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[Solved] Parents divorced when I was 3 - Not sure if I've been told the truth

Eminent Member Registered

Parents divorced when I was three. They lived in Canada at the time. Seen mother about 3 times in the last 45+ years - no relationship really.

When I was older, Dad always told us he wanted to have the kids and she wanted to stay in Canada. Always believed this because surely, even more so in the 70s, the mother could pretty much get custody if she wanted so she must have waived that right.

I remember getting xmas presents etc for a few years then it stopped. So I dont think shes blameless.

However, I get the impression as I got older that she reailsed what a huge mistake she'd made and wanted to contact me. I pretty much did'nt bother - I've got my own life now and its been a long time. No malice but I don't know her.

Thing is I've noticed things with my Dad which don't ring true to the story that he was the one who took the kids and acted like a saint. I'm beginning to wonder if the situation was forced on him.

The more I hear about things he did when we were kids the more I think "Jeez you're kidding me". Dad is never one to listen to proper advice and can be very stubborn to his and everyones detriment. He can also be VERY VERY selfish and spiteful....

Dad is 84 now and a complete nightmare. Now you could excuse it for old age but to be honest, hes been like it for years and years for some of the things.

Mothers sister still lives local to me. I haven't seen her for years. I'm sort of wondering whether to speak to her to get the true story of what happened all those years go. BUT, Dad has been good to me over the years so don't know whether to let it go?

Topic starter Posted : 13/12/2018 2:01 pm
Famed Member Registered

Hi There,

It sounds as though you have been thinking about this a fair bit.

It's difficult to know what to do for the best, but I will share with you the story of my own son and how things went.

I split with my ex in 2009 and to start with things were ok, I saw my son when I wasn't working and we had a great relationship, over the next 18 months things changed and my ex got a lot more demanding over when I saw my son, I was able to see him every other weekend and also a midweek for tea, but she had to know where we were going and who we would see or he wasn't allowed to come.

I went through court and managed to get a good contact order in place, but she then pushed my son so far he was really unhappy, things came to a head and I felt that the only way to protect him was to stop seeing him. I went 5 years without contact which ended earlier this year.

When we met we talked about why I had stopped seeing him and I explained that it was to protect him and no other reason, he had been told differently and that I just didn't want to see him or have him in my life, we both had a few tears and we have been seeing each other since.

My time not seeing my son was only 5 years and it sounds as though yours has been a lot longer, but my point is there are always two sides to a story and you can't always trust what you have been told, if I hadn't made contact with my son, he would have always thought that I didn't want to see him or have him in my life.

You have lost a lot of time with you mother and you will never get that back but if you don't try and make contact you would always be thinking what if.


Posted : 13/12/2018 4:25 pm
Illustrious Member

My view here is that you make contact as soon as possible. Your mother is presumably a similar age, so the chances for making contact are limited, and you will forever wonder what could have happened if you don't do so now. Of course, it may be that it doesn't go well, in which case you have the option to have no further contact, but at least you'll know. This sounds similar to my daughters and their mother - I never prevented contact, but the mother was appalling. However, she set up a meeting with my daughters earlier this year - it was a disaster from a contact point of view, but my daughters were able to make the decision that they really didn't want any further meeting with her, but at least they had the chance, and if it had gone well, then they could have had contact in future. But not knowing would have been the worst thing for them.

Posted : 15/12/2018 11:02 pm
Eminent Member Registered

Thanks both.

See my other post re: Dads behaviour.... There is no way in hell hes told me the truth about things....

Topic starter Posted : 07/06/2019 1:47 pm

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