Hi,
I need some advice. My ex abused me in every which way possible. Only some of my family members, and a couple of friends know this. There are a lot of people who don't know, and a lot of people who are still friendly with my ex. There are even a couple of people who have taken her side.
I've never spoke out to all these people, because to be honest, no one has taken an interest, at least not enough to ask me what's happened, I'm not sure what they've assumed, but it feels as though they think everything is fine with me, and with my ex.
This morning I've woken up thinking about these people who are still involved in a friendly way with my ex. People I've known for a long time. People who comment on my ex's social media feed and 'like' her pictures (I don't make a habit for this, but I had to access it for some evidence - it's a public account open for all to see), All this made me feel very upset, angry, let down, and betrayed in a way. Because I know what she's done.
So feeling fed up of this, and feeling a huge injustice (if they only knew what she was like and the things she did to me!), I though 'that's it, I've had enough of this' and started to write a short post on Facebook. Nothing too detailed, just saying I felt it was time I spoke up, and there's some awareness around domestic abuse towards men. Like maybe that might hint that I'm not okay, and I want the truth out there. However, I haven't yet clicked 'post', because I'm worried about any backlash. I'm worried that these people who are still connected to her might tell her what that I've started speaking out, and she might start making the false accusations of me public on her own social media, or she might just find out (I've blocked her and all her close friends and family) and she could start getting abusive.
But I'm finding it too hard to stay silent for any longer. Any thoughts how to deal with this. I genuinely believe that most of these friends that are still connected with my ex aren't taking her side, they just don't have any idea what's actually happened, so it's not like I can just say '[censored] em'.
Hi there
I totally get how you must be feeling, and how it makes you feel every time you see friends interact with her. To be honest, are they truly friends if they haven't bothered to find out how you are, or speak to you about it?
Sometimes people just don't want to get involved in the details of others personal lives. Liking and reacting to photos is something we will all do automatically, it doesn't have any real meaningfulness in the scheme of things most of the time, but because it's so personal to you, it impacts you much more.
Putting it out on social media whilst you're stil feeling vulnerable is risky, there are people out there on social media that seem to relish confrontation; the same people that would probably say nothing to your face!
The way you are feeling is too important to be laid bare, you need to do some healing and build your emotional strength, if you get attacked for sharing it will make things worse for you right now... just my opinion. There are groups that help men affected by domestic violence, perhaps you could seek help that way, or ask your GP for a referral for counselling. Once you're strong enough, there's nothing to stop you showing public support for male victims and doing that may help you in your recovery.
You also don't need her getting to hear about it, which is likely, she's capable of retaliation and would probably get pretty vocal and make her version of things public, as you yourself mention.
All the best
I agree with everything you've said. There is a lot of risk of backlash and her making false accusations public. In regards to what you said about true friends, then in that respect, I guess I only have one. I think I'm in a lot disbelief that people have reacted, or rather not reacted, the way they have.
I have a had a couple of courses of free counselling, and I'm on another waiting list for more. I get some support from the Plymouth Domestic Abuse Service as well. I felt that sharing it, at least with those friends who have drifted away, might give some strength, it's just risky. There's a part of me that is very upset that my ex has got away with what she has done too, and I'm feeling desperate for people to see her for who she really is.
We rarely feel better after acts of revenge... it's an instant gratification that fades almost immediately, to be replaced by more sadness and bitterness... it's self perpetuating.
The best revenge you can have is to get yourself back on track and leave all the nastiness in the past, where it belongs... she is anchored in her nastiness, you don't have to be. Heal and grow and she will be eating your dust!
If you want to share it with particular friends, do it in person and in private, if you let them know how you're hurting and they still carry on, then they aren't worth bothering with.
Think about joining a club, maybe gingerbread for single parents...have you ever fancied painting or pottery... Or perhaps photography, or dining out ... it's a great way to make new friends.
All the best mate.
I hadn't thought of it like revenge, but I see what you mean.
My trouble is, I have physical health conditions which have got increasingly worse over the years as a result of the [censored] my ex has put me through both in and out of the relationship, so it's physically difficult for me to get out and about to meet anyone.
I'm friendly with a few mum and dads at my daughter's school, but I'm not able to follow up on that with play dates, etc, as my health generally means I have to cancel everything all the time, and then people get fed up and I don't hear from them again.
I appreciate I'm in a tricky spot. Even doctors don't know what to do with me. But not having any escape isn't helping me psychologically.