I am separated from his mother and my 27 month old son has been saying to her that he doesn't want to come and see me recently which I find v upsetting. He used to really like it and run to me. I don't think she is making it up to get at me because when he's with me he sometimes cries for his mama and I have to calm him down. If it were really bad I'd take him back to her but it usually passes when he absorbs into something else.
We have both talked to other freinds with kids of the same age ('terrible twos') and they report similar issues of not wanting to be with one parent and then the next day not with the other and of playing one parent off against the other. With us it is different because we are not together and he has to come to me at regular times.
I think his mother is generally a bit too molly coddling and over concerned but she's a good mother and by the same token although I want to give him perhaps stricter parameters I don't want to force him to do stuff screaming against his will.
What can I do in such a situation? Is it a natural phase? How long does it last?
Advice from people who have been through this kind of situation would be much appreciated. Many thanks.
Hi there
Im pretty sure it will just be a phase hes going through. I think you are right not to rise to it and take him back as that will only make it worse.
As you've noted, children can play up like this with both parents, even when they're together, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
As you say, he settles down when his attention is averted, so make sure you have plenty of things to draw his attention away when he gets upset.
He's getting older all the time and his independence will grow too. If he goes to nursery, is there the same behaviour when hes dropped off there?
I think you just have to be patient, distract him and make his time with you lots of fun. Perhaps you can change the handover points, maybe choose to do it in a park or play area.
All the best
This is the age where children are testing boundaries, including playing parents off against each other. You have correctly noticed that it is seeking attention, and it's working, but if manage it, then it's not unhealthy. Make sure there is plenty for him to do when he sees you, so that he associates meeting you with good things and he'll get through this stage soon enough.
Many thanks for your sage responses.
I hope things pass, it is very normal behaviour at the age, regardless of the circumstance. My son went through that and it was with anyone and everyone. It did pass though.
I went through a similar thing with my daughter at about 3 years old. She's 5 now, and she still doesn't run to greet me like she used to, is still clingy with mummy at handover, and still has the odd little cry saying she misses mummy, but it's not as bad as it was, which was full on melting down.
This might not apply to you, but it's worth considering. I say that as you mention mum mollycoddling him. My ex mollycoddles my daughter (when it suits her), and has drilled it into my daughter's head that she can't manage without mummy. It's really upsetting to see. How I've dealt with is to try and maintain a balance between being tender and listening to her, and doing what you're doing - distracting her with different conversation or activity. I found too much of one and not enough of the other didn't help me personally. If was overly 'concerned', it fuelled my daughter's yearning for her mum, and if I completely ignored it and just did the distraction technique, she was getting more upset because she felt like she was being ignored.
The other thing my ex was doing, which I figured out after a while, was she was making my daughter feel like mummy wasn't going to be okay without her. So a lot of it, and to this day, has been about my daughter worrying that mummy is feeling 'sad' without her, or possibly in danger. I found out just by gently asking her 'Do you worry about mummy being by herself?'. Again, i might not apply, but it's something to consider. Knowing that has helped me deal with it, as as soon as I hear 'I miss mummy' I am able to say 'Mummy's okay, you'll see her again tomorrow', etc, and that usually does the trick. Knowing that has also made me feel a lot better. because I was worried that my daughter didn't enjoy seeing me for a while, even though she has a great time generally.
Try not to take it to heart, I know it's hard to. It's probably a phase, and your son might be starting to get a bit more aware of the situation, which might be making things difficult for him. Or if you think you might be in a similar position to me, then can rest assured that you're not the issue, and start tackling it from another angle.