[Solved] My ex has just put the CSA onto me , advice please

Hi there and welcome 🙂

I am sorry that you are feeling so stressed out Steve. You mention that you've always paid whilst working, does that mean that you arn't right now? If you are unemployed then you dont have to pay maintenance.

Its a vicious circle, nor sleeping or eating properly, and if these basics arnt taken care of then you will feel worse. I'm not going to preach at you but your daughter needs you to be fit and well....you must be a big and very important part of her life, and at ten years old she will be aware of changes in you and will worry about you if she feels you are not yourself. I'm sure you wouldn't want to burden her in this way, and so you must try and pull yourself out of this downward spiral. Excercise is always a good antedote, either a trip to the gym or some serious jogging! This will improve your appetite, tire you out and help you to sleep better too. Try and keep busy, dont give yourself time to worry and fret. Take it one day at a time...

When my brother died last september, I joined this forum and started to try and help others with advice where I could, or just give support and some kind words, it really helped me at the same time! I think when things are looking bleak, helping others will help get you through... 🙂

Hi Steve,

Just wanted to stop by and say what you're going through is terrible and very personal to you.....it may seem like on one around you can help you or at times that you can't see light at the end of the tunnel.
it will work out better as time goes on...

the CSA are a shocking organisation to deal with.....if you can prove all you payments to you ex then you've nothing to worry about. if you've paid her "cash in hand" thats a bit of an issue.....if you have paid her "cash in hand" do you think you could get her to sign to say that until the day she contacted them that you have paid?
if you've paid via your bank then you have a record of it and you need not worry too much.

regarding struggling day to day.....i for one know what you're going through......but at least you get to see your child every couple of weeks! try reading what a few other dads are going through....months and years since some have seen their kids......false allegations that have delayed them seeing their kids......evil ex's just out for revenge using the kids to hurt the father of their kids for no other reason than that is the only way they can hurt the kids father!!!

i really don't mean for this to sound condesending and i'm sorry if it does but i'm trying to say that when i first started going through my [censored] i thought i was the only one.....no one else could see what i was going through or help me......then i found this site and realised i'm not on my own....there are many fathers going through the same or much worse than i have.

i've found that what i've been going through i've been able to write about and advise others who are just starting to go through it and need that reassurance and experience from us here who are constantly fighting their ex's and the system to see our precious children and be the fathers to them we know we can be but are being prevented doing.

i've found just talking to people here has been a great outlet to vent my frustrations and to seek help for me to get my head around the events as they have gone on.

its taken me a long time to get to where i am now....there were days i cannot work out how i got out of bed.....there are still days where i find myself holding in my tears when i see a father walking with his child in the shops.

weekends are worst for me......i avoid going past parks or places i've been where there have been more kids with families.....when i see a family with young kids out in town i can't help but feel a little sadness come over me.....knowing thats what i'm missing out on....i've found myself sat in a carpark getting so upset in my car that i've been too shaky to drive just becasue i've seen a father helping his chid get in to or out of the car.

It does get better pal....with time....i know you're thinking right now it won't but it will...

3yrs 1mth ago when i decided to leave my ex...i never thought i'd have been put through 3yrs of [censored]......looking back to 2yrs3mths ago when i issued legal proceedings against my ex i could never have imagined what she put and continues to try and put me through.......but it is getting better....had you said this to me18mth ago i'd have told you that you know nothing and i was ready to give up......but....just seeing my son after 4mths smile at me when he saw me and hug me tight made me buck my ideas up and get my head out of my [censored].

this site has been a great place for me......i'm not gonna be dramtic and say it saved me from doing something stupid...but it has been a great place to be able to chat and get help...and it turn share my experiences and help others.

if things are seriously that bad try going and having a chat with your GP....they can help in many ways...they can point you in direction of someone to talk to....councillors....etc...

Thanks for your words ,,, it puts things into perspective when you realise that things could be much worse than they are . My heart truly go's out to anyone whom is denied the right to even see their child no matter what age . Your tale is is heartbreaking to say the least , my worry is purely financial if I am honest , my ex bled me dry whilst in our relationship running up rediculous shopping bills and any savings I had were decimated by her spending habits of which I could not curb . I am lucky in that I get to see her fortnightly which is better than a lot I realise , like I say I had to buy her out the house and gave her £20,000 payment of which put my mortgage up to £100,000 which I am crippled by , but my house will be my daughters one day and thats the only reason for saddling myself with it . Recently I lost my job to which the DWP gave me £23 a week as I do a bit Dj'ing here and there so got crucified for that , the mortgage company hit me for 3 full £600 payments also which again crippled me , then I got a heating engineer out for a routine service on my ducted air heating and he condemned it , that was over a year and a half ago and still I have non . I rang for a crisis loan whilst unemployed only to be told that even though my daughter slept here fortnightly and it was winter , that this didnt qualify as a crisis . Then the DWP got onto me when I did find work and told me that they overpaid me £150 and wanted it back to which I am ignoring them on principal . I t just seems like it all is getting too much and that is BEFORE the CSA . What do I do I have just got the forms to complete ,,, any advice or tips on getting my head round it ? Thanks for taking time to hear my plight ,,, must be difficult hearing people like me complain when your situation is far worse and for that you have my utmost grattitude .

Thanks for your words and for taking time to answer my post . Sorry to hear about your loss , my concerns seem to be pitiful in comparison to that . As for the exercise I know you are right , I have a back problem and I used to play football and be quite fit , not now however as am in major discomfort most of the day everyday which bothers me as I want to get fitter . I am trying to be positive but sometimes its like a mist descends over me and I am unable to function literally , I can come in from work and as I live alone , just sit and not move , I cant motivate myself to do the simplest of things and yet even though I am aware of it cant seem to break the cycle . The only time I do is when I have my daughter here its so frustrating , anyways just thought I would express my grattitude for you taking time , Dads seem to get the thick end of it and I dont know why , not all are bad , some are actually just wanting to live their life and get by best they can ,,, its heartbreaking .

Honest answer is we are easy targets……..people use and exploit our love and devotion to our children to keep control and gain leverage over us.
It’s a bit like the utility companies who don’t seem to increase the cost of gas and electric in the summer when we don’t use much of it…but increase the cost in winter when we need it the most.

I’ll get down from my soapbox and back to the subject…..

As has been said ….exercise can help but with a bad back I’m guessing swimming may be a better option?
What about Hobbies? Do you have any or did you used to do anything that you could start focusing your evenings on again?

The house I’ve moved in to has a veggie plot laid out…overgrown and needing working on but I’ve got a bit of a plan to get it ready for planting when the winter ends. The idea was to get my little one to help plant the seeds/veg plants and then help look after them from time to time and then when they are ready he can help me dig them out and we can cook them together….it may not happen this year if the ex keeps up her hostilities but its an idea to aim for.

Try setting yourself little goals and targets….but making them achievable.....one of mine last year was to make myself eat better….stop the “sod it I’m going to the chippy or pizza place cos I can’t be bothered to cook” attitude….let yourself go for junk food every now and then but make sure it is every now and then….
I now cook a lot more different meals than I used to….prepping and cooking a decent meal can take 30-40 mins or 1,1/2 hrs….in an evening that gets you away from the tv and sofa!
Meals for one don’t have to be boring! Cook for two or three and freeze the rest…..it all takes time off the sofa and tv…gives you something else to think about too!