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Hi guys, hopefully you can help.
Recently, I've found myself taking a new direction in life. I'm 28 and have decided to go back to Uni to complete an honours degree so have signed myself in for 4 years. Although this is mightily positive, I can't help but feel I've trapped my wife somewhere where she feels is not right for her and have taken away her options. My feelings have always been pretty clear in my head, I want to get a good degree so I can get a well paid job that I enjoy doing so I can provide for my family (I guess like my dad did). Except what I don't want is for the same to happen to me and my wife as what happened to my folks. They divorced when I was 14/15 and I don't think I've found the right time to forgive them so whenever it comes to pivotal decisions in my life I find a lot of the time I take the easy one.
This is where I stand now, I find myself kicking up a fuss about little things like a teenager and the only reason I can think is that I never really had a chance to get it out my system when I WAS a teenager because of what happened with my parents. I want to be more mature and take on responsibilities but I still also always have the fear that I'll make the wrong decision and cause harm to my family. I know for a fact that my wife is getting sick and tired of my ways but what I want right now is to be excited about uni and for her to be excited too but I find her disappointed that we are going to be near where we are for the next 4 years. She has given up a lot for us and sacrifices aplenty whether they were material or psychological. She doesn't think I appreciate it but I always have. I just wish I knew how to return the favour.
I know it is a lot of muddled garbage right now but I'm hoping that some of you have some great advice as to how to get my life back on track.
Thanks,
Thom
Hi Thom and welcome
I would say well done for the fact that you accept that it may be your behaviour that is part of the issue (not necessarily all of it). I think that the best thing is communication - have you actually sat down away from children and all other disturbances and just talked about how your wife feels? It might be a good starting point.
Have you also considered relate - you don't have to wait until there is an imminent break-up to speak to them, and if you wish, we can ask them to pop on here and give some advice.
Hi Thom
Fact of the matter is you can see the writing on the wall. Life is a compromise and, from what you've said thus far, I have to say it seems like you are taking far more than you're giving and that does not bode well.
Much as you wish for things to happen, and in your time scales, being in a relationship is not about being stood toe to toe (perhaps in your case back to back) but far more shoulder to shoulder looking out into the world.
Before you swan off and do what YOU want, you have to get the blessing of the person who is supposedly the love of your life. Please don't excuse your behaviour by going on about childhood as many of us have been there, done it and got the scars to prove it. For me the way forward is to decide what your real priority is - you or your family. Once you have that the rest follows.
David
Wow, fair play for looking at some tough issues full in the face. I can relate to what you're saying about wanting to provide for your family and do work that is at the level of your abilities. Is your degree choice directly leading to a specific job? Did you discuss this move with your wife in detail?
It seems like you are talking about 2 issues in your post, not totally a mess but to be clear: on one hand sounds like you've taken a really tough decision to improve you're career and you realised it has some consequences for your wife too (OK, good to face that!). On the other hand, is that what you mean by "kicking up a fuss"? Or is that more the way you are handling it?
I find it is a helpful start to separate out the practicalities from the way you are dealing with them (as much as that is ever possible) at least to think it through...
You are doing well, first only focus on your career, don't think about any thing. You can manage your family with some part time job after completion of your degree you will be able to handle all the problems.
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