[Solved] Changing surnames
I'm recently going through a situation where I'm liaising with my solicitor and exes solicitor about child contact, after parting with my ex.
My ex has refused contact, and I have just booked my first mediation session, which is part of the process prior to making a court application.
My solicitor phoned me the other day to say he was very surprised to have revived a hand written letter from my 9 year old son which he states he does not want to see me. He signed the letter by first and surname- the surname being his mothers surname.
The first thing my solicitor pointed out was the fact that he was surprised to have such a letter forwarded by another solicitor, as the letter does show parental alienation. I have not read the letter as he didn't think it was a good idea to send it, but states as a solicitor who deals in family law- does believe he has been influenced. Why on earth would he write such a letter - and sign it, in such a way at that age? Why put a surname on, which seems to have changed.
My solicitor responded to her solicitor by stating she can not have his name changed without my permission
Has anyone any thoughts on this?
Thanks in advance
This must be so upsetting for you, your poor child is being used as a weapon to hurt you, which is utterly unacceptable. Unfortunately, it's far too common and whilst we talk about parental alienation, the courts are slow to acknowledge it is happening and the damage it causes...I personally think it's child abuse and any parent that uses a child in this way should face consequences, that rarely happens.
As far as name changes are concerned, your ex can't change his name officially, but at the moment there's nothing to stop her, or your son from using another name. This can be addressed in court.
I doubt a nine year old child would write such a letter without coercion, it's designed to hurt you, as is the use of another name. You can raise these issues in mediation; if she attends, but with the level of hostility that is being displayed, I wouldn't set too much store by her attendance and court seems the likely outcome.
Mediation relays on cooperation between parents and any agreements reached are not legally binding. It works for some, but where there is hostility it quite often fails.
Best of luck
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and to reply with as much detail as you have.
I haven't read the letter that was sent to my solicitor as he didn't feel it was right to send me it being if the nature that it is.
He just says it mentions that he does not want to see me again, with it being signed by him with a different surname.
I totally agree with you in regards to mediation- that it works for some people but not everyone.
My ex has avoided me and not agreed to acsess since March this year. She has also vastly exaggerated and also fabricated things in which I believe is to build a barrier around herself.
My first appointment is next Wednesday with mediation, in which I attend on my own - but i doubt that she will agree to attend as her solicitor has stated she has refused to agree to contact, as well as any mediation referral.
There is a chance she may back down as I strongly believe that this letter was sent in order for me to 'give in', and not to take the matter any further. Something like this is designed to have an impact, to hurt me and to make me think my son does not want to see me. She would hope I would come to a conclusion not to bother with all the hassle, the stress and expense of taking this through the courts.
What gets me is that the mothers have control, they hold the cards and I feel totally powerless- and that I have very little influence. A strange thing for me to say is that I realise I'm not the only one! It's seems to be a cultural trait of mothers ( although not all ) to use an unfair system to their advantage.
I do believe that she has poisoned my son, and his wishes are strongly influenced by her.
One thing that gets me is that no matter the outcome through the courts- her attitude and mentality will always remain as it is
...I think what you should remember is that this isn't your son talking, but his mother through him and if you had a close bond with him before the split, you should be able to re establish that once contact resumes. Often children will say what they think each parent wants to hear and you could well find that once contact starts again things will get back to normal.
As I don't know the circumstances behind your split, its difficult to second guess, but it's likely your absence is having an impact on him, he won't understand why you have disappeared from his life and the mother may be filling his head with all sorts of nonsense, I doubt she's told him she is responsible for denying you contact.
As long as there are no safeguarding issues, courts are fairly pro active in getting contact started as they believe that having both parents involved is in the childs best interests.
Most parents are able to manage breakups and sharing time with children without resorting to court, but we rarely hear from them, only when there's a problem! Its a very small minority that create these problems and its usually down to one parent having a controlling nature....this is all about control.
I suspect this will go to court, please make sure that your solicitor requests an interim order for contact to be discussed at the first hearing, this is requested on the Initial C100 application.