[Solved] Am I paying too much or being Greedy and bitter...

Hi There,

Welcome to the site.

Ok i will try and answer bit by bit.

a) After the event - did I get lucky on the settlement with her paying me off ?

I guess you managed to get a 3rd of the equity which isn't a bad result really

b) According to the CSA calculator I probably am paying too much maintenance but even if I make the argument that the situation has changed regarding her finances, could she try and come back after me for part of my Pension pot and potentially part of my new house ?

Her finances don't come into the calculation for csa payments that comes down to your wage only, if you have a final settlement divorce which it sounds like you do then she can't come after you for anything other than csa payments, and thats the same for you, anything she has stays hers.

c) Even if I'm covered in b) should I try to reduce the amount on a moral basis - I feel I'm paying towards the lifestyle of my ex and new fella rather than just my daughters needs - I'd much rather pay less and make an arrangement to pay into an account for her future that I know has come from me - at present her savings that we used to put into reguarly have come to a halt.

It sounds as though your ex is living with enough money to be able to take a cut in csa payments that said though be careful of the way you do this as it could end up impacting your contact with your daughter, also consider the court agreed finacial award she was given when you divorced, normally the court can only hold this financial agreement for 12 months but there may have been a cluase written in to keep it in place for longer. Even if there isn't you need to give notice of change before changing the payment. Like I said I don't know what sort of contact you have with your daughter but as you haven't mentioned it I would assume its good with no problems, changing the finances may effect your ex's thoughts on this (we see this a lot on the site) so approach this carefully and discuss with your ex, I'd say that as your offering to pay the difference into your daughters savings it may not cause too much of an issue.

Hope this helps, it's only from my experience when I divorced.

Hope you manage to get sorted and good luck with your new lady.

Stick around and join the chat.

Darren

Thanks Darren for the prompt reply.

Just a quick follow up... if it aids anyone else getting context on my situation if similar for others.

Understand the reality of who pays what and the proportion into a relationship ultimately has no bearing on what he/she may "expect" to get out of it in the event of Divorce - from all the reading up on this and from what her solitcitor said at the time is it really the case that someone in my situation could have been forced out of house and home without any "compensation" for what he has done in contributing (ie paying mortgage, house improvements, contents etc etc etc) ? Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I should have had more than a fair share but is a third really a fair share ??

My Ex constantly reminds me of the fact that she was being generous in paying me off - which naturally winds me up no end and despite the fact that she's sitting on 100k of equity.

I'm fortunate that I live relatively close to my daughter, and there are no issues with Contact or her staying with me - we agreed on the current arrangements (two evenings after school, every other long weekend Fri Eve-Mon Morning, blocks of days over the school hols) would be the most practical, we try and keep it flexible for the occasion when it suits to swap things around - I'd be happy to have her overnight in the week as I have flexible working arrangements but so far in terms of ensuring things are consistent for daughter getting ready for school unless it's by exception she stays at my ex's.

As usual it does come down to the day to day Money situation - it just does grate more and more that I seem to be paying more than I need to into a household which now has two earners and so could be seen as contributing to their new life style.

As you saying playing hard-ball now could lead to a (further) breakdown in relationship with my ex - so it is a tough one. Although I'm in a good job now - who knows what the future will bring and so paying less and saving more just seems more reasonable from my side.

Thanks for the advice though - one final probably naive question.

What exactly consistutes a full and final divorce settlement ? - We didn't fill in a FORM E (I think it's called), so the divorce papers were really around reason for divorce, child arrangements etc etc. Not who got what out the various pots such as house, pensions etc.

Excellent site BTW - I've picked up loads of other tips and shall be adding my 10penneth of advice where I can...

I

Hi

It's great you have managed to get such good terms of contact with your daughter as that for many of us has been the biggest challenge.

It seems mad that although 1 party in the relationship can pay less (or nothing at all) towards mortgage, bills and up keep of a house they are still entitled to a share of the property, becuase they work part time (or again not at all) they care for the children and keep house (or are seen to be anyway) this falls into them contributing the the household and allowing the working party to work full time and bring in a better wage.

When I left my ex, we pretty much paid similar money into the household account, but I left with nothing to start with and had to fight for over 18 months to get some money out of the equity in the property, the whole time I was fighting I had to continue to pay half the mortgage on a house I wasn't living in and also child miantenance payments too, after I managed to get removed from the mortgage I took less than 1/4 of the equity of the house and only then had to agree to pay over the csa calculated amount to make this happen.

What I would say is although it grates to pay more than you should and you may be able to drop this amount by using CSA calculator and it may be worth having the conversation with your ex to see how it goes, Maybe go in with the idea of paying the extra into your daughters account for her future. But keep in mind that if you end up in a situation of your ex trying to react by hindering contact it may cost more (in money and emotions) in the long run.

Darren