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[Solved] child not mine

New Member Registered

Probably a common issue, but I'm not sure how to handle this.
My wife and I were divorced years ago. We had 3 boys. A couple years ago the boys and I took the DNA test to search our ancestry. Well, you may have guessed, one of my sons is not mine.
I'm 70 and the kids are all married. Our relationship is great.

I can live with this situation. But this is not about me. Does my son have the right to know who his real father is. I think I know. My X, for all I know may not know he is not my son.

So - my question. Should I do anything. Should I tell him. Should I let my X know I know and should she be the one to tell. I just don't know?
No matter what - I was there when he was born, he is my son and will always be.

Thanks for your advice;

Topic starter Posted : 29/11/2017 8:13 pm
Estimable Member Registered

extremely sensitive subject that i dont beleive anyone could safely advise you my friend. Do you think he needs to know?

would it cause an unrepairable rift in the family?

Posted : 29/11/2017 8:45 pm
Illustrious Member

A tricky one. Firstly, presumably this is an ancestry site DNA test - I would do some research into how accurate their tests are, I wouldn't want to base any decision on information that isn't from a regulated source.
If you are certain of the results, the question is what is achieved by telling him about it - I can certainly see where you are coming from in wondering whether to tell him, but for a test which was for a bit of fun (ok, I know it's not quite that), no-one would have been the wiser, and everyone is happy about it, whereas if you tell him now, or any time in the future, his world of certainty comes crashing down, his relationship with his siblings changes. It may work out well, but it may not. My personal view in this case is that ignorance really is bliss.

Posted : 30/11/2017 2:09 am
Illustrious Member Registered

This is a tough one and I don't think it's as common as you suggest, at least the knowing about it side of things. I think you're likely to get differing responses, it's an emotive subject.

You say you had the test a couple of years ago, so this must be playing on your mind to come here and ask for advice, perhaps you're not as comfortable with it as you think, otherwise it would have been thought about and put away at the time.

Actd is right, people pay a lot of money for a proper DNA test for paternity, perhaps the test that you took wasn't as standardised as is necessary.

Only you know your son, how would he cope? People react so differently but this type of news would be life changing and pose many questions for him.

You mentioned that you think you know who his father might be, is he still around? If you're uncertain, perhaps you should talk to the ex about it, as long as she is a fairly balanced and responsible person, you should be able to talk it through together, as long as you can be non accusatory... this situation would call for that.

At the end of the day, only you can make the decision about what to do, but sometimes the burden of carrying such a secret can be a heavyone, are you broad shouldered enough to carry it?

If you do decide to tell him, I think it would be better coming from both of you together, he would have serious questions to ask of his mother, and he would need reassurances from you that you're his Dad no matter what. If he sees that you have accepted what she did and are alright with it, it might help him come to terms with it too. If you're angry and accusing it will make it harder for him to get in touch with how he feels.

All the best... whatever you decide

Posted : 30/11/2017 3:14 pm

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