't be reasoned with (that along with keeping all contact between you and her as minimal as possible).
I've long come to the conclusion that my son's mum is deeply unhappy, and seeks out opportunities for conflict as a way of making herself feel better, so I keep my contact level with her as minimal as possible. Your ex similarly sounds as if something is lacking in her life, so she's throwing her weight around to make herself feel better without caring about the impact on the children. Some people think it's all about them. People who are happy and/or focused on the well-being of their children, don't behave in this manner.
Continue being the positive parent -children take in more than you think, particularly as they get older and you remain in the frame as a model of responsible behaviour that contradicts any negative narrative.
hi,
as the previous posters suggested, remain positive and child-focused. as the father, you are irreplaceable to your kids. kids are such resilient creatures. after all the madness of a family break-up, court action and having to deal with hostile ex partner and their family, your treatment and behaviour towards your kids will shine through. don't worry. i spent the weekend with my kids for first time in 3 months. they turned up with around 20 greeting cards/letters. all about how much they missed me and how they were waiting such a long time to see me :cheer:
they were kept away from me with the covid excuse, and despicable mother said if i wanted phone contact, then hand over a phone and pay for data. I am not allowed to use her wifi :p
Hi All,
Sorry for the delay in replying, Father's Day weekend and like Bill337 I haven't seen them for 3 months though for genuine reasons unlike the reason I believe Bill337 has been given.
I took had three overjoyed kids with me all weekend with cards and presents, and also a lot of anger towards me because of everything their mother has been saying about me too them so it took me half the weekend to calm them down and undo everything she's done for the last three months...my eldest was awful and all because his mother has been drilling into him how little I care etc, as well as her family.
We're currently going through the Form E stage of the divorce at the moment so that's kicked a whole new wave of nastiness and snide remarks during calls with the kids. She won't be happy because I plan on moving in with my new partner in the next 6 months, whom the kids absolutely adore and get on with her kids, so no doubt another fresh period of abuse and child alienation on the way!
Does it ever end? Does a level of normality and civilness (not a word I know) ever come for the benefit of the kids or do I have to resign myself to the fact that my kids are going to have awful thinks drilled into them for the next 15 years about how awful I am, what a terrible father I am etc?
Honestly, genuinely scared that over the years the kids will hate/resent me and not for any reason other than because of her nasty vindictive attitude with no basis to any of the things she says.
As Toks said, she's obviously not happy in her life and seeks to make mine a misery....I fear one day she'll win and the kids will be alienated from me, despite them being my absolute world
Thanks to everyone's comments and support, it's appreciated and a great forum 🙂
i would say the best way to prevent kids being alienated is to remain in their lives, and keep seeing them regularly.
I agree - the best thing you can give them is time and attention. Do not put their mother down in any way, in fact don't mention her if possible other than "admin" tasks.
My children (who live/lived with me after the first couple of years with my ex) had very little contact with their mother, but that was purely her own doing - my children tried to maintain contact, but after a couple of days each time, she would become bitter in her texts or messages, and my kids didn't want to hear that, so eventually my daughters blocked her entirely, and my son hadn't seen her for a couple of years, all despite my kids giving her lots of chances.
So if you keep good contact with your children, they will learn very quickly that any bitterness is not down to you.
When I got the court order against her I succeeded with every other weekend due to work, shared school holidays etc. so works out about almost half the year. In addition I get three calls a week, which used to be every day but she cut that down without warning and without any reasons other than to be difficult. My calls with the kids include her as she insists on holding the phone, so it's very difficult to try have a honest and good relationship between time spent with me because they don't feel comfortable talking openly in front of her.
Honestly, it's just so frustrating and upsetting
you did pretty well with the level of contact - she'll probably get bored of holding the phone, so stick with it.
Thanks...don't get me wrong, I wanted more but then I had to be realistic and commit to what I can actually achieve...if I'd promised more, I'd have ended up letting the kids down due to work which would have been detrimental to my relationship with them. At the end of the day, their mother doesn't realise that people have to earn the crazy amount of money child maintenance costs, to then be spent on herself...another frustration of mine, the money is for the kids but very little is spent on them, and no control over that.
She's all about control, and now we aren't together I believe it's driving her mad that she's no longer got the hold, and therefore the only way to control me is by using the kids, particularly knowing that they are everything to me.
When she wants more money, or something else, it's always a sentence that involves the kids, as an attempt to guilt trip me as they are my weakness if that makes sense?
Argh! This is so infuriating, especially when she knows I'm a great dad who loves them to bits, but like many, has weaponised them to her benefit.
try to take back control as much as possible - don't jump to reply to messages if she sends them, do it in your own time. And don't let her see that she's getting to you - if you can do it, it's actualy quite satisfying for you to see her frustration at not being able to control you - get on with your life and enjoy it, she is in the past - just deal with the arrangements as you need to and enjoy your time with your kids.