I saw there was another similar thread, but wanted to post separately as I can see what's causing the problem, but I'm not sure how to solve it, as my ex has a personality disorder and it's impossible to talk to her.
My five year old daughter is an absolute angel for me. She has a few wobbly moments, as you'd expect with a five year old, but generally she flies up the behavior chart I have for her here - I've even contemplated taking it down.
However, she screams at, shouts at, kicks, hits, and bites her mum. It has become clear that this is for several reasons: her mum doesn't have the boundaries that I have for my daughter here, her mum is continually fighting with her partner (also has a personality disorder) which both causes upset to my daughter as well as teaches her that that kind of behaviour is acceptable, my ex neglects my daughter, she verbally abuses me and harasses me in front of my daughter which upsets her, and she talks to my daughter about adult matters which then worry my daughter (daddy 'taking mummy to court' for example).
My daughter is well behaved for everyone else too, school included. It's only her mum she misbehaves for.
Her school teacher told me the other day that mum had been in to raise concern that things were rocky between us, and that she was concerned it may affect my daughter's behavior at school. The teacher, whilst doing her best to remain neutral and be diplomatic, said that my daughter is really happy at school and there's no issue with her behaviour (which I knew), and that she felt that there was some anxiety being thrown around at mum's home, but that it wasn't my daughter creating it (which I also knew).
As I said, there's absolutely no talking to or reasoning with my ex. Mediation on other matters has failed twice. It's got to the point with her that co-parenting is no longer an option for us, and the best thing I can do for my daughter is just concentrate on being a good father to her (my ex will do what she wants how she wants when she wants whatever).
Today my daughter told me on her own accord that she had been mean to mummy this week, and had been screaming at her. She said it was because she didn't want mummy to go to court (my ex told her 'daddy is taking me to court' - I haven't said anything, because it's not for a five year old to worry about). As with other times she's been naughty. whatever she has said is the reason she's done it, she's found it hard to articulate further so that I can offer her some help. I always tell her I'm here if she ever wants to talk and so is her teacher if she'd prefer to talk to her, and if she feels upset with anything at all to try and hold her screaming, etc, back, and instead hold onto it and wait until she is here to talk to me about it, or at school to talk to the teacher.
I'm a bit unsure where to go next with this. There's a part of me that thinks 'well, there's not much more I can do' but it also upsets me to know my daughter is going through this distress when I drop her back to her mum and then behaving in a way that is so out of character for her (although, I can empathise with how stressful it is living with someone like her mum and I know how much that builds up inside a person). I wondered if anyone had any ideas? Or if we're stuck in a rut here, and it's just a case of waiting until my daughter is old enough to tell her mum to p*ss off, which will inevitably happen.
Hi there
I think youre doing as much as you can at the moment, you're involving her school and it's great that they are on board, the teacher has some insight into home life with her mum and want to help.
On the subject of behaviour charts, I do think they fulfil a role if the child has behavioural issues, but from what you say, she is as good as gold when she's with you, is there any need to continue with it in that case? Perhaps the focus might be better moved away from her behaviour at this point.
You could think about introducing a worry plaque, my grandson has one that he uses when he's anxious or worried about something. You can also buy a worry monster soft toy that has a zippy mouth, the child can write their worries and put them inside the toy, in effect eating their worries. There are several products on the market that help children with their worries, it might be worth doing a little research about which might suit your child.
All the best
Thanks for your reply.
After I posted last night I did some more research, and knowing my daughter is obsessed with drawing, we did a drawing exercise this morning to help her communicate what's going on at mum's without me having to ask anything direct. It showed that there is mainly anger and sadness, and the occasional bit of happiness, where as when she is with me it showed that she was just happy and having fun (I made sure she knew it wasn't a test and there was no wrong answer, and that I wouldn't be upset if she did feel any bad feelings when she's at mine). I also found a few useful 'tools' to give her to 'take back to mum's' to help relieve some of the anger her mum and partner make her feel. Time will tell as to how she gets on with this new knowledge, but it was a positive step in helping her deal with things anyway.
I have been thinking about taking down the behavior chart for a while now. I have only really left it up because my daughter is very excited to reach the top of the chart, at which point she can choose a treat for herself. But I'm tempted to say set a few goals instead, like trying her best at school, and then at half term she can have the treat if she's done well, or something...
The worry monster and plaque sound cool. I will have a look into stuff like that as that sounds like it could be useful. Thanks for your help.
Hello Semifinalist87, from reading this and further comments, it sounds like you have been doing your very best for your daughter and her well being in challenging circumstances. How are things now she is a year older? Fegans and Care For The Family are great charities who offer all kinds of help for all kids of situations. Just google the names and you will see. Keep up the good work. Kind regards, Parent Support Volunteer, Fegans
Hi Clarinet,
Thanks for your response. I will be sure to check out those charities.
My daughter is 7 now. The issue is ultimately still there, and I feel it will be until my daughter is an adult, but even then it will be a case of her having the strength to release herself from the ties of her mother.
I haven't heard any more in terms of the kicking and hitting behaviour that was going on before. It could be that my daughter used the 'tools' I gave her and that stopped, or that I just haven't been hearing about it. I have just been keeping an eye on things as best as I can. Recently I have been talking to my daughter on Skype though, whilst she has been at her mum's home, and I have seen that she does act a bit different in her mum's home, and I have unfortunately had to discipline my daughter more than I'd like during our video calls. It seems that bad behaviour is more accepted in her mum's home. Her mum has also been inducing a lot of loyalty conflict which more recently has resulted in my daughter treating me with a lot of disrespect which was upsetting. I have managed to speak to my daughter about it now, and I am hoping it won't continue. I imagine once I am seeing her properly again (I've mentioned my current contact issues in another more recent post), and she is having some more positive influence on a regular basis, that her behaviour towards me will improve. It is a huge worry for me though that my ex may turn her against me over the years.
Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on. Just keep on being as positive as you can with your daughter, make memories, give her security and when she becomes older she will remember this. As difficult as it can be, try to take it one day at a time. Best wishes, Clarinet.