Ok, this has played on my mind for years now….
My son is 11 now. When he was just on seven years old, I took the decision to leave his mother and the family home, as I knew our relationship was disintegrating. My parents had fought for years before splitting when I was 13 and it left some deep emotional scars, especially from the period of open fighting between them as the relationship fell apart. I couldn't bear to put my children through the same.
I left without taking anything, but a small amount of money for a deposit on a tiny flat. I'm long-term self employed and I didn't really think too much about how this would affect me or work…just figured I'd get on an re-build…that everything would be better now.
The split was, of course, very traumatic and I fell into increasing anxiety and depression…which, of course, took a heavy toll on my work until I ended up on benefit. I struggled to see my children and pick them up from school once a week - they live in a town 20 miles away with poor bus service, so I ran a car…which ran up debts.
Eventually, I had to confront their mother with the fact that I simply couldn't afford to keep seeing them during the week. She is very able to support them financially, as she has a successful and established business, which we both worked hard to establish…I did do the majority of the child-care when we became a family, as she became the essential "bread winner"
I'm pretty sure that the children adapted well, but as my son is coming to 11 years old his mother has reported…and I've noticed…that he's kind of depressed and withdrawn. My intuition tells me that he feels abandoned by me…
I wonder if there's anyone out there who's experienced anything similar and if anyone could offer any advice or perspective? I'd love some idea of what tends to typically bring these feelings out in a kid and what I could do?
Thanks fellow Dad-types
Hi there
I guess if you've decreased the contact with your children there will be an impact. Children are individuals and some children can cope better than others...perhaps your son is a sensitive boy and is feeling it more.
Would it not be possible for him to stay with you at the weekends and also for the travelling to be shared, you do the picking up one way and she the other. If she has noticed that he is withdrawn and unhappy then she may well agree if it will help him. If not you could try mediation to get her to agree to be more flexible and as you are on benefits then the costs would be met.