Hi,
So my partner is telling me that I am spending too much time with my 8yo twin boys when I have them over the weekend and that I’m not spending any time with her.
I see no problem in the time I’m spending with them but she seems to think that me playing with them, taking them out, watching tv with them is too much compared to doing near nothing with her.
So just wondering, when you have your kids over the time you have them, how much actual time do you spend with them compared to time with your partner?
Thanks
You should have a sit down with your partner and explain nicely that you have all week to spend time with her and you are free every other weekend.
Your twin boys are 8 and you only get to spend quality time every other weekend. Children grow up so fast and soon they will be teenagers and possibly doing their own things. It maybe somehow you could involve her in a few of the things that you do together so she isn't left out. walks , bicycle rides or watching a movie are just a few ideas perhaps
We always want her involved in the activities we do, it’s her that majority of the time that doesn’t want to.
Just weekend gone we went for a walk along a trail through the woods close to us, a walk that the kids love, it was them that asked if she was coming with us but she didn’t want to. Always the same answer recently, not my kids they’re yours why should I do things for them if I’m tired.
Wasn’t like this but over last 4-6 months her attitude has completely changed.
And I have my kids for 5 weekends, then 1 with their mum. That’s the arrangement we have.
And the conversation with her is something I’ve tried time and time again, but it’s always I’m wrong and the way I see things is wrong.
5 weekends in a row with your kids sounds great. but i can see how that may cause tensions with your partner, especially if you don't get up to much during the week. most of us dads have every other weekend. is that something you could arrange, and also see your kids midweek?
You could spend time with her evenings on your own together after 8ish. End of the day she knows you have 2 children and you have tried to get her involved. she is just being stubborn and selfish saying things like I am tired they aren't my kids. she should know by being in a relationship with you comes the responsibility of having at least a bit of involvement with your childen. theres still plenty other time for you and your girlfriend to spend time together
Every other weekend is something I don’t want, nor be happy with. I used to have 8 weekends with and 1 with the mum, and we went down to 5 & 1.
I don’t see the issue of no time for ‘us’ we both work early AM shifts and home by 2/3pm so plenty of us time in my opinion.
Weekends is time for my kids. And as mentioned she could get involved and did know the situation of me having 2 kids knowing the lack of time... especially with twins! Haha
I’m at a point where I’m worries for the relationship, if she can’t/won’t/refuses to be get involved with my children how could I continue the relationship?
Your children come first.
Fundamentally, it doesn't look like she's a good fit. Normally, a family functions as a unit - and she should behave as such. I would mildly tolerate not participating - however, complaining about the scarce time you get to see the children is crossing a line.
Thanks Flyingember.
I’ve said that to her before. She doesn’t have to do everything with us but at least try and interact and do some things with us, it would never change if she completely stays out their way and I have to come up with ideas to also try stay out the way.
Sorry to hear of your challenges, Bob Ty. The symptoms sound to me like your partner is not feeling emotionally fulfilled and there may even be a bit of jealousy creating in there. I'm sure she gets that your boys are, and will continue to be an important part of your life but, for whatever reason it sounds like she is feeling like a "third wheel" (probably even a fourth wheel, given they're twins!) when they are around. Sounds like you and her need to have a real heart to heart conversation around her expectations and also yours'. I would also suggest you spend the time when the boys aren't around making her feel really special - think of it as filling her Emotional Bank Account (EBA). And equally, when the boys are there, try every now and again asking her what she would like to do (rather than asking the boys) and hopefully she'll pick something they will enjoy too. Hopefully that will also help to redress the balance in her EBA. You are welcome to check out a free course we wrote on how to improve your level of connection with your partner - and help her manage her Emotional Bank Account. Check it out here: https://learn.soulmates.academy/courses/improving-communication
Looking forward to hearing how you get on...
Hello BobTy,
Thank you for sharing your situation. Just a couple of ideas to suggest.
I agree with flyingmember on one thing, that the times when you have your twins, they should be your first priority. However, it would be great if you could together with your girlfriend, work out a routine that works for both of you and your twins.
One idea could be suggesting that you are all just together for meal times, to discuss what you have all done during the day and then perhaps watching a film altogether after? That way you are with your twins throughout the day and free to do what you wish, and then your girlfriend can rest or do something else? Then you are with both your girlfriend and your twins for the evening.
If she, for whatever reason, is finding it difficult to see you with your children, is there any way she could either go and visit her family for that weekend or do something with her friends?
I appreciate that you must be in a tricky situation as you may feel like you want to please everyone, and you have tried to include your girlfriend in some activities, but don't give up. This is their time to see their dad, but it would be great if a solution could be found that makes you all feel valued.
All the best,
Parent Support Volunteer, Fegans
I hear you @GavingHemmings... but that is a popular misconception and trap that many fall into! We see it all too often. If you don't invest the time building a strong relationship with your partner now while the children are young, chances are you will be virtual strangers when the kids leave home, or worse still they will have found someone else who shows them the attention they need and be off with them! I get that the children need your attention now, but so does your partner. I would strongly encourage you to find a healthy balance between time with your partner and time with your children all the way through. Wishing you all the best...
You should have a sit down with your partner and explain nicely that you have all week to spend time with her and you are free every other weekend.
Your twin boys are 8 and you only get to spend quality time every other weekend. Children grow up so fast and soon they will be teenagers and possibly doing their own things. It maybe somehow you could involve her in a few of the things that you do together so she isn't left out. walks , bicycle rides or watching a movie are just a few ideas perhaps
I see a little bit of jealousy here. It's not bad but you have to speak about this