[Solved] She hasn't paid, is it worth the fuss!?

Hi Kit 🙂

Well there will be two very different schools of thought on this! There will be some on here that will tell you to go for the jugular and pursue it to the fullest as this is what a mother would do in the same situation... and there will be some on here, including me that will suggest you tread more gently....Having said that, I do feel she should contribute to her children. Contact and maintenance are two seperate issues, when a person goes to court for contact, the court would not be interested if maintenace is paid or not. So the fact that she has been good with the kids recently shouldnt have any bearing on the financial side of things.

I think its to your credit that you have tried to be accommodating and agreed to an informal arrangement for payment of maintenance and it might be a good idea to contact her and remind her of that, you can say that you understand that she may be struggling but it is important that she contribute to her children, give her a length of time to bring your agreement back on track, whatever you feel comfortable with...but also let her know that if she fails to do this you will have no choice but to contact the CSA and have a more formall arrangement put in place. It might be worth mentioning that the CSA will pursue her for the arrears and wont be as understanding so its in her best interests to resolve the situation by paying what she owes and sticking to your agreement.

This is just my opinion and I'm sure you will get differing views here!

Good luck with it and dont forget to let us know what you decide 🙂

I am in a similar position in that I have custody and my ex would pay nothing given the chance, despite the fact that I paid more than the CSA calculation when she originally had custody, always increased the amount when I got a pay rise without her having to ask, and was fully aware that a lot of the money was spent to support her drinking and smoking habits, so when the situation was reversed, I did indeed go for the jugular despite her trying every trick to try avoid paying. However, if she had shown more consideration for the children (like coming to visit when allowed rather than regularly cancelling at the last minute) my view would probably have been different. Ultimately, the choice is yours - perhaps you could speak to her to say she needs to pay you something each week/month otherwise you will go back to the CSA - ultimately, you may not be interested in the money, but if there is any spare, it could go towards helping your children later on in life. I suppose it also comes back to the question as to why your ex is short of money - is she spending just to survive, or is she spending on luxuries etc instead of the children.

Hi Kit.

Thank you for your post. I'm William the Child Maintenance Options consultant.

Your children's mother does have a responsibility to provide regular and reliable financial support for them.

The agreement you have tried to put in place is what we call a family-based arrangement. It is simply an agreement between the two of you about who will provide what for your children. It can include money and other kinds of support, for example providing clothes. A family-based arrangement is not legally binding but can be flexible to meet both of your needs and those of your children.

As your family-based arrangement has broken down, but before you go back to the Child Support Agency (CSA). You and your children's mother may be prepared to try and discuss the issues surrounding the breakdown to get the arrangement back on track. This can be done without involving anyone else, or with the help of friends, family, Child Maintenance Options' guides or a professional mediator.

If either of you has a change in circumstances, such as a change of income, negotiation also plays a big part in ensuring that payments continue. Collaborating to make and keep a child maintenance arrangement can be better for your children.

We have tools, guides and a maintenance calculator on our website that may help as a starting point for working it out between the two of you. You can find this at: http://www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/calculator.asp.

If you are able to continue with your family-based arrangement, you can record the details on our family-based arrangement form. Although this is not a legally enforceable document, it puts the agreement on a more formal basis. You can complete it together with your children's mother and sign your names to show your commitment to this arrangement. You can download the form from our website at http://www.cmoptions.org.

If you are unable to renegotiate your family-based arrangement, you can go back to the CSA. You can set up a 'Direct Pay' arrangement, this is where the CSA calculates child maintenance but the two of you agree how payments will be made. Once they have calculated the maintenance amount, the CSA will not contact either of you again unless someone's circumstances change or if you tell them that your children's mother has missed or fallen behind with her payments.

Alternatively, under the CSA's Collect and Pay service they will calculate, collect and enforce payments on your behalf, as some people prefer the security and help of third party involvement. If a new application is made to the CSA, your children's mother's responsibility to pay would start from around the time that the CSA contact her. So, if you have closed your original case with the CSA, they would not backdate your new case. For confirmation of this, or if you would like to set up maintenance using their service, you can contact them directly. You can also find information about how they work out child maintenance online at http://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance.

You could also consider a Consent Order, which is an official ruling made by a court. To arrange a Consent Order, you and your children's mother need to agree how much child maintenance will be paid and how often before going to court. Arranging a Consent Order can be costly as fees for solicitors, mediators and court costs may apply. Legal Aid will not cover these costs if you are only going to court to obtain a Consent Order for maintenance.

For more information about family-based arrangements and access to useful tools and forms online you can visit http://www.cmoptions.org, or if you would prefer a confidential chat you could call the Child Maintenance Options team on 0800 988 0988 (free from a landline).

There is a new sorting out separation web-app, which aims to make it much easier for separated parents to find the support they need, when and where they need it, and encourages parents to collaborate on a range of issues. The link is http://www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-separation

William.

Thanks for all of your replies, I considered why she may be short of money (as actd pointed out) and after she proudly showed off her new £90 pair of Animal jeans to me when she picked the kids up, I decided that maybe she was not struggling to feed herself.

Again as actd pointed out, it is really my responsibility not only to provide for my children now, but also for the future and making sure that they have savings for education, driving lessons etc

I bit the bullet and advised her that I would go back to CSA arrangements if she did not pay the amount (reduced from CSA payments) that we had agreed on.

So far I have had a lot of the payments and she is still behaving well for the kids 🙂